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Old 7th May 2009, 21:13   #46
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Looks like they missed out the quote on the Jag XJ220's handling.

"Theres tons and tons of grip but, if you go beyond the limit....like that, the XJ220 demands a special technique. You put your foot on the clutch, you close your eyes and you repeat after me ......OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, I'L BE THERE IN A MINUTE".

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Old 7th May 2009, 21:34   #47
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1. And when you rely on a sat nav, you don’t notice that the sun is in the wrong place in the sky. You stop using your inbuilt compass, your innate sense of which way is up. And don’t argue with any of this. Everyone can navigate by instinct, and if you can’t there’s something wrong with you and you should be in prison. The only people who can’t navigate instinctively are women and anyone trying to find Malpensa airport in Milan.

2. We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.

3. I've seen better looking gangrenous wounds than this. (Clarkson on the Porsche Cayenne)

4. (Referring to the Porsche Cayenne) 0-60 takes 5 and a half seconds...and about 17 gallons of fuel....

5. Now we've been told in this new series, we've got to feature more green cars. So here's one. It's really the greenest car we could find, really. (A bright green Lamborghini Murcielago)

6. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all. (a Ferrari F430)

7. (At start of Top Gear Nov. 2005 season, after a teaser featuring dozens of supercars) welcome to Greenpeace!

8. A turbo, exhaust gasses go into the turbocharger and spin it, with a supercharger, air goes in,witchcraft happens and you go faster.

9. This is the latest S Class. Now available with a very economical: Twin-turbo, Six litre... I don't mean economical do I? That's the wrong word...

10. I do apologise, we have wasted your evening, there are no good Korean or Malaysian cars.

11. You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

12. If I had to nitpick, and obviously I do.

13. At this point the Germans are propably rolling around on the floor laughing, So: "Ze tommies have made ein car out of spit und kleenex, zhey will be crushed." (Testing the MG SV prototype)

14. Owning a TVR in the past was like owning a bear, I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would. One day, it would pull your head off.

15. In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car, put it on sale, and then found out how it handled. Usually when one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he was.

16. Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill and then run over him again for good measure. They are designed to melt ice caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands and turn the entire third world into a huge uninhabitable desert, all that before they nicked all the oil in the world

17. That means, a Range Rover, doing 10,000 miles a year, produces less pollution a day than a cow farting(While discussing about "Methane as a global warming agent")

18. The only reason anyone bought the old Land Rover Discovery was because they couldn't afford a Range Rover.

19. As a result, it weighs 2.7 tonnnes - and that makes it heavier than a Rolls-Royce Phantom. It's so heavy, that if you were to load it up with stuff, and then hitch up a trailor to the back; technically, you need an LGV licence.

20. It's really as useful, as a snooze button on a smoke alarm. (Regarding the adjustable suspension in the Bentley Continental GT)

21. (Top Gear Bloopers) I've just realised something, it's late...and I'm drunk!

22. (Top Gear Bloopers) Who has decided to do Nazi Route Marching?

23. (Top Gear Bloopers)(Car Alarm Goes Off) Would you like to come to Top Gear again? Morons.

24. (On the Audi R8) Driving most supercars is like trying to manhandle a cow up a back staircase, but this is like smearing honey onto Keira Knightley.

25. I'd like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.

26. (On the Alfa Romeo Brera) Think of it as Angelina Jolie. You've heard she's mad and eats nothing but wallpaper paste. But you would, wouldn't you?

27. (On the Brera again, talking about a version with a slow 0-60mph time and a big price tag) It's like Cameron Diaz. You know she's a vegetarian, you know she's a commited eco-mentalist... would you say no? That car is like Cameron Diaz, with wheels.

28. We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly.

29. If this car was a breakfast. It would be cornflakes on toast.

30. (On the Mercedes CLS55 AMG)It sounds like Barry White eating wasps.

31. Aston Martin DB9... that's not really a racing car, that's just pornography.

32. (Ariel Atom) This is driving Nirvana! You can forget anything you've ever driven, anything. There is no car, nothing on four wheels, that is as fast as this.

33. The most hard core BMW ever made. (M3 CSL)

34. (About the Ferrari F40) And what I love is that when you're on the over-run, and you take your foot of the throttle, listen!... there are these huge bounces... just dumps great wads of unburnt fuel into the exhaust... FOR FUN!

35. (test driving a Turbo Bentley through a cloud of rubber smoke) It's like Blenheim Palace on wheels!

36. (Aston Martin V8 Vantage Roadster) I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley.

37. (On the BMW X3) If you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning, and you think you are an onion, this is your car.

38. What Overfinch did with the old Range Rover was replace the 4.6 Litre Engine with a 5.7 Litre V8 from a Corvette. And thats fine in a car which weighs nearly 2 tonnes...If your name is BP Esso McShell.

39. Telling people at a dinner party you drive a Nissan Almera is like telling them you've got the ebola virus and you're about to sneeze.

40. The old DB7, that was just...a Jag in Drag...it was an XJS in a party frock. This (the Aston-Martin DB9) is completely different...

41. No, no, no. There's no such thing as cheap and cheerful. It's cheap and nasty & expensive and cheerful. (referring to Proton Savvy)

42. I'd rather go to work on my hands and knees than drive there in a Ford Galaxy; Whoever designed the Ford Galaxy upholstery had a cauliflower fixation; I would rather have a vasectomy than buy a Ford Galaxy.

3. You do not just avoid the Suzuki Wagon R. You avoid it like you would avoid unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite.

44. (about the Ford GT40) Was this the greatest hypercar of them all? Well, that's a question I've never really been able to answer, because the GT40 is 40 inches tall... and I'm not.

45. Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face.

46. (On cars at a Max Power show) Most of these cars will do 0-60 once....and then they'll blow up.

47. What did the Morris Marina compete against?... walking?... the bus?

48. Deciding which one is worse (the Austin Allegro or Morris Marina), is like deciding which leg you'd rather have amputated.

49. (about the Ford Escort) It's powered by engines so rough, even Moulinex wouldn't use them.

50. Whenever I'm suffering from Insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I'm straight off.

51. Usually, a Range Rover would be beaten away from the lights by a diesel powered wheelbarrow.

52. (about the Renault Clio V6) I think the problem is that it's French... It's a surrender monkey.

53. This is for every time I've caught you dawdling at junctions, this is for every time I've caught you doing 4 miles per hour in a motorway. This is PAYBACK TIME!! (Clarkson shouting at a Volvo 340 seconds before it is put through a crusher)

54. This is a Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying 'Oh good, I've got syphilis, the best of the sexually transmitted diseases!'

55. This pram's turning circle is tighter than Thrifty McThrift's Book of Belt-Tightening for Boys!

56. (about the Chevrolet Corvette Z06) In many ways then this car is like herpes. Great fun catching it but not so much fun live with every day.

57. (on the McLaren F1 in his movie, Most Outrageous) I respect it enormously, in the same way I respected my old head master. But we never became friends.

58. (On a Buick LeSabre) It was rubbish when it was new, it was built by idiots, and it's rubbish now.

59. (On a Audi RS4 Convertible) The only person who looked good in a 4-seated convertible was Adolf Hitler

60. (On the evolution of the Golf GTI between MkI and MkIV) I voted for this as the greatest car of the 20th century. Over the years, however, the Golf GTI got bigger, and fatter, and slower. Think of it as Elvis Presley. It started off all athletic and full of vigour, and wound up on the lavatory, an enormous, dribbling hulk.

61. (About James May) ...Why are you on this program?

62. (About Lethal Bizzle) It's acts like that which killed Top of The Pops in the first place, they kept booking acts like.. what's his name? Jizzy tissue.

63. (To Lewis Hamilton at the NTA Awards) ...And if you see Fernando Alonso again, tell him his eyebrows are too big...

64. (A cyclist riding past in Oxford) The thing is, around here - Oi! Did you see that? I was damn nearly knocked over by a cyclist!

65. (About the Chinese) Chinese people have no souls. From his column in 'The Sun' newspaper

66. (About Drummers) Drummers are a bit like house flies. They're born, they make a noise, then they die. From his column in 'The Sun' newspaper

67. “… the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany ”

68. Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: “It couldn’t pull a greased
stick out of a pig’s bottom”

69. On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: “there is a word to describe this car: it begins with ’s’ and ends with ‘t’ and it isn’t soot

70. “The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite”

71. On the Porsche Cayenne.. "It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis.”

72. On the BMW 6series, "If you were to buy a 6-series, I recommend you select reverse when leaving friends’ houses so they don’t see its backside."

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Last edited by Rehaan : 8th May 2009 at 02:49. Reason: Please see the note that has been put at the end of your post by the Support Team.
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Old 7th May 2009, 21:51   #48
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Excellent stuff, from the uncrowned king of auto journalism. More from Jeremy Clarkson Top Gear - Quotes and The best Jeremy Clarkson quotes.
Originally Posted by karthik247 View Post
6. “Owning a TVR (read: Skoda) in the past (read: in India today) was like owning a bear. I mean it was great, until it pulled your head off, which it would.”
(and that's one of the reasons...)
38. “It costs Volkswagen £200 pounds to buy a set of four fuel injectors for the Golf diesel. Kia could probably make a couple of cars for that.”
48. “I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”
Tell that to the guys who designed the BRT corridor in Delhi.
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Old 7th May 2009, 22:08   #49
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Superb thread. I'm ROFL my head off. Jeremy's comments although nasty at times are hilarious. The trio are very lucky to drive the pants off those cars they test.

“The air conditioning in Lamborghinis used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw.”
This is the best i've come across so far. The others are fantastic too but this one takes the cake.
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Old 7th May 2009, 22:20   #50
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He also said while testing the latest Jaguar that 'While Mercedes is owned by mercedes, Jaguar is owned by SOME Indian guy, and now they are asking Britain for money.' and much more on another road test of yet another jaguar. He is a racist.

What car is total british today except that small sports car company the name of which I cant even recall easily?

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Old 7th May 2009, 22:41   #51
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Ha. Good find!
Some of the ones I like are
(About the Holden VXR) “I’m surprised you don’t turn it off by pouring beer on it”
“If I was in Australia I wouldn’t drive the Landrover Discovery or the Landcruiser..because I wouldn’t drive at all”
“Finding a vintage Japanese car is like finding a needle in a haystack, without a needle”
(About the East German Traban) “As a mode of transport its worse than a pogo-stick”
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Old 7th May 2009, 22:48   #52
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only cocks drive audi's
the car does 0-60 in 5 secs its terrific offroad but still its got the sex appeal of a Camel (referring to the cayenne)
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Old 7th May 2009, 23:54   #53
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ROFL, he's an absolute LEGEND!

"I would rather be in this than in Keira Knightley"

He really does love her, doesn't he?
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Old 8th May 2009, 21:01   #54
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Source for POST #45
Jeremy Clarkson's 48 best quotes - Auto Trader UK - News and Reviews Hub

The others were a compilation from various sources.
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Old 8th May 2009, 21:30   #55
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I find JC far from funny. He's sick. I'm sure he'd love to hear people making fun of Britain and British Cars (Are there any?). The Brits used to make jokes about Skoda's (I'm sure you've heard them). Just replace Skoda with Rover and they make more sense.
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Old 8th May 2009, 21:37   #56
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dont take him personally - just read between the lines and appreciate his humour - i think his sense of humour if phenomenal.
just got the latest book - the world according to clarkson volume 3.
and i say unapologetically that I like reading his books
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Old 8th May 2009, 21:47   #57
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Well, I find him hilarious. He is one long scream from start to finish.
Yes, he is politically incorrect. Yes, he is somewhat insensitive, but he is much more fun than the sugar coated types who wont say anything negative for fear of offending the sponsors. People like this are a disappearing breed that will, unfortunately, soon be extinct.
I, for one will keep watching this dinosaur for as long as he is around.
In any case, we take ourselves too seriously.

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Old 9th May 2009, 18:09   #58
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Originally Posted by cheap_deal View Post

i gotta admit, some of that stuff is hilarious. i love that funny guy, though most things he says should not be taken seriously.
half the things JC says are never on a serious note and its his gift of gab that got him out of the sales job he did in the beginning of his career.
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Old 9th May 2009, 18:34   #59
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good on yer - Roy, cheap_deal and 14000 - I think we guys sometimes get a bit "tight-a***ed" because generally we cant laugh at ourselves - plus we like to be sanctimonious and "mealy mouthed" - Political correctness be darned - I love Clarkson's humour and couldnt care less how "unfair" he may sound and whom he hurts. - he makes me laugh and that in my opinion is more than fine by me!
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Old 10th May 2009, 08:45   #60
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It's not about how ridiculous the things he says are - the wonder is that he can say them and get away with it. You might be outraged that he referred to Mr. Tata as some Indian. You get that into perspective when you see him say that BMWs should have trafficators that do the Nazi salute. People like him are a dying breed.

Besides, Tata shouldn't have bought JLR if they couldn't afford to keep it running in the first place - and that is going OT.

It is Brit humor at its best.
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