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Old 20th September 2016, 10:07   #121
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Default Re: Life in your 40s

This thread is absolutely brilliant. I keep coming back to read these posts again and again. I am in my early 30s and trying to get my life on track - financially. I have never been much of a saver, but I am trying hard now.

Also, I try to be in the present a lot consciously and stop worrying about unnecessary things. It's tough as I have loved to dream I really hope to imbibe a lot of words of wisdom.
As someone said - You will never be as young as you are today.

I have a question to people who have had kids. I have two, a daughter aged 2.5 and a son about 10 months. And as my wife and I are working, it becomes really tough to manage them despite a permanent domestic help. Off late I realize that I have been shouting at my daughter for petty issues - and later I feel guilty about. How have people managed? We are a nuclear family and none of our extended family members can be with us.
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Old 20th September 2016, 10:23   #122
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Default Re: Life in your 40s

Well, you realize deepness in saying 'patience is a virtue', when you have small kid.

Shouting never helps, it only makes kid emotionally vulnerable.
2.5 is a tender age, where you can try to divert their attention.
Sometimes speaking to them as if you are talking to an adult, works wonder.
Positive incentives (such as more playtime, a chocolate etc) also start working with kids of age 2.5
Telling them stories about kids who listen to their parents and how they do well in life, also help them develop a habit of listening and responding positively to parents.

Basically, more meaningful conversations leads to better cooperation from kids.

All from my humble experience of having a 7 year old son and 15 months daughter

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Originally Posted by pratyush6 View Post
I have a question to people who have had kids. I have two, a daughter aged 2.5 and a son about 10 months. And as my wife and I are working, it becomes really tough to manage them despite a permanent domestic help. Off late I realize that I have been shouting at my daughter for petty issues - and later I feel guilty about. How have people managed? We are a nuclear family and none of our extended family members can be with us.

Last edited by Acharya : 20th September 2016 at 10:24.
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Old 20th September 2016, 10:50   #123
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Originally Posted by Acharya View Post
Well, you realize deepness in saying 'patience is a virtue', when you have small kid.
Sooner or later, domestic help or not, one of you will need to de-escalate their lifestyle (more work from home days etc) to avoid the kids growing up into what is known as the "latchkey generation". Disconnected from their parents, possibly led into bad habits without guidance etc. And even before that their academics will suffer.
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Old 20th September 2016, 11:51   #124
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Well, you realize deepness in saying 'patience is a virtue', when you have small kid.

Shouting never helps, it only makes kid emotionally vulnerable.
I know this. I agree with this, but somehow I am losing it more often than not. I try to deescalate by walking away when I am angry, but my daughter would often follow me, and if my doors are closed keep hitting the doors.

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Sooner or later, domestic help or not, one of you will need to de-escalate their lifestyle (more work from home days etc) to avoid the kids growing up into what is known as the "latchkey generation". Disconnected from their parents, possibly led into bad habits without guidance etc. And even before that their academics will suffer.
Thanks for that note. Work from home is okay with me - I can do this almost 30% of the time but not possible with my wife - she works with a bank. I am very wary of the detachment fact, so when I am back home, I try and spend quality time with them - basically going to the park, play area, read stories, puzzles etc.

The problem though with WFH is that my daughter hardly lets me to work
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Old 20th September 2016, 12:51   #125
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Default Re: Life in your 40s

Very interesting, indeed.

Plenty of perspectives - most of them relate to health, money, aspirations, 'enjoyment' etc.

Well, looking at all the inputs (including some touching experiences - by noopster, for instance, and others that I have cherry picked), my views go like this.

(I am in my 50s, so probably am that much more qualified to dole out friendly advice )

Some messages that are firmly etched in my memory -

1. Learn to unlearn. (It is amazing how many wrong notions we carry around). In fact, don't stop learning. Getting a job isn't important, if your inclination is pursue your studies and aim for something that is worthwhile (need not be monetary).

2. Change is the only constant. Yes. What you feel today about 40s, RonXRi94, may not be what things will be when you actually turn 40.

3. When you make a mistake admit it and apologize from the bottom of your heart. Get rid of all unpleasant memories, it will make one all the more cheerful.

4. This is from Mario Puzo - 'The world is what it is, and you are what you are'.

5. Last - Us humans have been so designed, that each one of us must undergo the experience of life and emerge a better person.

I tell myself that my parents have struggled and made sacrifices, so that I can have a better life. I hope that I am able to do the same for my children. When I was 20 I never thought about it - when I was 40, I did.

I have my principles and I stick to it - even in difficult circumstances. If my conscience doesn't permit, I don't compromise. That's what life has taught between 18 (when I started working) and now.... this may not be applicable to one and all, but I guess as an individual we must have something we believe in.

I may not met everyone's expectations. I may not have made it big. I have (some) regrets. But, I certainly do have a circle of friends and relatives, without whom I wouldn't be what I am today - and that makes life more worthwhile. Only sadness I have is that I have not 'invested' more time in forming lasting friendship other than with a few people....


Quote:
Originally Posted by tsk1979 View Post
An asteroid may hit the Earth on the eve of your 40th birthday and Human civilization may become extinct.

Looking at the future and super advance planning is the road to depression.
Wow!! Thanks for driving home the point...

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Originally Posted by Samurai View Post
When I look back, I realise don’t really have regrets, at least nothing that matters now.

I found my success anyway via hard work and perseverance. So here is the secret, your success doesn’t depend on your college, it depends on you. If you are not getting anywhere, it is not because of lack of pedigree, it is because of something else. Look for it, and fix it.
Golden words. A thing about which one must have become worried / fixated / lost sleep / worried etc. etc. will appear trivial later on (especially, if some other bigger / worser event happens )

I have a maxim to tell my colleagues (subordinates) - the only reward for hard work is more work!!!


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Originally Posted by navin View Post
I don't think most of us really missed anything. There was not a lot of materialism around. The best TV one owned was a B&W "EC" TV made by ECIL and the "best" car made in India was the Premier Padmini aka FIAT.

There were no mobile phones, no PS3s, no Internet so we got out a lot more. It was a simpler world.
I agree that materialism has increased and doesn't seem a good thing. But, are you implying that today's world is getting complicated (I think it is), which may not be necessarily a bad thing. What we did when were in our 20s may not be acceptable to todays tweens....


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Originally Posted by Thad E Ginathom View Post
I had never worried about age, but when I was 29 I got really hung up thinking I was about to be 30. On my 30th birthday, I realised how stupid that attitude was, and haven't much worried about it.

During my 40s I did some music learning, and also had the pleasure of experiencing childhood again. There were three of us that played carnatic percussion together regularly: they were 11 and I acted as if I was
Hey, age is just a number! And it is amazing when I imagine you and the two kids involved in music!! In fact, this speaks of the change - when I was in the 20s, I never used to hang out with older people. Now, I find that groups need not be homogeneous (at least with regard to age), which is a good sign.

As I grow older, I understand what 'Generation Gap' actually is, but looking back at my own behavior when I was 20 makes me go slow when I feel like sermonising!

(Michael Jackson screaming 'Beat It' or Lipps Inc playing 'Funky Town' when I was studying for exams used to drive my parents crazy! So when my daughter loads some Cold Play or Justin Beiber, I try to listen / enjoy. Surprisingly, both of us like Beatles, Rolling Stone, U2 - funny, I never thought I will continue with the craze I had in my childhood in my 50s)

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Originally Posted by zaheer5776 View Post
And yes it is scaring to see parents getting older. That's the only fear as I have currently as I have seen my friends losing there parents due to old age or some other medical reasons.

I guess I never noticed how quickly the time between 20s to 30 went.

One of the few things which I miss is life in metro city! As I have never experienced living in Metro Cities. My City is a small place and people who are young never stay back here due to lack of opportunities. Almost all of my friends moved out. And yes I have never been abroad and may not go in future due to current profession which is very much local stuff.
Well, in reply to the latter part of post, I can only say 'Grass is always greener on the other side'...

I lived in a Metro (Chennai); my job landed me in smaller towns (Pondicherry and Hubli) and later on in a small village (less than 10,000 people, somewhere near Nasik). I feel that that was the best part of my life (from 20 to 35) and definitely beats staying in a Metro. I could walk to my office within half-an-hour....

As regards the earlier part of the post, does worrying about it help in any way? What is to be, will be.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sonic_boom View Post
If you are that type of person that is comfortable with yourself, don't let society bully you into getting married earlier than you want just to please them. Only you should take the call.

Flip-side, living alone is no joke either. You make and loose friends like nobody's business every time you change your city or country of work.

Cherish time with your parents, especially if you plan to leave the nest one day.
Well said. Looks like sensible advice and first hand experience.

Like I said, I was working in Pondicherry, where a lot of foreigners visit the Aurobindo Ashram and Auroville. Some used to stay for considerable period of time, and I used to be dumb-struck when I learnt that some of them simply chuck their jobs / business and decide to take time out (sometimes extending to year or more) just to wander around the world.... guess, that should help us understand their perspective of life.

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Originally Posted by alpha1 View Post
What happens to the relationship between the spouses? ... and what about (possible) relationship(s) outside.
What has this got to do with 40s? My parents and in-laws were married for more than 50+ years. When I got married, it was for life, and even today it is so. Most of my friends and relatives have solid marriage and family. Yet to see any relationship / live-in kind of arrangement by any of my friends or children / nephews / nieces (the current 20s generation, that is). But yes, there are compromises to be made, and sometimes you have to take a step back to ensure that the balance is maintained.

As to the second part, all I want to is 'Act in haste, repent in leisure'.....

Sorry for the long post, but thought I could share my experience.
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Old 20th September 2016, 13:26   #126
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The problem though with WFH is that my daughter hardly lets me to work
I can relate. I have worked from home for one startup and two different MNCs since 2002.

One thing you can definitely do is to set up a small private room that is yours and nobody else's - where you work, and keep the door shut for calls, meetings etc. How to cut down on those, decide which calls are essential to attend and which ones you can login and logout, or skip entirely, once in a while and pick up the minutes of the meeting later is something you have to figure out of course else in some organizations they take up 90% of your time.

That and "minimize paperwork rather than real work" - find ways to automate whatever is manual in your existing tasks, develop efficient email handling methods etc.

All the spare time you get from that can go to your family. And of course take frequent breaks say once an hour for five minutes and keep interacting with the family.

You can get a ton of work done either early in the morning or very late at night, when everybody else is asleep and not around to bug you. Plus your colleagues from the states will be online and available for any discussion. That gives you much more family time than you anticipate, such as short breaks to pick up your kid from school etc.
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Old 20th September 2016, 13:37   #127
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Thanks for that note. Work from home is okay with me - I can do this almost 30% of the time but not possible with my wife - she works with a bank. I am very wary of the detachment fact, so when I am back home, I try and spend quality time with them - basically going to the park, play area, read stories, puzzles etc.

The problem though with WFH is that my daughter hardly lets me to work
I can very well understand your problem. I'm in my late 30's and have two boys 9 years and 1 year old (just completing 1 year this month) and both of us are working. We have a house maid to look after the younger one and we have either my parents or or my wife's parents at home for kind of supervising the maid.
Now, coming back to the problem. Even I have/had the same issue that I used to lose my cool with the elder one and then my wife stepped in. There are some things which I do
  • Never carry your work home. Leaving your work at the office helps a lot. I know it might be difficult, but try doing that.
  • Try to think from their point of view. They might want to share their happiness or achievement with you, however small it is. Do appreciate it, even though it is something trivial for you.
  • Never lose your cool while talking to kids. They might stop sharing their issues with you. And understand that they are not the same as you. They have their own identity and accept them as separate individuals. Never insist that your kid be a copy of you; he/she has their own characteristics.
  • Kids always learn from their parents. So, remember that if you shout at them, they may consider it as a norm.
  • Spend quality time with kids. By quality time, I mean check what they need and like. You should not insist on doing what you like.
  • Kids test your patience to the core, so be game for that.
  • And, always remember that kids did not have a choice to choose their parents. It was your decision to have them. So, make them feel that way
I know that it's easier said than done, but give it a try. Especially with two kids, you have to be careful that the elder one does not feel bad as you most probably will not have the same behaviour toward the younger one for obvious reasons.
And for me, I'm a person who believe that there is no point in worrying about things which are not in your control. So, try out some of these
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Old 21st September 2016, 10:53   #128
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Default Re: Life in your 40s

Life has taught me these keywords at various stages:

Age: 20-30 – BUILD
Build on everything you start with – education, job, career, skills, emotional maturity and earnings - relentlessly. This is the period 24 hours are not enough for a day. Whatever career path you have started, learn everything comes your way. Pick up skills and fine tune them. Friends, colleagues, relatives, peers, superiors – everybody will be willing to help during this phase. Use them the most. Changing companies, places, countries – must have only one purpose – career growth. Money will come along, but don’t base that as your primary criterion for changing jobs.

Age: 30-40 – CONSOLIDATE
Now you have accumulated skills and talents, experience and expertise during the past ten years and a track record that you can use in your resume. You have realized your true strengths and weaknesses. You can foresee your opportunities and threats. This is the time to SWOT yourself and consolidate your future career path. Again, be open to changing jobs if necessary to improve your career prospects. This is the period you will be moulded into a successful person on career and in society. At 40, you will be pretty much there where you dreamt to be or even much above.

Age: 40-50 – EVALUATE
Now that you are there, evaluate the path in front of you – career, family, ambitions, desires, goals – what you want more. This is a stage where you will be overwhelmed with commitments and burdens in all fronts and you might be thinking that you will have to work for another 50 years to fulfil all those. Time for taking a break and evaluate what you have and what you want. Decisions taken at this stage could go either way and many people have gone wrong way with over ambitious goals or gone into depression due to their own weaknesses. Evaluate and take a call. This will be your long term plan for rest of your life and will also heavily depend on your family’s goals and needs.

All along, you have to find time for your passion, family, friends, Team-BHP and everything else other than career. There will be no specific period in your life when you can enjoy more or work more. It is all part and parcel of your everyday life. You get different cocktails at different stages and sometimes on the rocks. Live life the way it comes to you.
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Old 21st September 2016, 14:02   #129
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What has this got to do with 40s?
My parents and in-laws were married for more than 50+ years. When I got married, it was for life, and even today it is so.
Everything.
Things that you wanted in early life, you may not want any further.
Priorities change.
Decision making rests on different parameters compared to younger age.

Times change, preferences may change.

I asked the question because I saw a lot of post talking about doing things differently or viewing things differently compared with the younger age.
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Old 21st September 2016, 15:28   #130
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Quote:

Quote:
Originally Posted by alpha1
What happens to the relationship between the spouses? ... and what about (possible) relationship(s) outside.
Quote:
Originally Posted by vrprabhu
What has this got to do with 40s?
Quote:
Originally Posted by alpha1
Everything.

1. Things that you wanted in early life, you may not want any further.
2. Priorities change.
3. Decision making rests on different parameters compared to younger age.
Oh! I get it.

For me, it is like this -

1. No. I continue to do most of the things I want(ed) to do, even after marriage. Some times, my wife encourages me to pursue what I used to muse / think aloud. However, looking around, I have to agree with you as this appears to be the case with most of my friends.

2. Yes. But priorities are likely to change over time, not necessarily because one got married, as one grows older greater realisation (and responsibility) comes into play .....

3. Yes. Same as above. Only, it is my wife who gets away what she want most of the time, as compared to me
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