The Official Joke thread

[vandan]

an american visits his old friend in australia both farmers the australin shows his 40hect farm to his friend,the american quickly says that in america he has a 60hect farm,then he shows his multiple use harvesting machine,the american quickly says i have two of these machines,suddenly a kangaroo jumps in,the american gets very scared and asks what is this?the australian say,"dont you have any grasshoppers in your farm?"

[vinsanity]

Sign on a famous beauty parlour window:

Don't whistle at the girl going out from here.
She may be your Grandmother!!
_____
Advertisement in Pune Shop :

Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no strings attached.
_____
Sign in a bar :

"Those .....drinking to forget........ please pay in advance."
_____
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
_____
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble
you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
_____
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
_____
When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up.............reading.
_____
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...
He drinks straight out of the bottle.
_____
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.
_____
Getting caught is the mother of Invention.
_____
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
_____
Seen on a bulletin board:

Success is relative.
More the success, more the relatives.
_____
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay:

We need your heads to run our business.
_____

A traffic slogan:

Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be.

[Scuderia]

One politician, One thief & One Programmer died & went straight
to hell.
Politician said "I miss my country, I want to call
my country and see how everybody is doing there.
She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked
"Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Five million dollars"
The Politician wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Thief was soo jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna
call the my group members, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Ten million dollars"

With a smug look on his face, he made a cheque and went to sit
back on his chair.

Programmer was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call other IT person too,
He called other IT person and he talked for twenty hours about various technologies and Project Managers, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil says "Twenty dollars".
Programmer is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"
The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell
to another hell, it's local".

[Scuderia]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering
whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said,
"This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala. I am ringing to
inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed
important news!

How big is your army"

"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's
calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm call ing from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam
asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's
tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri ....." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.



"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's
generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"


Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and
20,000 fighter planes.My military complex is surro unded by
laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera pala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to
call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we've all had a long chat over
a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two
million prisoners of war"

[Rock 'n' rollz]

Step 1: boil one cup of water

Step 2: as soon as ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the boiled water and put the tastemaker.

Step 3: stir till ganguly is onfield.

Step 4: As soon as ganguly is back in pavilion, your noodles are ready to eat.

[Samurai]

After having their 11th child, Laloo & Rabri decided that was enough. So then Laloo went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife did not want any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. Laloo and Rabri were against vasectomy and wanted some other alternative. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a Diwali bomb, light it, put it in a empty Coke can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Laloo said to the doctor, 'I'm the smartest man in Bihar, but I don't see how putting a Diwali atom bomb in a Coke can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
So the couple drove to Delhi to get a second opinion.
The Delhi physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed by their Medical records that they were from Bihar and would not accept vasectomy. This doctor also told Laloo to go home and get a Diwali atom bomb, light it, place it in a Coke can and hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians knew what they were talking about and couldn't be wrong, Laloo went home, lit an atom bomb, put it in a coke can. He held it up to his ear and began to count with his fingers on his left hand : '1,2,3, 4,5' At which point he paused, placed the coke can between his legs and resumed counting on the other hand...

[SCARLET]

MY FIRST JOKE HOPE U GUYS LAUGH

There is a flash news on NDTV saying major train misshap in amritsar 100 sardarjis dead only 1 survivor

the NDTV crew run to the spot and get to speak to the sardarji who has survived

he narates the stroy to them
"well there were 100 sardarjis standing on the platform 2 and the anouncement was made saying train from delhi will arive on platform 2 and so all the sardarjis jumped onto the track fearing the train will come on platfor no 2 and so all of them were killed"
the NDTV reporter asks well thank god but how did u manage to survive all this
so the sardarji tells
"i was lying down on the track to commit suicide once the anouncement was made saying the train will arrive on platfor no 2 i jumped onto the platform and so i got saved"

hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha

[vinsanity]

Lol Samurai..
A similar situation happened in a malayalam movie.. The bad guy was supposed to throw a bomb at the count of 10.. He lit it up and after counting 5, put it between his legs and counted the rest on his other hand..
Nice one....

[Scuderia]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft

error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict

construction rules -- each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in

the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to

communicate a timeless message, often achieving wistful, yearning and

powerful insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 13 error messages from Japan:



-------------------------------------------

The Web site you seek

Cannot be located, but

Countless more exist.

--------------------------------------------

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

--------------------------------------------

Program aborting.

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

--------------------------------------------

Windows NT has crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

------------------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

--------------------------------------------

Your file was so big.

It might have been very useful,

But now it is gone.

----------------------------------------

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

--------------------------------------------

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

--------------------------------------------

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

--------------------------------------------

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

The page is not here.

--------------------------------------------

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

--------------------------------------------

Having been erased,

The document you're seeking

Must now be retyped.

---------------------------------------

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

[veyron1]

which malayalam movie vinsanity??? i've seen quite a few with the same incidents happenin...

anyways here's my one-liner (well, actually two)

a husband says, "my wife and i were very happy for 20 years" his buddy asks," and then?"
the husband replies, "and then, we met!!"

it's not true that married men live shorter- it's just that they are a lot more willing to die.....

it's not true that marriages last forever..it only seems that long....

pathans are very simple guys, and so are sardars, so here's an ode to them..

a pathan walks up to his wife, with his hand held to his neck, bleeding. the wife asks" o god, what happened?" the pathan says," begum, while coming back from the market, the seat that i sat on on the bus, had a nail on the pillar, and it poked me thorughout the distance". the wife, nursing the wound, asks," why didn't you ask somebody to change seats with you?" the pathan replies," whom would i have asked? the entire bus was empty....!!!!"

a relative comes to visit a sardar, and after some chitchatting, they decide to go out for the evening. the sardar opens the door, and sees a banana peel lying on the steps before him. seeing this, he exclaims," ya rabba, aaj fir girna paiga !!!!" (o god, i'll have to fall again today?!!!) .

a guy comes running into santa singh's office on the 22nd floor and shouts "santa,santa, your wife and daughter just died in an accident!! a truck rammed into her car while she was driving!!" hearing this, santa jumps out of the window, to kill himself out of sheer distress, crying, "o god, o god". on reaching the 18th floor, he remembers that he doesn't have a car.on reaching the 12th floor, he remembers that he doesn't have a wife or daughter. just before hitting the ground, he remembers that his name isn't santa, but banta!!!

[vinsanity]

which malayalam movie vinsanity???

ahum, not pretty sure about the name.. Remeber the scene though..

There were around 4-5 guys.. They all are standing around and one guy(dont remeber who it was) was to throw the bomb at the count of 10.. And he does this....I think he was wearing a red shirt... hehehe..... will let ya know if i get the name of the movie.....

[aveek]

So, this pirate walks into the bar with a wooden leg, a hoook on his hand, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender gives him a long, hard look, and then says,"Mate, you've got a steering wheel on your pants!!" The pirate replies,"Arrr! I know - its drivin' me nuts!!"



Cheers!!
Aveek

[Scuderia]

A sardarji goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Mr., can you tell us your age, please?"
The sardarji counts carefully on his fingers for half a minute before replying. "Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The sardarji stands up and produces a measuring tape from his handbag.
He then traps one end under his foot and extends the tape to the top of his head.
He checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the he won't have to count, measure, or lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The sardarji bobs his head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to himself, before replying, "Gurpreet"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Oh, that!" replies the sardarji," I was just running through that song, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...Happy Birthday dear Gurpreet...happy birthday to you..."

[vinsanity]

The Gift From a Grandfather...

An Old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Grandson, I wanna you lissina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then... pointa to your watch and say, Times Up?"

[Scuderia]

- Best Seller by Ganguly: Back to the Pavillion in 2 minutes

- Shoiab Akhtar admits Ganguly is faster and quicker than him. "I haven't seen any one get out so fast. Man, I envy his speed. I am quick but he is quickest.", he says. "I think I should now cut my run up short when I bowl to him. Or else, he might be gone when I am half way thru my run up."

- Narain Karthikeyan to get some tips on Speed from Ganguly. His sponsorers have asked him to talk to the Prince of Kolkotta. They are also planning to endorse Ganguly.

- Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken world records a few times in this series" , says the Indian dimunitive wicketkeeper.

- Q: Any Guesses which is Ganguly's favorite movie?
A:Gone in 60 seconds.

- Railways keen on Ganguly: Atleast we'll be having someone who comes (back) before time. This will help them improve the image with the Indian public.

- Q: Which was the hottest place in B'lore Chinnaswami Stadium for the past few days?
A: The seat Ganguly was sitting in while in the Pavillion.

- Ganguly to donate all his bats to charity. "I don't require a bat nowadays", said the Indian southpaw.