The Official Joke thread

[iraghava]

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."

- Will Rogers

"Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction.

-Albert Einstein

"In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead."

- Ben Franklin

"Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl."

- Bruce Raeburn

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them." - Jane Austen

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

"Why don't you write books people can read?"

- Nora Joyce, to her husband, James

"Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."

- Mark Twain

"Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it.

- Richard Feynman

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

- Mae West

[iraghava]

Don't know if these are true but they sure are funny!!!

[manson]

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a
young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her
condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved
again and then on her third move he burst out
laughing.... ........ ....She had him arrested.


When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he
acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an
advertisement,

which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.


I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a
shaving advertisement,

which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.


Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she
sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have
prevented this accident.'




The case was dismissed... .....!!!

manson.

[manson]

http://www.infeedia.com/story.php?ti...ein-song_46682

got this in my mailbox today.

manson.

[2L8uLoose]

@MA(n)SON.. dude that clip was HOWLARIOUS....

[1self]

Bill Gates vs. GM

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: "Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?



Don't take life too seriously, Nobody makes it out alive anyway
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.


Ford spelled backwards : Driver Returns On Foot

Honda Acronym

H igh
O n
N arcotics
D uring
A ssembly


Some FUN Things To Do While Driving!!

Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

if MICROSOFT built Cars, The Following Would Result:

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[kooldude]

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.

"Losing my virginity was a career move." (Madonna)

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.

[1self]

These are ACTUAL statements from insurance forms where car drivers, who tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

Some Acronynms You CAN Use!

Note from Mod
Deleted as format error codes made it look like an alphabet soup. Please do not use MS word formats and paste in raw form then format using the forum facilities


For More Of The Same Go To:

http://www.carbuyingtips.com/humor.htm

[DRC]

Originally Posted by 1self

if MICROSOFT built Cars, The Following Would Result:

.

While you are in middle of a free way : "close all the windows and restart"

any problem: Format the car, reinstall engine

On a serious note, I really like those error messages in Windows, they are indeed more realistic and informative than the linux error messages, but you can do nothing about them, that is the frustration.

[condor]

DRC, something for you:
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/65515-post144.html (The Official Joke thread)


Sammyboy, helps to search before posting:
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/151214-post723.html (The Official Joke thread)

[DRC]

One of my friends had a great flair for writing. He used to say ..." I want to be such a great writer that people who read my writings should react to my work from the deapth of their heart,
should jump in joy when I write that something worked,
should feel the frustration when I write some thing has gone wrong,
should feel the agony when I write about that something that hurts,
should weep when they hear from me that they just lost something,
should react in anger and throw the things around when I write somebody else outwitt them,
thereby trigger every emotion in you with what I write"

His dream came true, Now he authors error messages for Microsoft.

[DRC]

This is not really a joke but a true fact ...nevertheless funny

My company was a small MNC when I joined and now it is a big one after aquisition. As a small company hardly there were binding processes, here are a few example of creativity of such a situation....

Once an engineer in our US office sent a review comments captured in a file called "SCUD.doc", there was an updated binary of that work when was sent in a file named "Agni.bin"

There was only one engineer for VxWorks BSP development, he had his own version control mechanism,
first image "h.bin"
second update "ha.bin"
third one "han.bin"
.
.
.
.
Release image "hanuman.bin"


He used to have debug codes which were named, "wasworkingyesterdaybutnotworkingtoday.bin"

[DRC]

One more real life incedent I can't stop laughing.

We were on a jungle safari on those rattling busses in Nagarhole national park.. as usual we were disappointed as we did not see any tiger on that trip.
I asked the driver of that bus "have you ever seen a tiger during such safari rides?"

reply came " last month when forest minister had come to visit the park, we saw the tiger!"

[1self]

Q: What is the sport-version of Honda City?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What to you call a Honda City with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: How do you make a Honda City go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Honda City go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: How do you make a Honda City look good?
A: Park it between two Sonatas!

Classified Ad Translator!!

Must Sell - Before it blows up.

Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Municipal Garbage Truck.

Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.

Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.

All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.

Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.

Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.

Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.

Parts Car - Beyond repair.

Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.

Immaculate - Recently washed.

Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.

Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.

Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.

Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.

Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.

Desireable Classic - No one wants it.

Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.

Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.

Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid

Older Restoration - First owner washed it.

Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.

No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.

95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.

Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.

Exellent Fuel Mileage - It's slow.

Low Mileage - The odometer was turned back.

One Owner - Can't give it away.

Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.

..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.

Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"

[furioussphinx]

NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : Wo+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. bOiLs at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason.
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by that.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
did u hear about the
new element in the periodic table............