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Old 11th October 2006, 12:10   #1576
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Default Amazing Benefits !!

Times Of India - 11Oct 2006
Bangalore Edition
Page 23
Reader's Offer.




This one is a must buy ! Benefits:

* Gives you fresh water - instead of using water!
* Does not use any detergent!
* Returns 40% energy back to you, and hence to the power system!

Last edited by condor : 11th October 2006 at 12:16.
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Old 11th October 2006, 12:12   #1577
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So now you dont need water supply and as you wash clothes you can manufcature your favorite detergent too!!
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Old 11th October 2006, 12:31   #1578
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Hey condor, that's a killer! Finally an answer to India's power problems.
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Old 11th October 2006, 12:36   #1579
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
There is a corollary for this one..
Before it rolls to the unaccessible corner, It falls on your toe.

Corollary for this one is ...
Probability of the tool falling on your foot is directly proportional to the product of its wieght and its potential to injure your toe.
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Old 11th October 2006, 17:01   #1580
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A Lawyer's Ethical Dilemma...

After completing law school and passing the bar, a man decides to open up a private practice with one of his law school buddies as partner.

On their first day, they set up shop, and around lunchtime, the man's buddy goes out to get them some sandwiches.

Two minutes later, a woman walks in -- their first client!

She asks him to draw up some papers and review a couple of very simple contracts.
"That'll be $100," the man replies.
She complies, and having just gone to the bank, hands over a brand new, crisp $100 bill.

The woman decides to leave for the next hour, leaving the man to resume his work.
The man, relishing in his first payment as a lawyer, sits back in his brand new, leather chair and holds the brand new, crisp $100 bill up to the light with admiration and pride.
He sniffs the bill and starts to rub it a bit when suddenly, he discovers that he was mistakenly given TWO $100 bills!!!


And thus, he was confronted with his first ethical dilemma as a lawyer.

Should he tell his partner?
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Old 11th October 2006, 18:14   #1581
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A husband and wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress - sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty woman in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.
This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. Then he said to her, "Now, tell him you have a headache."
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Old 11th October 2006, 19:26   #1582
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Default Real Time Quotes from Real Dilbert Type Managers

Quotes From Real-Life Dilbert Managers

"From tomorrow, staff will only be able to access the building using security cards. Employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(The winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft, Redmond)


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes, Line Shipping)


"E-mail is not to be used to pass on data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting Manager, Electric Boat Company)


Boss quote: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation)


My sister passed away and her funeral was on Monday. When I asked for a leave, my boss said to postpone it to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)


"WE know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it."
(Switching Supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


My boss asked for a project report. I said, "Wouldn't tomorrow be soon enough?" He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow!"
(Hallmark Cards Executive)


"This project is so important, we can't let more important things interfere with it."
(Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)


"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! Now go act busy for a few weeks and then tell them."
(R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing / 3M Corp.)
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Old 12th October 2006, 14:02   #1583
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"Out of Office Auto Replies"

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification, as I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from holiday. Please be patient and your mail will be
deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.

6. Thank you for your message, which has been waiting in a queue. You are
currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

7. I've run away to join a different circus.

And, the award goes to. . .

8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Robert'.
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Old 14th October 2006, 11:37   #1584
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Talking How the Internet Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable also called UPS."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS in short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."YAHOO," said Abraham. And that is how it all began.
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Old 14th October 2006, 12:15   #1585
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Default TRUE MANAGEMENT JOKE- Manager & Canteen

A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the
cafeteria for coffee.
He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
He calls him.
Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
Canteen boy smiles...
Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
Canteen boy keeps quiet...
Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch
nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...
naam hai..........,
shohrat hai.........,
paisa hai............
Izzat Hai.............,
tumhare paas kya hai?
Scroll down to find out his answer .
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Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere
paas Maa hain" or those stupid Pj - "Mere Paas Raaj Maa Hai Types"
Just Scroll some more..............
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Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....
Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.......
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Old 17th October 2006, 10:37   #1586
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Default Missing in action...

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."
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Old 20th October 2006, 12:58   #1587
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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 1
picking up a 12 pack!
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...ect."
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Old 20th October 2006, 16:50   #1588
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Default If Bill Gates Start Making Films In Bollywood, Names Of His Would Be Films

1 Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
3. Aao Chat Kare
4. Programmer No.1
5. Mera Naam Developer
6. Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
7. Hum Apke Memory Mein Rehte Hein
8. Do Processor Baarah Terminal
9. Tera Code Chal Gaya
10. Har Din Jo Mail Karega
11. Network Ke Us Paar
12. Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
13. Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehta Hai
14. Raju Ban Gaya MCSE .!
15. Client Ek Numbari Programmer Dus Numbari
16. Login Karo Sajana
18. Naukar PC Ka
19. 1942 -- A Bug Story
20. Kaho Na Virus Hai
21. Crash Se Crash Tak
22. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
23. Password De Ke Dekho
24. Terminal Apna Login Parayi
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Old 23rd October 2006, 10:57   #1589
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: “Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, inspector”, says the Coroner.
Second body: “Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”
The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “This is the most unusual one: Mummeet Singh, age 30, struck by lightning.”
“Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector.
“He thought he was having his photo taken
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Old 24th October 2006, 15:47   #1590
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I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

manson.

p.s. last joke posted by 2l8 is a repost, we cannot trace to post # as 2l8 is getting old now.
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