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Old 28th October 2006, 15:35   #1591
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The The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased-in plan that would become known as"Euro-English. "
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k." This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and"w" with "v."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou"........ ...... and after ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evri vun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!!!!
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Old 30th October 2006, 12:44   #1592
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1) The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'

2) Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious

3) Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed.

The case was closed for lack of evidence.


4) Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to
be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father
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Old 30th October 2006, 19:02   #1593
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Steven Spielberg was holding a very special meeting where he discussed his new project...an action biopic about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.

Spielberg needed the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray.

"Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Stallone. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid."

Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold replied, "I'll be Bach."
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Old 30th October 2006, 22:54   #1594
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a very bad one:

A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khelein...

Santa: Oye tu aage chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya.
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Old 31st October 2006, 10:14   #1595
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Default Old farming custom?

Tony Blurr called Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters." "Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Prescott.

"Well," said Blurr, "We'll get ourselves one of those Barbour jacket, some boots, a stick and an Acura hat, oh and a Sheep Dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the countryside."

"Right PM," said Prescott. Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite dog, they set off from Sedgefield in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical country pub. Walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"Good Morning mate," said Tony, to the bartender, "two pints of your best beer."

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the barman, "two pints of our best coming up".

Blurr and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old farmer, complete with stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail with the stick and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer with his stick. He walked up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Blurr and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blurr, "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old farming custom?"

"Strewth no!" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told them that there was a sheep dog in this bar with two ****holes!"
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Old 31st October 2006, 10:17   #1596
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I dont know, and I dont care!
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Old 31st October 2006, 13:18   #1597
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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.





WARNING TO MEN:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.>
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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Old 31st October 2006, 18:34   #1598
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Jacko and Joe, two big brawny bouncers, were walking home from a late night out when Jack said, "When I get home, I'm gunna rip my wife's undies off."

"Why's that?" asked Joe.

"Cos the elastic is killing me," he replied.
-------------------------------------

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?", asks the German driver.

"Quattro means-a four", replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."

"You can't-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!", replies the Italian customs agent, "Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a your car and you are therefore-a breaking the law."

The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over - I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"

"Sorry" responds the Italian official, "He can't-a come. He's-a busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

-------------------------------------------

TICKLE ME ELMO

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.

"I'm sorry", he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday....

Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Last edited by harishsegar : 31st October 2006 at 18:51.
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Old 1st November 2006, 00:18   #1599
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have fun Guys...

Godfather

Last edited by Godfather : 1st November 2006 at 00:19.
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Old 1st November 2006, 07:05   #1600
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some text from a indian street racing community on Orkut...definitely belongs here.

"

Gautam 28/10/2006 08:31 It's Blade
hey evrybody, what's up gangstas, this is Blade, i own a Mitsubishi Tiburon, n it produces arond 800 BHP, ny body who's gotta some nice cars in india, i'll be more than glad, to have a word with ya guys... catch me n lets have some serious street racing.. HOllla If u hear Blade..

azhar 29/10/2006 09:17 mitsubishi tiburon?? i thought the tiburon was a hyundai car...
tech specs... 172 hp @ 6000 rpm
formula one cars are 800 horsepower!!

angel of deepnes 29/10/2006 09:32 frod post blade
gautam bhai here people has some knoledge yaar


u cant fool us there is no cars as such Mitsubishi Tiburon

there cant be any



& 800 bhp go & hav a brain chk

harry 30/10/2006 03:35 i heard BLADE
wooooo Blade dude u mus b on crack r sumthn
mann hw cn u evn imagine 2 let us believe 800HP
haaaaah
n a mitsubishi tubiron...
get sumthn orignal yaaar.....

MAYANK 30/10/2006 05:46 lol......
n i am razor i have a fiat gallardo which churns out 5000bhp ha ha ha......... i must say i like ur sense of humor

Gautam 30/10/2006 07:45 That';s Crap
HOlla me HOmme, listen punks.... my car has an upgrade for the engine made by me frnds alright..so when i say the car is there that means it's there n let me tell ya something to produce 800 Bhp ain't no big deal alright, put the NOs upgrade which has acceleration n speed regulator, put an engine which is atleast a 9000cc, now what u gotta do is put in some platinum spark plugs n other things, some real nice stuff, u know things have to be changed, if nyone knows here in india bout AUTP PSYCIC or something like that, these dudes will let ya know if u can produce a car of that calliber or no. u can produce upto 130Bhp from a ZEN when u upgrade it, so if a 1000CC gives ya that check out for the 9grand cc engine with upgrades, if nybody wants some infor on upgradin let me know, u guys know nothing. hahahaha

Gautam 30/10/2006 07:56 In Actual
Guys i agree with ya all on Hyundai Tiburon n it's specifications, the car I told ya bout earlier is Mitsubishi Eclipse but me n my frnds don like the name so i called it tiburon beacuse Tiburon is a town located in Marin County, California. n i love it.. Got me Punks
n if nyone wants the specification n what u can put in ur car to make it happenin let me know..

Rikin 30/10/2006 08:44 show ur ride or tape urself and post it

Rikin 30/10/2006 08:47 lol 9000cc ur one really whcked out case

Alex 30/10/2006 09:22 dear blade congratulations!!!!!!!!!!
you have successfully eliminated all your competition as far as the lunatic of the year award is concerned.....
man, what

"
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Old 1st November 2006, 14:28   #1601
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Default Men Are Better Friends!

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend’s and none of them confirm that.

Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends!!!!

manson.
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Old 1st November 2006, 17:27   #1602
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heavy_foot
if nyone knows here in india bout AUTP PSYCIC or something like that,

dear blade congratulations!!!!!!!!!!
you have successfully eliminated all your competition as far as the lunatic of the year award is concerned.....
This is too funny too funny

Though there's a typo. There's a guy called AUTOPSYCHIC in delhi
He is looking for a 9000cc engine to put in his alto. (oh dear, I'm out of smilies)
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Old 1st November 2006, 18:15   #1603
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Someone please invite this Gautam to team-bhp. He could probably host his own special thread for us.

I absolutely love how he's tried to squirm out of the whole "Mitsubishi Tiburon" thing!

Last edited by Boom Shiva : 1st November 2006 at 18:17.
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Old 1st November 2006, 18:32   #1604
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Maybe he's already here...
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Old 2nd November 2006, 14:41   #1605
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Is someone looking for me?
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