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Old 21st December 2006, 09:15   #1666
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Originally Posted by Steeroid View Post
You just dont get it, do ya?
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Originally Posted by faithless_1984 View Post
@kkr2k2- concentrate on the following lines buddy, hope you will get the joke now.!!
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kkr2k2 - Seems like it's been explained to you pretty well by now
I am still bulbing.........
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Old 21st December 2006, 09:19   #1667
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On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW.......
"BMW tinks of everyting!"
now thats what i call joke for the official joke thread.
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Old 21st December 2006, 19:29   #1668
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Old 21st December 2006, 21:38   #1669
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Old 23rd December 2006, 14:12   #1670
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Default Ciao Grandma...

A couple were dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house.

They didin't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird. The wife went out to the taxi while the husband went inside again to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night, so she explained to the driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just gone upstairs to say good-bye to my old grandmother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab."Sorry I took so long, Honey" he said as they drive away. "The stupid sh!t was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat @ss down-stairs and threw her out into the back yard & she was wailing her brains out! Gotta get rid of her soon."

Last edited by elf : 23rd December 2006 at 14:14.
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Old 23rd December 2006, 21:43   #1671
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Santa went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn’t like Sardars.

The game warden ordered Santa to show his hunting license, so Santa pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its bum, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?”

Santa reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its bum, and said “This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?”

Santa reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its bum, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This duck here’s from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?”

Again Santa reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at Santa “Just where the hell are you from ??”

Santa smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “ Oye You tell me , you’re the expert.!!!

Last edited by faithless_1984 : 23rd December 2006 at 21:44.
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Old 24th December 2006, 09:20   #1672
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This is a real story, happened just yesterday.

This week while driving at 30Kmph, my father-in-law's Fiesta (1.4 petrol) hit a pothole hard. One of the steel rim got bent and all the air gushed out of the stock tubeless tyre. Later he had a discussion with me and decided to upgrade to alloys, after all both my cars had alloys. He got it done yesterday.

We have a driver (aged about 60) who was a taxi driver most of his life. He looked at the alloys and was very impressed. Later he told us "The new wheel covers look very nice saar, although I tried to remove it and put it back, I just couldn't figure out how..."
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Old 24th December 2006, 13:18   #1673
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@Samurai: Priceless, dude! Reminds me of my friend with the Vulcan Kwacker who says that it's a modified CBZ with mods of 12 lakhs, every time he pulls up at the stoplight & somebody asks him "kya hai aur kitne ka modify kiya"
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Old 24th December 2006, 20:33   #1674
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Hand Brake Turns



JEEPS are for GurlS?



Pwn3D



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Old 27th December 2006, 12:38   #1675
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Default Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake.

Ingredients:
  • 1 cup water
  • 1 cup of brown sugar
  • 1 tsp baking soda
  • 1 cup of sugar
  • 1 tsp salt
  • Lemon Juice
  • 4 large eggs
  • Nuts
  • 1 bottle of Vodka
  • 1 can of Red Bull
  • 2 cups dried fruit
Method:
  1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
  2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
  3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
  4. Repeat.
  5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
  7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
  8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
  9. Try another cup - just in case turn off the mixerer.
  10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  11. Pick fruit off floor
  12. Mix on the turner.
  13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
  15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a s***!
  16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
  17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
  18. Check the vodka.
  19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  20. Add one table.
  21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
  22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over...
  23. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
  25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS AN' (hic) CHEEERRRSSSSSZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzz...
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Old 27th December 2006, 12:58   #1676
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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there, having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.


After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the table:

A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.


The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles, at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"


She smiles widely at him and says, Revenge!

Last edited by Samurai : 27th December 2006 at 13:21.
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Old 27th December 2006, 16:18   #1677
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Default A car born today

"And as I said in my State of the Union, the idea is to see that a car born today—I mean, a child born today will be driving a car, as his or her first car, which will be powered by hydrogen and pollution-free."
Source: Federal News Service, "Remarks by President George W. Bush Re: Energy Independence," Feb. 6, 2003
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Old 29th December 2006, 15:14   #1678
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Not sure If anyone posted this earlier...

One guy in a medical college is known for not getting out of the first year for good. All the professors there are so fed up, that they want to throw a very easy exam and get rid of this one. Then there comes the exam time.. The test is to identify the body parts.

Professor choses a random jar and that is a specimen of uterous. He takes shows it to the student and ..
Professor: Look, This one is unique and easyly identifiable. Just tell me what it is and you are thro' with your first year.

Student: I don't think I can identify this.

Prof: Take a guess. Even if you are closer, You are done. I dont want to see your face the next year too. You have gotten on nerves for 5 years already now.

Student: I think you have to bear with me for the sixth year too. I dont have a clue what this thing is.

Prof: Now you are talking! You need a clue? Here it is. ..
This organ is neither in my body, nor in in yours.. Guess what?

Student:Thanks Then, I think this must be BRAIN!
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Old 29th December 2006, 16:22   #1679
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Default Walking Eagle...

President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers."

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the President with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name "Walking Eagle". The proud President then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they had come to select the new name given to the President. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of $h!t it can no longer fly.
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Old 31st December 2006, 15:03   #1680
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Default 2006 Darwin Awards for Idiocy

Quote:
And the candidates this year are.............
MICHIGAN...
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


CALIFORNIA...
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.


NORTH CAROLINA
...
Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach-goers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.


CALIFORNIA...
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth(to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.


DELAWARE...
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in Selbyvill, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


HONOURABLE MENTION:

NEW JERSEY...
Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover township, NJ, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their car. While driving around 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP:

WASHINGTON...
TACOMA, WA.........Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. "All I can say" said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it."

Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER: FROM G-E-R-M-A-N-Y is....
Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally let it fly, and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him" said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated."
Source: Darwin Awards for idiocy 2006 - Alternative Nation
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