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Old 3rd January 2007, 20:46   #1681
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Default Happy Landings, anyone...?

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
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Old 3rd January 2007, 21:28   #1682
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Sorry elf but that's the 3rd time this thread has seen the same joke.


In feb 2006 and in oct 2005
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/129580-post543.html

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/182811-post986.html

Nevermind, 3rd time lucky lol
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Old 5th January 2007, 21:04   #1683
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CAN'T DO THAT IN A REST HOME

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set
her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She
seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in
her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her up.

Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to
her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all
right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
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Old 5th January 2007, 21:05   #1684
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A little OLD lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this
problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and
are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times
since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next
week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink
terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's
work on your hearing."
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Old 6th January 2007, 23:39   #1685
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Here is a crazy video I have seen titled " Video Evidence: Why people believe Americans are stupid"


My picks are:

What religion are the Buddhist monks ? No idea

Would you support president bush in invading K...stan ?

He is from Texas, whatever he does he has gotta be right

Whats the religion of Israel ? Israeli

Currency used in UK ? Queen Elizabeth's money

Don't know if it is made up, have fun

Last edited by sreenivass : 6th January 2007 at 23:42.
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Old 8th January 2007, 09:40   #1686
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Talking The Idiot Report 2006!!!

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot of 2006

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read ! it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put thecash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The
robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that a! ll of the above people are allowed to vote)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS.
__________________________________________________ ____
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
__________________________________________________ _____
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
__________________________________________________ _
IDIOT SIGHTING:

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
__________________________________________________ __
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
__________________________________________________ _____

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Old 8th January 2007, 13:55   #1687
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Hilarious ones !! but the thing is, this mail has been doing the rounds from 2004 ...every year ,they change it from 2004 to 2005 and now 2006

But hilarious read nevertheless..
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Old 9th January 2007, 07:00   #1688
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Dont see a better thread to post this one:


Beware! Fake notes through ATMs

"In the circular, it had instructed banks to stock their ATMs with good quality genuine notes and had said disbursement of counterfeit banknotes through ATMs would be treated as an attempt to circulate the forged notes by the bank concerned"



Banks circulating forged notes !
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Old 10th January 2007, 11:30   #1689
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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend version 7.0 to Wife I.0 soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks

A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:[

This is a very common problem that men complain about.Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under
Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,Tech Support

Last edited by rchimni : 10th January 2007 at 11:37.
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Old 15th January 2007, 10:15   #1690
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Roles in Heaven :

Brahma
Systems Installation

Vishnu
Systems Administration & Support

Lakshmi
Finance and Accounts consultant

Saraswati
Training and Knowledge Management

Shiva
DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh
Quality Assuarance & Documentation

Narada
Data transfer

Yama
Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant

Chitragupta
IDP & Personal Records

Apsaras
Downloadable Viruses

Devas
Mainframe Programmers

Surya
Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas
In house Hackers

Ravan
Internet Explorer WWWF

Kumbhakarnan
Zombie Process

Lakshman
Support Software and Backup

Hanuman
Linux/s390

Vaali
MS Windows

Sugreeva
DOS

Jatayu
Firewall

Dronacharya
System Programmer

Vishwamitra
Sr. Manager Projects

Shakuni
Annual appraisal & Promotion

Valmiki
Technical Write
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Old 15th January 2007, 10:29   #1691
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Default Jigsaw Puzzle

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says:



"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"



The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."



Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread al over the table.



He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going

to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....",



He said with a deep sigh, .............



"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.
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Old 15th January 2007, 10:34   #1692
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good one- choked on my breakfast after reading it!
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Old 16th January 2007, 01:27   #1693
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Default Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery...

  • Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
  • Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that??!!
  • Hand me that...uh...that uh... thingie...
  • Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Rats, there go the lights again...
  • Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
  • Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
  • Could you stop that thing from beating??!! It's throwing my concentration off!
  • What's this doing here???!!!
  • That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?
  • I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses...
  • Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us...
  • Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
  • OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
  • Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
  • Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
  • She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
  • Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Last edited by elf : 16th January 2007 at 01:35.
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Old 16th January 2007, 01:44   #1694
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Default Kiss & Tell...

A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted island. As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her life.

Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy Crawford.

Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days and weeks go by, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth in the man's eyes. Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks. "We have a wonderful life together and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"

"Sure," she says," if it'll help." He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks.

"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does so.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.

He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
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Old 16th January 2007, 05:13   #1695
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Talking The perfect indian car.



Taken from Cybersteering.com
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