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Old 25th March 2007, 01:49   #1801
aZa
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Default A few jokes

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"


__________________________________________________ ____________
Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Love,
Grandma

__________________________________________________ ____________

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting
back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

__________________________________________________ ______________

Automotive Engineer vs. Vanilla Ice Cream

A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'"
The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start.
Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate.

Moral of the story: Even insane looking problems are sometimes real.
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Old 25th March 2007, 08:24   #1802
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@aZa, Automotive Engineer vs. Vanilla Ice Cream has been around not as a joke, but as a customer-service narration. Not able to remember the manufacturer.
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Old 26th March 2007, 12:49   #1803
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"What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?"
"The entire Indian innings!"
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Old 26th March 2007, 12:50   #1804
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Greg is missing. A note found in his hotel room said, I am rushing home. Pls note that I am NOT writing and WILL NOT write any book in my life!'
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Old 26th March 2007, 15:33   #1805
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Default Intelligent BUSH

NEW YORK -- A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by The FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction. He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.
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Old 27th March 2007, 13:24   #1806
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Good ones, werfish and Technocrat!

Last edited by theMAG : 27th March 2007 at 13:25.
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Old 29th March 2007, 13:48   #1807
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Q: Why is Delhi a male city (Maha Nagar) and Bombay a female city
(Maha Nagri)?

A: Because Delhi has Qutab Minar and Bombay has Gateway of India

-----

Q: What did a Bengali voyeur say to another?

A: Keyhollo?

-----

A Gujju Business house?
Kalabhai-Salabhai

-----

Q : How do dogs in Dombivli (place near Bombay) wag their tails?

A : Up & down. Because, they don't have enough space to wag sideways


-----
Uttar Pradesh :

son of 2 fathers .. Dvivedi
of 3 fathers .. Trivedi
of 4 fathers .. Chaturvedi
of 5 fathers .. Pandey
of several fathers .. Misra
of unknown parentage .. Gupta

Last edited by theMAG : 29th March 2007 at 13:54.
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Old 29th March 2007, 13:53   #1808
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theMAG View Post
Q: Why is Delhi a male city (Maha Nagar) and Bombay a female city
(Maha Nagri)?

A: Because Delhi has Qutab Minar and Bombay has Gateway of India
So that way Bangalore is the Garden City because it has BUSHES all over ?
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Old 29th March 2007, 13:59   #1809
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Quote:
Originally Posted by normally_crazy View Post
So that way Bangalore is the Garden City because it has BUSHES all over ?
We love our bushes - no exceptions
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Old 29th March 2007, 14:51   #1810
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Quote:
We love our bushes - no exceptions
Hilarious..!!! ROTFL !!!
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Old 29th March 2007, 15:03   #1811
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Default Just for laughs !!

Rakhi Sawant, the tigress.

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Old 29th March 2007, 17:46   #1812
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MSdivy - just for laughs ? Thats a very serious picture !! haha
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Old 29th March 2007, 23:16   #1813
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Vacancies

1) Captain (P-001),
2) Vice Captain (P-002),
3) Coach (P-003) and
4) Team Members (P-004)



Eligibility Criteria
We are looking for Audience who have consistently watched all the world cup matches and who have scored over 65 runs in
Room Cricket & Street Cricket
Experience in Football, Volley ball is an added advantage ….

Models, Actors (Advertisements) are most preferable…..

LKG & UKG Teachers are preferable for the post of coach.


Selection Process
1. Batting Test (Vs Bermuda) (Candidate must score at least 50 runs )
2. Bowling/Fielding Test (Candidate should not bowl more than 3 wides /no-b@||s in an Over)
3. HR Interview
(Candidates will be called upon for the selection process based on the Eligibility Criteria)

Send ur resumes with subject Name/Post/Max runs scored E.g. Dhoni/P-004/37 to callforcric@bcci.com

Venue : NCA ACADEMY,
Chinnaswamy Stadium , Bangalore.

Date: 01-Apr-2007


Reference Books:

1) "Aap bhi Batsman ban sakte hein!" by Munaf Patel
2) "Cricket in 21 days " by Navjot Singh Buddhu
3) "From Losing a match to Murdering a coach" by Inzamam
5) "The complete cricket manual" by Mandira

Last edited by condor : 29th March 2007 at 23:22.
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Old 30th March 2007, 00:14   #1814
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HOW TO REMAIN INSANE AT THE WORKPLACE



1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does.
This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names: 'That's a good point,
Sparky.' 'No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.'

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs
me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap
yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself inan intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it: IN.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back
to workcomplaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, 'Oh you've got to be faster than
that.'

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction,
switch to espresso.
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Old 30th March 2007, 09:28   #1815
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There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their relationship was turning sour.
So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship.
So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid.
In the hearing in the court; it was decided that this choice should be left on the kid.
So the judge asked "Son would you like to stay with your mummy?"
Kid said, "No, mummy beats me."
So the judge asked "Then, would you like to stay with your papa then?
Kid said, "No, papa beats me."
Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do... after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child......

And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with......



Any guesses????? ???



Come on I know you can make it......



Ok here goes the answer.

The kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they



NEVER BEAT ANYBODY !!
NOT EVEN BANGLADESH
Hoo ha India ....!!!! ))))))))))))))))

Last edited by suman : 30th March 2007 at 09:30.
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