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Old 20th June 2007, 11:18   #1996
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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. So he picked out Santa to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting.

"Don`t ask me a lot of questions," he told Santa. "Just do whatever I tell you to do"

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard"

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.
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Old 20th June 2007, 12:22   #1997
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Final Exams

One night Jack Evans, along with his 3 university friends went out drinking till late night, as many college students are prone to do, and didn't study for their test, which, of course, was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty and weird as they could with grease and dirt.

They went up to the dean and explained that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst. They continued to explain how they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

The dean, being a compassionate human being said that they could take the test after 3 days. The students graciously replied that they'd be ready by that time.

On the third day, they appeared before the dean. The dean explained that since this was a special test all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the duration of the exam.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last three days. The test consisted of 5 questions with total of 100 points:

MID SEMESTER COURSEWORK EXAMINATION

INSTRUCTIONS :
All questions are required. Any inconsistencies on any of the questions among the four students will result in all the candidates getting a zero mark.

Q.1. Write down your name. ----- (2 POINTS)
Q.2. Write the name of the bride and bridegroom at the wedding you attended. ----- (30 POINTS)
Q.3. What type of a car were you driving? ------(20 POINTS)
Q.4. Which tire burst? ------- (28 POINTS)
Q.5. Who was driving? ------ (20 POINTS)
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Old 20th June 2007, 12:32   #1998
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You Are Getting Sleepy...

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.
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Old 20th June 2007, 12:51   #1999
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At The Top Of The World...

In the middle of a huge metropolitan city was a skyscraper where at the top was a bar. At the end of a particularly hard day at work Jim went up to the bar to let go the stresses of that day. When he got there, there was already a man sitting at the bar drinking a particularly vile looking drink. This strange man said "watch this" and proceeded to walk over to one of the large windows lining the wall. He then picked up a chair and smashed out the window and stepped out.

He started falling toward the ground turning end over end and right before he hit the ground he stopped and proceeded to drift up. He floated back up through the window and went back over to the bar.

Jim looked at the bartender and said "I'll have what he's having!"

After a few rounds of the drink, Jim stumbled over to the window and fell out. He fell all the way to the ground and landed with a loud SMACK.

The bartender turns to the mysterious man and says "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk!"
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Old 20th June 2007, 14:46   #2000
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When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
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Old 20th June 2007, 17:25   #2001
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A Car Launch .



A Truck Launch .

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Old 21st June 2007, 01:19   #2002
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Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news
crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Bob took the money.
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Old 21st June 2007, 13:49   #2003
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Default Cow story

***

INFOSYSism: You have 1,000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, and send them one at a time to the US for milking.

PATNIism: You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows.

WIPROism: GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

RELIANCEism: You donít yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism: You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as Tata Indicow.


***

DELLism: Intel has a goat. Samsung has a camel. Buy milk from both and sell it as cowís milk.

IBMism: You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism: You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism: You have a bull. It doesnít give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism: You have a cow. You donít know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism: You donít have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism: You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

HPism: You donít know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.

***

SONYism: You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the worldís thinnest milk.

GEism: You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year-old cow. If someone finds out, thatís his imagination at work.

CITIBANKism: Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2. Stay on line if youíd like our customer care to milk it for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by haryan View Post
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
you then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
market them world-wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

A CANADIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy some potatoes and beer. Have a Bar-B-Q.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
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Old 21st June 2007, 15:17   #2004
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Best guide to cows
PLiG - Internet Sunshine
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Old 21st June 2007, 15:22   #2005
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This happened yesterday, but it involved a bull.
I was parking in Noida sec 18 market. There are a few free parking spots(I will not tell you which ones), but you have to hunt for them.
So I found one, and saw that a big bull was sitting in it. I could have parked it to little side, but there was a bike and a couple of scooters parked sideways.
I was in no mood to shift them, so I thought I will shift the bull.
So i drove close to the bull and honked.
That guy did not even look.
Honk Honk Honk
Still a ignore,
Then I rev up my tractor. A few people walking behind my car try unsuccessfully to not get black, and the bull looks once. A very bored looks.
I rev till the tailpipe is free of carbon, but the bull ignores.
I am tempted to go out and shove the bull, but that would be
"Aa baill mujhe maar"
So I nudge closer and try to push the bull with bumper.
He does not move.
I again rev and push.
The dude looks at me, gives a annoyed looks and half stands up, but then changes his mind and sits again.
I nudge lightly again.
The bull now slowly gets up. Turns to face the car, with his backside on towards the scooters, and dumps a load of "you know what" smak on the seat, and then walks away to sit few meters away.
If I had time, I would have stood there just to click the photograph of the guy who's scooter was blessed, but since we were in a hurry no such luck.
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Old 21st June 2007, 15:34   #2006
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Have you been here lately?

Joe Cartoon
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Old 21st June 2007, 15:35   #2007
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Tanveer, trust you to be upto such antics. First you spray soot on bikers, and now force a bull to do a much more worser job for you?

Whats with you and 2 wheelers?
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Old 21st June 2007, 21:59   #2008
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Default Indian Police's clerical error !!

FIR is filed against Rajkumar Jha for leading a bunch of rioters. But the interesting fact is Rajkumar is just 2 years old

Read more: 2-yr-old booked for leading a riot : Bihar, child, police, riots : IBNLive.com : CNN-IBN
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Old 22nd June 2007, 17:59   #2009
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Not sure if this already posted...

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
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Old 22nd June 2007, 18:10   #2010
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You Know you are flying in a "No Frills" Airline When...


They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
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