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|17th August 2007, 23:13||#2221|
Join Date: Jul 2006
Thanked: 19,595 Times
Lukeskywalker with that blooper by yourself you have crossed over to the dark side of the mods on Team-bhp. this is very unfortunate. You need to learn the ways of the obiwan be wise and remove all formatting tags.
ps: sorry couldn't resist.
Last edited by Vid6639 : 17th August 2007 at 23:15.
|17th August 2007, 23:44||#2223|
Senior - BHPian
The edited version
One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay.
Following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student
bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from
eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation.
The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve
were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked
"Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark.
Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons to be
partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses
led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people
who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented
three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which
Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written
by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits,
and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
The government of Athen was democratic because the
people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in
Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King
Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death
grew boobs on their necks.
Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be
hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal
indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors.
In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady
Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote".
The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost."
Then his wife dies and he
wrote "Paradise Regained."
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks
in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided
against itself cannot stand."
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg
address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling
in their shoes.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen in England. She sat on a thorn
for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great
personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
|17th August 2007, 23:48||#2224|
Senior - BHPian
I think u have improved your diction master otherwise u'd have gone on lke this:
Crossed to the dark side have you Luke.
Unfortunate it is.
Learn the ways of Obiwan you should, remove all tags you will.
|18th August 2007, 00:11||#2225|
Join Date: May 2007
Thanked: 0 Times
An Indian guy named “Anantharaman Subbaraman” arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name. He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven’t called his name yet.
They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as
|18th August 2007, 01:04||#2226|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Jul 2006
Thanked: 447 Times
Terrific way to retort sam. i lobed every bit of that & i am sure i will make use of a few of those lines, if you do not mind.
The last time a lady called from HSBC regarding my payment which was overdue for 7 days & i had already made the full payment on the day of the call, I told the little (or large) lady that she sounded like my sister (trying to reprimand me) & that i had no mood to talk to my sister right then.
|18th August 2007, 10:50||#2227|
Join Date: May 2007
Thanked: 0 Times
"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"yes of course...."
"Great ! i never could before"
Another one, though might not sound like a joke...
An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
|18th August 2007, 15:47||#2228|
Join Date: Nov 2006
Thanked: 527 Times
Two sisters lived together and one became quite ill. Her doc told her that she had but a short time to live. She spoke to her sister and said, "Jennie when I die and you put up a gravestone, I want you to inscribe it just the way I tell you. I want them to put my name on it and underneath:
BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN
She died shortly thereafter and Jennie went to the maker of the tombstone and explained what inscription she wanted. The gravestone maker told that there were simply too many words to be put on the headstone.
Jennie complained that those were her sister's dying request. The gravestone maker assured her that he would do his best. After a month, the gravestone maker called Jennie and told her the stone was ready and that he had compiled with her dead sisters as best he could.
Jennie looked at the tombstone and across the top was her sister's name just as she had asked, and underneath was printed:
'RETURNED - UNOPENED'
|19th August 2007, 07:32||#2229|
Join Date: May 2007
Thanked: 0 Times
A good one, but not sure if it is already put up...
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom Closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community
|24th August 2007, 15:42||#2232|
Join Date: Jul 2007
Thanked: 3 Times
To: All Employees
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
|27th August 2007, 03:47||#2233|
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Bangalore (the city of modded cars) !!
Thanked: 28 Times
Infractions: 0/1 (10)
First time on computer after learning to type on a typewriter.
|29th August 2007, 11:37||#2235|
Join Date: Jan 2007
Thanked: 0 Times
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
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|Time for a Holiday Joke?||Steeroid||Shifting gears||9||24th December 2005 20:51|
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