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Old 6th May 2005, 04:37   #211
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BOMBAY

Bombay has no bombs and is a harbour and not a bay.

Churchgate has neither church nor gate but a railway station.

There is no darkness in Andheri.

Lalbaug is neither red nor a garden.

No king ever stayed at Kings Circle.

Nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus.

Nor is there any princess at Princess Street.

Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel.

There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines.

The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali not at Mahalaxmi.

There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar.

Teen bati is a junction of three roads and not three lamps.

Trams terminated at Kings circle not Dadar Tram Terminus.

Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market.

Safed Phool has the dirtiest blackish water.

You cannot buy coal at Kolsa Street.

There are no Ironsmiths at Lohar Chawl.

There are no pot makers at Kumbhar wada.

Lokhandwala complex is not an Iron and Steel market.

Null bazaar does not sell taps.

Nor does Bheendi Bazaar sell ladies fingers.

Kalachowki does not have a black police station.

The hanging gardens are not suspended.

Mirchi Gulli does not sell chillies.

Figs do not grow in Anjir Wadi.

Sitafals do not grow in Sitafal Wadi.

Jackfruits do not grow in Fanaswadi.

It is however true you may get fleeced at Chira Bazaar and robbed at Chor Bazaar.
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Old 7th May 2005, 13:48   #212
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Panipuriwallah: A child was born without an arm in our state. We had an artificial limb fitted on him and he grew up to become a boxing champion.

Bihari Babu: A child was born without a head in our state. We had a coconut fitted, and he grew up to become the railway minister.’’
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Old 14th May 2005, 00:39   #213
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Default prison and work

this is the difference between WORK and PRISON.


IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an
8X10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you
pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing
games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees
on the toilet.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to
visit.
AT WORK...you can't speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers
with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to
pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.



Rev
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Old 14th May 2005, 00:52   #214
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hahah heres another one .


Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"

Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"



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Old 14th May 2005, 01:02   #215
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SAME OLD STORY !!


Following a knock on the door of an undergraduate's
room at a university, a voice asked: "May I come in?
This is the room I had when I was at college." He was
invited in.

"Yes," he went on musingly: "Same old room. Same old
furniture. Same old view from the window. Same old
closet."

He opened the closet-door. There stood a girl, looking
scared.

"That's my sister," said the occupant of the room.
"Yes," replied the visitor.
"Same old story !!! "



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN.

A man was walking along the beach when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he
opened it.

A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him
out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant
you one wish, but only one.."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to
because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me
claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be
built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I
don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work
involved with the pilings needed to hold up the
highway and how deep they would have to be to reach
the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement
that would be needed.

No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,
"There is one other thing that I have always wanted.
I would like to be able to understand women. What
makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental,
why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So,
do you want two lanes or four?


rev

Last edited by revtech : 14th May 2005 at 01:05.
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Old 14th May 2005, 01:03   #216
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who had the b***s to do this ?????

Last edited by hkanitkar : 14th May 2005 at 01:05.
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Old 14th May 2005, 01:07   #217
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DETERMINED FIREMAN !!


Fireman John rushed into a burning building and
rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in
the top half of her baby-doll nightgown.

He carried her in his arms down three flights of
stairs and saved her from her sure demise.
As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude rushed
over her.

She looked at him with great fondness and admiration,
then said, "Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken
great strength and courage to rescue me the way you
did."

"Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight
off three other firemen who were trying to get to you
first!"


Rev
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Old 16th May 2005, 09:49   #218
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Love me for who I am !

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either
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Old 18th May 2005, 16:24   #219
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Few funny ones. Enjoy

1.She took off his pant gently & whispered" make me a woman. he smiled &
threw the pant at her and said, GO WASH IT!!!.

2.Wife: Who's that women who is staring at us? Hubby:Shhhh. i wud have a
tough time explaning to her tomorow who u are ...

3.When does skin meet skin, Hair meet hair & ***** disappear. think.....
u dirty mind....it happens when u blink ur eyes.

5.Women asked man who is travelling with six children, all these kids
are urs?? No, i work in a condom factory & these are customer
complaints.

6.Bride's dad hands a note to the groom: "GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT
RETURNABLE". Groom gave another note back to him "CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL
IS BROKEN".


8.Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs looks like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!

9.Son asks difference between confidence and confidential, Dad says, you
are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, thats confidential!

10.1st sardar: Mumbai is the best city, ALL Free: Pickup, Drop, Food,
Drink, Hotel even S*x.
2nd sardar:When did u go?
1st sardar:Not me, my wife went, she told me.

11.Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this right time we shud talk
abt s*x.
Daughter: Sure mom, tell me wat u want to know.
Mom:##??!!

12.Difference between Good & Bad Girls?
Good Girls open a few button in hot weather. But the Bad Girls open all
buttons to make the atmosphere hot.

13.Friend to sardar: Why are u going for a birth control surgery for the
ninth time?
Sardar: What to do yaar, my wife still keeps getting pregnant.

14.Husband and Wife are just like two tyres of a vehicle. Even if one
pucntures, the vehicle cant move further. So intelligent men always
carry a stepney with them!!
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Old 19th May 2005, 02:58   #220
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Only in America ... can a pizza get to your house
faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... are there handicap parking
places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America ... do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries and a diet coke.

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors
open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ... do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put, our useless junk
in the garage.

Only in America ... do we use answering machines
to screen calls and then have call waiting so we will
not miss a call from someone we did not want to
talk to in the first place.

Only in America ... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ... do they have drive-up ATM
machines with Braille lettering.

======================================

Girl and boy in nursery go to teacher and ask " can kids of our age have kids?"
Teacher replies " No, Never."
On hearing this the boy says to the girl - i told ya not to worry

======================================
Sardar: I haven't slept all nite in the train.
Friend: why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: why did'nt u exchanged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody to exchange in the lower berth..

Sardar tells a girl "Come to my house at nite, nobody will be
there............. Girl goes at night & really nobody was there.

A sardar went to a bank to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form, he
had gone to DELHI for filling up. U know why? Form says " FILL UP IN
CAPITAL ".

A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u
know what the business was? He opened a Saloon in Punjab!.

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a
women gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop
her!

Sardar: Why are all these people running?
Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why others are running?

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin & Martin. Again had twins & named
Peter & Repeater. Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again the same. Disgusted Sardar named them TIRED & RETIRED!

19 sardars went for a film.On asking them why they came in a big group
of 19, they replied that the film is only for above 18+..

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral
function. Suddenly all relatives beat him. Why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "you will go to jail".

Sardar gets ready ,wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, sits on the
branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardar: "I've been
promoted as branch manager."

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open mouth.........WHY?
Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light".

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as
to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected". After much thought
he wrote : Yes!

Sardar and his family went for a party. He introduces himself - I'm
sardar,she sardarnee, the boy my kid & the girl my kidney....

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. U know
why? Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's
already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Santa! Your daughter has died! Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th
floor. At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25th floor: I'm unmarried! At 10th floor: I'm Banta not Santa

On a romantic date sardar's girl friend asks him "Darling on our
engangement will you give me a ring? He said "Ya, sure what's your
phone number?

A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a air cell phone but still hutch network is following me.

Sardar wins 20 crore from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11 crore
after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 crore or else return
my 20 Rs back.!

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket
match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO
RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman:- I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.
Sardar:- why did u come so far? Instead u could have posted it....

What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any spelling mistakes.

Sardar proposed a girl......Girl said: 'I'm 1 yr elder to you'.
Sardar said: 'Oye, no problem Soniye, I'll marry you nest year.

Why can't sardars dial nine-eleven (911) at emergency? Becoz, they
can't find the eleven on the phone.

Sardar and his wife buy coffee in a shop. Sardar says: Drink quickly.
Wife asks: why?? Sardar says: hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10.

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked:
How'll you divide, you've 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll apply
next year.

Sardar's wish: when i die, i wanna to die like my grandpa who died
peacefuly in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the
car he was driving....

Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

Flash news: A two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in Punjab. Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not
in the morning. Sardarji replied ''Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM''.

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man says "Chin Yu
Yan" and dies. Sardar goes to china to find meaning of friends last
words. It is "you're standing on the oxygen tube!!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His
wife asked: what you are doing? He said: i'm seeing how i look while
sleeping.

A sardar was very fond of sensational and detective novels,
but he always started reading from the middle. A friend of his asked
why he did so? "It'z doubly interesting", said the Sardar. "to start
from the middle keeps one curious not only about its conclusion but
also about its beginning.
===============================================
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Old 20th May 2005, 20:05   #221
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Smile Condoms - Different Lines By Different Brands

PEPSODENT CONDOM -- RAAT BHAR DHISHUM DHISHUM


COLGATE CONDOM -- YEH HAI HAMARA SURAKSHA CHAKRA


NOKIA CONDOMS -- CONNECTING PEOPLE


MRF CONDOMS -- EXTRA RUBBER EXTRA MILEAGE


MOOV CONDOMS -- AH SE AHAA TAK


MIRINDA CONDOM -- ZOR KA JHATKA DHIRE SE LAGE


LUX CONDOMS -- FILMI SITARON KI PASAND


PHILIPS CONDOM -- LETS MAKE THINGS BETTER


ONIDA CONDOM -- NEIGHBOURS ENVY OWNERS PRIDE


THUMPS UP CONDOM -- TASTE THE THUNDER


COCA COLA CONDOM -- EAT CONDOM,SLEEP CONDOM WEAR ONLY COCA COLA CONDOM


ROTOMAC CONDOM -- SABKUCH DIKHTA HAI


AMUL CONDOM -- A GIFT FOR SOMEONE YOU LOVE


BAGPIPER CONDOM -- KHUB JAMEGA RANG JAB MILENGE TEEN YAAR MAI AAP AUR
BAGPIPIER CONDOM


PANAMA CONDOM -- NOTHING BETWEEN YOU AND ME


SEIMENS CONDOM -- COMMUNICATION UNLIMITED.


CADBURY(FLAVOURED) CONDOM -- ! ASLI SWAD JINDAGI KA


PRESTIGE COOKER CONDOM -- JO BIWI SE KARE PYARE WOH CONDOM SE KAISE
KARE INKAR

Cheers!!!

POLO CONDOM -- A CONDOM WITH A HOLE
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Old 21st May 2005, 13:41   #222
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Default who is smart, men or women?

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will
grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times more or
better!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis who women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your
husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times
richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and
what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story:

Women are clever. Don't mess with them.


Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.


Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

but that doesnt make women any more dumb that men as men tend to have this kind of over confidence quite often.
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Old 27th May 2005, 17:32   #223
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One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, which he used to cut his food. The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end, each sharpened to a point, which he used to spear his food and place it in his mouth. The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his ‘one point tool’ and his ‘four point tool.’

One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool. First he came upon the lion.
"Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No. Replied the lion, I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the gorilla.
"Gorilla, Gorilla! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No, Replied the gorilla, I have not seen your four point tool."

Then the chimp came upon the jaguar.
"Jaguar, Jaguar! he cried, Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I have seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
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"Because," replied the big cat, "I am a four point tool eater Jaguar..."
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Old 27th May 2005, 18:15   #224
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Heights!!

Height of patriotism - Ghandiji using khaadi condoms.
Height of noise - Two skeletons fighting over a tin roof.
Height of innocence - a teenager girl thinking her nipple to be a pimple.
Height of patience - A naked women lying under a banana tree waiting for a banana to fall
Height of frustration - A dog in a desert with no trees.
Height of confusion - A dog in a desert with two trees
Height of Embarassments - A man peeping tru a key hole finds another eye.
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Old 29th May 2005, 00:12   #225
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The Traffic Story....

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