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Old 10th June 2005, 17:04   #241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by normally_crazy
Dravid's wife : my husband plays long time, but not making powerfull shots,

Shewag wife:my husband makes powerfull shots, but cant play long time.

Ganguly wife: you both are lucky, mines not even lifting the bat.
Thank God Ganguly is not a sardar .. else it would have been a ...........
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Old 11th June 2005, 00:28   #242
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The Happy Mailman

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
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Old 13th June 2005, 10:38   #243
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Default An essay

This is a true essay written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC (IAS) Examinations.

The candidate has written an essay on the Indian cow:

Indian Cow

HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth.Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza ] , in hand , and drying in the sun. Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child.

This is done by knowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards.He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies

************************************************** **
We are informed that the candidate passed the exam and is now an IAS, in Bihar.
************************************************** **
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Old 13th June 2005, 11:46   #244
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[size=2]The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP. The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP. The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET. The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES. The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING. Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things... While the women STUCK to shopping...............

[/size]
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Old 16th June 2005, 23:05   #245
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Talking Aeging

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty?"

To which the eighty year old replied - "I don't wake up until ten!"






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Old 16th June 2005, 23:44   #246
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So one day the Pope decides to visit the forest. He chances upon the castle of a Baron and is invited to dinner.

The baron wants to impress the Pope and be blessed. He tells his 3 sons to act sophisticated, and only talk in verse. The first 2 are smart, but he is worried about the youngest, a dunce.

Dinner comes, and all is yet well. Son 1 goes "Oh Pope divine, please have some wine". The Pope smiles benevolently at him, and he is assured of a place in heaven! Son 2 soon says "Oh father sweet, please eat the meat." Instant salvation for son 2 as well.

Now dessert has arrived. The third son is all eager to impress the Pope. So he shouts out "Oy you b*stard, pass the custard!"

The Pope looks at him, puts his legs up on the table, and exclaims "Damn, this is just like home!"
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Old 17th June 2005, 12:55   #247
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Default my murphys laws

Decided to compile my own list of Murphys laws:

The 1st part of the series is dedicated to cars:

Cars / Driving Laws:

1. The later you run, the more is the chance of you hitting a red light.
2. The cleaner you wash your car, the bigger is the dropping that falls on it.
3. The spanner/nut will always fall towards the centre of the car, away from the reach of your hand.
4. The car keys are always in the pocket, the side of which has its hand the most occupied.
5. The more broke you are, the lesser is the fuel in the car.
6. An electric failure will occur exactly when you are talking to the dealer for trading the car.
7. The better you polish the car, bigger will be the scratch to appear on it in the following week.
8. There will be a slower vehicle blocking the very lane you switch to.
9. In all probability, the above said vehicle will be driven by an elderly person or a lady.
10. Whenever you attempt to find a parking slot near your destination, there won’t be any available, and you will have to come back to the farthest one.
11. And, there will always be an empty slot available nearest to your destination, whenever you play safe and park at the farther one.



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Old 20th June 2005, 00:10   #248
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A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.

They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff, and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said," I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"

Moral: "Always allow the boss to speak first"
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Old 22nd June 2005, 18:30   #249
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Once laloo went to the US to visit his counterpart the US senator who was the US railway minister. When the senator invited him home for dinner, Laloo was very impressed by the lavish mansion, grounds and the costly furnishings. He asked "How can you afford all this on a meagre senator's salary?" The senator smiled knowingly and took him to the window. "Can you see the river?" "Yes" "Can you see the railway bridge over it?" "Of course", said Laloo. "10 percent", said the senator smugly.

Some time later, the senator had occasion to pay a return visit. The Indian minister (Laloo) lavished all hospitality on him. When they came to his house, the American was stunned by the huge palace Laloo had built, glittering with precious art, hundreds of servants etc etc. "How can you possibly afford this, on a salary in Indian Rupees", he asked. Laloo called him to the window. "See the river over there?" "Sure", cried the senator. "Can you see the railway bridge over it?" The senator looked, was confused, peered closely and said "No, I don't see any bridge." "100 percent", said Laloo!!
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Old 22nd June 2005, 23:23   #250
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Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
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Old 23rd June 2005, 14:02   #251
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Embarassing first Date

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays.
> > >
> > > This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
> > > Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first
> > > date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst
> > > first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to
> > > why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...
> > > snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It
> > > was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all,
> > > and truly had never met before.
> > >
> > > The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were
> > > headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down
> > > the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should
> > > not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away
> > > from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her
> > > companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a
> > > while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going,
> > > there came a point where she told him that he had better stop
> > > and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat
> > > of his car.
> > >
> > > They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
> > > her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she
> > > didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the
> > > rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other
> > > side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real
> > > gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about
> > > was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature
> > > of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware
> > > of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the
> > > young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the
> > > car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles
> > > immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh
> > > from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand
> > > new problem due to the extreme cold.
> > >
> > > Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered
> > > her concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that
> > > indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some
> > > assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover
> > > herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly
> > > into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles
> > > and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they
> > > assessed her dilemma.
> > >
> > > Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were
> > > faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would taking
> > > something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy
> > > metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament
> > > in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only
> > > one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her
> > > first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt
> > > off the fender. Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car
> > > although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much
> > > conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter,"
> > > the two did not see one another again.
> > >
> > > As for the Tonight Show, she took the prize hands down... or
> > > perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first
> > > date was embarrassing. A whole new definition of being "pissed
> > > off"
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Old 23rd June 2005, 14:42   #252
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Sheesh! That would be a huge turn-off. Had me in splits though

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Old 23rd June 2005, 14:50   #253
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GTO
Sheesh! That would be a huge turn-off. Had me in splits though

GTO
Well, remeber to use a merc - headed windscreen washer jets
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Old 23rd June 2005, 17:39   #254
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ek hariyanvi se koi aadmee bolta hai -"bhai shab main aapko choti see takleef de sakta hoon"
...........
............
..............

hariyanvi bolta hai "DEKE KE TO DEKH"

Last edited by aah78 : 13th March 2007 at 03:08.
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Old 23rd June 2005, 20:48   #255
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I always get confused at this spot at worli naka.... help?



cya
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