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Old 29th June 2005, 10:15   #271
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This first part where the first truck goes into the water is true. The second one is fake as you suddenly find that the people in front of the truck disappear in milliseconds!!!
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Old 30th June 2005, 21:55   #272
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Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this the day after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
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Old 1st July 2005, 15:34   #273
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First read and then click on the link.

A sardar came to garage and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. All looked at each other, and another. Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

He replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the sardar a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw what the piece looked like.

He drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Mechanic then took him over to another car which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

He pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."

Click here
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Old 4th July 2005, 15:02   #274
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Talking

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I noticed then that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of... you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%"

"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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Old 6th July 2005, 10:29   #275
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In Memory of all those who love their boss!

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead. "I'm afraid
he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the
wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss. By
this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU
TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Coz," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
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Old 6th July 2005, 10:35   #276
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This is called the quick eye
exam.............................




Quick Eye Exam...

This will blow your mind...!

Just do it - don't cheat!!!!!!!!!!!!

Try this its actually quite good.

But don't cheat!

Count the number of F's in the following text in
15 seconds:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



Managed it?

Scroll down only after you have counted them!



OK?



How many?



Three? (You r definitely male!!!)











Wrong, there are six - no joke!














Read again!



FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS



The reasoning is further down...

The MALE brain cannot process the word "OF".



Incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go has
a brain of a Female
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Old 6th July 2005, 12:17   #277
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thats really wild Gordon,
Cant believe i missed all the "Of"s !!!!
on the other hand i'm happy to know i have a male brain!!
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Old 6th July 2005, 13:07   #278
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oh holy crap...got all the "f"........
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Old 6th July 2005, 13:14   #279
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iceman91
oh holy crap...got all the "f"........
so it's "icebabe91" then ?
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Old 6th July 2005, 13:43   #280
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6 F's here too.

I guess being in touch with your feminine side attracts chicks. I hope so!
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Old 6th July 2005, 14:52   #281
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[size=2]1. What is height of Fashion?

Dhoti with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?

Offering black visiting cards.

3. What is height of Active laziness?

Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?

Adopt a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?

Getting a white paper Xeroxed.

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him /her

last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?

A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?

A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

9. What is height of Suicide?

A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?

A cow giving milk powder

[/size]
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Old 8th July 2005, 15:20   #282
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Nice one,

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
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Old 8th July 2005, 16:05   #283
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Quote:
Originally Posted by normally_crazy
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil.
Ha, ha, ha... this is a great one. FYI for the industry outsiders, now Anderson Consulting goes around with their new name, Accenture.

Check this out...

More chicken/roads jokes than you ever seen before!

TEACHER:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.

PLATO:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening it's dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Anderson Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking it's physical distribution strategy and implementation process. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Anderson helped the chicken use it's skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of it's overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Anderson Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. And God came down from the Heavens, and he said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

FOX MULDER:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road for you to believe it?

RICHARD M. NIXON:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken DID NOT cross the road.

MACHIAVELLI:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

JERRY SEINFELD:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Why does anyone cross the road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was the chicken doing wandering around all over the place anyway?"

FREUD:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000 (with integrated Internet Seed Explorer), which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your chequebook.

OLIVER STONE:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who is crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?

DARWIN:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

BUDDHA:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Asking the question denies your own chicken nature.

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To die. In the rain.

COLONEL SAUNDERS:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. I missed one?

BILL CLINTON:
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. I did not have sexual relationship with that chicken.
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Old 9th July 2005, 04:41   #284
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Mr. Bean.

MR. BEAN WHILE IN CLINIC
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN number. Hee, hee!
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN number if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: Four asterisks!

MARRIAGE

Friend: How many women do you believe a man must marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.

MOM

Mr. Bean: (crying) The doctor called, & Mom's dead
Friend: Condolence, my friend.
After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: What now?
Mr. Bean: My sister just called, her mom died too!

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hoursbecause of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too. I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.

SPELLING LESSON

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of 'successful' ... Is it one 'c' or two c's?
Mr. Bean: Make it three 'c's to be sure!



X
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Old 12th July 2005, 14:13   #285
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[font=Courier New][size=2]SantaSingh: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?[/size][/font] [font=Courier New][size=2][font='Courier New']
biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Accident ho jaye iske pahale ghar[/font][/size][/font] [font=Courier New][size=2][font='Courier New']
pahunch jaate hai. ..[/font][/size][/font]
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