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Old 26th December 2008, 00:33   #3376
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they havn't changed it yet
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Old 28th December 2008, 18:48   #3377
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Default An Atheist' prayer!

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive..."
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Old 29th December 2008, 09:52   #3378
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@iraghava

Good one,even as an atheist I could appreciate it

Last edited by Technocrat : 29th December 2008 at 11:33. Reason: Removed extra stuff which was not in good taste.
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Old 29th December 2008, 15:21   #3379
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Default For the bachelors !

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,poke me in the ribs and cackle,telling me, "You're next".
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

Last edited by maverick030581 : 29th December 2008 at 15:23. Reason: double post in error
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Old 29th December 2008, 17:05   #3380
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Gujju, Madrasi, sardar and lunch

A Gujrati, a Madrasi and a sardaar were doing construction work onscaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were having lunch and Gujjuopened his lunch box & said, "Dhokla ! If I get dhokla one more
time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Madrasi opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Idli Sambhar again! If I
get idli sambhar one more time I'm going to jump off too."
The sardaar opened his lunch and said, "Parontha again! If I get a parontha
one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Gujju opened his lunch box, saw dhokla, and jumped to his
death.
The Madrasi opened his lunch, saw idli sambhar, and jumped, too.
The sardaar opened his lunch, saw the parontha and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, Gujju's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of dhokla, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Madrasi's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him dossa! I
didn't realize he hated idli sambhar so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the sardaar's wife.

The sardaar's wife said,
"Don't look at me.
He makes his own lunch."
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Old 30th December 2008, 14:14   #3381
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Default Go and speak to your son!

This 16 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!" says the mother.

A few hours later the father comes home and the mother says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why Mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"All right! That's my boy!" says Dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about sixteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting."

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad.

His son replied, "Nah, my *** is still sore."
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Old 30th December 2008, 14:31   #3382
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One fine day, Brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull & crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and the crew talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon TEN pirate ships. Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said "Bring me my brown pants."
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Old 30th December 2008, 14:32   #3383
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Spinnerr - Get ready to be 'Condored'!!
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Old 30th December 2008, 14:58   #3384
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man that was too wicked lolz
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Old 30th December 2008, 15:38   #3385
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iraghava View Post
Spinnerr - Get ready to be 'Condored'!!
Hay, i did use the Search this thread option, I had checked for "year-old boy comes home ", nothing turned up.

, so I hope not.
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Old 30th December 2008, 15:48   #3386
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Here is another one, this is a bit long... but worth the laugh... just visualize...

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.
I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug callead duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas
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Old 31st December 2008, 15:46   #3387
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Default Dr.

This is a short story written by Dr Kishor Shah....he is a Gynecologist in Pune and a very gifted writer....enjoy this extremely funny story.


My wife is an ENT Surgeon while I am a Gynecologist. This can lead to some complications, as I recently learned to my anguish.

A General Practitioner phoned me up and told me that she is sending a patient of hers for an abortion. Unknown to me, she had also referred a female with earwax, for removal of the wax to my wife.

I duly informed the receptionist to send the patient right in as she was expected (and expecting!) As Murphy lays down the laws of our hospital, it was but natural that the patient who wanted the wax removed from her ear, landed up with me.

This is the conversation that I had with the patient.

"Please come in. Be seated." I said with a big smile.
I always have a big smile, when I am going to earn some money. The patient gave a feeble smile and sat hesitantly on the edge of the chair.

"Relax."

"Doctor, will this hurt a lot?"

"Not at all."

The patient relaxed visibly. "You know something, Doctor; we tried removing it at home, but failed."

I was shocked. "Thank God. Trying this at home can cause serious complications."

"I first tried to remove it by jumping up and down, but it just wouldn't budge."

I smiled and said, "If it were that easy, who would need doctors?"

She gave a cute smile and said, "Yeah! My neighbour tried to remove it with a hair pin but could not do so"

"Oh my God!"

"Yes! My mother even tried a matchstick."

My blood pressure was shooting skywards. I just sputtered without uttering a word.

"Tell me, doctor, how do I avoid getting this dirt inside me?"

I knew that it was an unwanted pregnancy, but calling it dirt was too much.
I replied a bit angrily, "There are tablets which can prevent this happening. Or you could use protection at night."

Now it was the patient's turn to be confused, "You mean to say that it happens only at night?"

I saw her point. "No! No! I meant anytime of the day, whenever you are in the mood, you should use protection."

She was even more confused, "It depends on my moods?"

Again I saw her point. "My mistake. You need not be in any sort of mood. It
just happens."

"My neighbour advised me to go to one of those chaps who sit by the roadside."

"You mean that pin man?"

"Yeah!"

This neighbour of hers seemed to be a very dangerous man. Besides using pins, he was sending her to such quacks. The only safety he knew was among the pins.

"You were wise not to heed his advice."

"But I tried his other advice. He told me to put warm oil inside and wait. However, that also did not work."

This was getting more and more bizarre. Her neighbour deserved to be locked up either in a padded cell or a barred one.

"But have you taken your husband's permission?"

Now the patient looked confused. "Do I have to take my husband's permission? Because if you need his sign, he is working in Dubai . We were not able to meet for the last one year."

It was my turn to be shocked. I gave a sly smirk.


It was one of 'those' cases. The pin-wielding neighbour seemed to me the usual suspect.


I reassured her. "No! No! The husband's sign is not at all needed."

"However, I did inform him on phone."

Her husband seemed to me a very broad-minded fellow. I didn't know whether to congratulate her or to commiserate with her.

So I hastily turned to other aspects. "Its good that you came a bit early."

"Actually I wanted to come early in the morning, but I had some other work."

"Oh! I did not mean early today. I meant that if you had delayed this removal, it would have started moving. Then it would have developed a heartbeat."

This was the final straw. She didn't even wish me goodbye. I saw just a blur of motion leaving my consulting room at top speed.
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Old 4th January 2009, 19:36   #3388
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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
1. Not everyone who $hits on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep $hit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Old 5th January 2009, 16:40   #3389
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mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the motor of a car when
he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off
to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at
his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," Hello Doctor!!

Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take
valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will
work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me
is doing basically the same work? "

The doctor leaned over and whispered to the
mechanic.


He said: "Try to do it when the engine is running
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Old 5th January 2009, 16:49   #3390
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Default True Time Management....

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes.

After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out overthe urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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