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Old 23rd August 2009, 01:47   #3796
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Recession Hits All:

Car Salesgirl to callgirl : Aaj koi car naa biki toh meri chaddi utar jayegi!!!

Callgirl to Car Salesgirl : Aaj agar meri chaddi nahi utri toh meri car bikk jayegi!!!

PS:Mods if you find offensive please delete
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Old 23rd August 2009, 13:12   #3797
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GOD & CREATION
God created the donkey
and said to him;
"You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset
carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass,
you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years."
The donkey answered:
"I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 30 years"
God granted his wish.
God created the dog
and said to him;
You will be a dog
"You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend.
You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.
The dog answered:
"Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years.
" God granted his wish.
God created the monkey
and said to him:
"You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks.
You will be amusing and you will live 20 years’’The monkey answered:
"To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years."
God granted his wish.
Finally God created man
and said to him:
"You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.
You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.
You will dominate the world and you will live 25 years."

Man responded:
"Sir, I will be a man but to live only 25 years is very little,
give me the 20 years that the donkey refused,
the 15 years that the dog did not want and
the 10 years the monkey refused.
" God granted man's wish
.................................................. .......................................

And since then, man lives 25 years as a man,

marries and spends 20years like a donkey,
working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are grown,
he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house
and eating whatever is given to him,

so that when he is old,
he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey,
going from house to house and from one son or
daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

THAT IS LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by ajmat : 23rd August 2009 at 14:07.
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Old 23rd August 2009, 13:52   #3798
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Management course basic lessons

Lesson 1

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin. clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’

Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’

Puff! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.

The manager smiles and say, ‘I want those two back in the office after the lunch-time.’

Moral of the story

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 2

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’

The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 3

A Turkey was chatting with a Bull.

‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the Turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the Bull. They’re packed with nutrients.’

The Turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave her enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, she reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the Turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree..

She was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot her out of the tree.

Moral of the story

Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won’t help you stay there for long.

Lesson 4

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and she fell to the ground into a large field.

While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her.

As the frozen bird laid there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm it was.

The dung was actually thawing her out!

She lays there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat hears the bird singing and comes to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug her out and ate her.

Morals of the story

[1] Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

[2] Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.

[3] And when you’re in deep ****, keep your mouth shut!

Lesson 5

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’

After thinking that she has a chance earning $800 within a minute, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’

‘It was Bob the next door neighbour,’ she replies.

‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

Moral of the story

Do not share any critical information unless you understand the need of opposite person. It may or may not help him but surely won’t help you.

Lesson 6

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



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Old 23rd August 2009, 15:33   #3799
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^^^^ all was posted before.
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Old 24th August 2009, 14:59   #3800
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Default H1n1

Today morning I visited the newly opened US Consulate at Hyderabad and requested for a visa.

The staff there was very polite and helpful and informed me that "I cannot apply with them for H1N1, it is not a visa."

Last edited by Jaggu : 24th August 2009 at 15:08. Reason: Removing [Font] tags, please preview the post and avoid using external font editors. thanks
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Old 25th August 2009, 18:34   #3801
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Default Tech Support Tricks

the truth has to come out some day
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Old 25th August 2009, 20:36   #3802
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Kavita had just got married and being a traditional Maharashtrian, she
was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. Her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry Kavita, Nikhil is a good man. Go upstairs and he'll
take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Nikhil took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest.
Kavita ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Nikhil's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Kavita," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got into the bedroom, Nikhil took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Kavitaa ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Nikhil took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Nikhil is a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Nikhil took off his
socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Kavita saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Nikhil has got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the kheer Maria, this is a job for Mama!"
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Old 25th August 2009, 20:37   #3803
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After 40 years as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?" The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
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Old 25th August 2009, 20:51   #3804
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(I hope this is not inappropriate this is my first post on the joke thread, and sorry if it is a repeat)

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said 'Ok'.
They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good,I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.
The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.
The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said 'I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and forty bucks for a ****ed up duck.'
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Old 26th August 2009, 14:45   #3805
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A friend from UK clicked this.. and this does exist!!!
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Old 27th August 2009, 16:49   #3806
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Default Microsoft to the rescue!!!

A pilot is flying a small, charter helicopter with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport.

There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.

He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous.

At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot writes “WHERE AM I ?? ” on a sheet of paper and ticks it to the windshield for the lone worker to see..

The solitary office worker writes an answer on a neat A4 and sticks it to his window.. saying “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.".

The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the chopper stops, the rotor coughs and the engine dies from lack of fuel.

The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

"Elementary," replies the pilot, " I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.. It was a typical Microsoft answer that was technically correct but totally useless..”
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Old 27th August 2009, 19:06   #3807
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ?ushk@r View Post
A friend from UK clicked this.. and this does exist!!!
lol maybe some Brit heard Indians using the word " Jhakaas " slang for awesome and interpreted it in this way
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Old 29th August 2009, 12:57   #3808
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ?ushk@r View Post
A friend from UK clicked this.. and this does exist!!!
I searched "Jackass Lane" in google maps and found the address: "Jackass Ln, Silver City, Grant, New Mexico 88061"
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Old 29th August 2009, 22:24   #3809
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Check out these:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A: To get to the same side!
---------------------------------

73.14% of all the statistics are made on the spot.
----------------------------------------

Son: Dad, who is a fool?
Dad: A fool is a person who explains everything in such a complicated and round about way, that no one but himself can understand what he is taking, understood?
Son: No!
---------------------------

There are only 2 kinds of people in the world : Ones who think there are only two kinds of people in this world: one who think there are only two kinds of people in this world: one who thinks there are only.............. one who thinks..

LOL!
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Old 31st August 2009, 15:27   #3810
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Guys guess what? It took me couple of months to come to this point and am I happy?
No :(
I am really sorry that there are no more jokes to read in my leisure time!! What did I like so far? Many unheard jokes and the presence of condor and his assistants So can I add this my post to joke thread? mmmm sorry! I was not really joking when I told you all these things ... so having typed all these things ... now...I don't know if I should post or not !!
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