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Old 31st August 2009, 19:22   #3811
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Traffic Woes near Tidel Park, Chennai.
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Old 31st August 2009, 19:50   #3812
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amith.2974 View Post
(I hope this is not inappropriate this is my first post on the joke thread, and sorry if it is a repeat)

There was a man who had three sons. He gave each of them a duck and told them to go out and sell their duck for as much as possible.
The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer
The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer.
The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said 'Ok'.
They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good,I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again.
The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car.
The driver jumped out of the car and said 'I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the third son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.
He said 'I got a **** for a duck, a duck for a ****, and forty bucks for a ****ed up duck.'
ROFL! Good one!
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Old 1st September 2009, 11:40   #3813
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Talking Traffic Symbols Explained Properly

Traffic Symbols Explained Properly - The perfect way of story telling or its better than Yeti Blog !
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Old 1st September 2009, 13:12   #3814
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An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing on their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.... '

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

-------------------------------------------

A little old Irishman gets pulled over by a policeman, who says,

"Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"

The old fella replied, "Oh, thank Christ. I thought I'd gone deaf!"

--------------------------------------------

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about five minutes and when I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus!
--------------------------------------------

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
--------------------------------------------
Anne meets up with Dana while she is picking up her car from the mechanic.

Anne asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"

Dana replies, "Yes, thank goodness. I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was $12 worth of blinker fluid."
--------------------------------------------

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!!"
--------------------------------------------

A young nun joined an order which allowed her to say only two words every ten years.

After the first ten years, she said to the Mother Superior "Bed hard."

Ten years later, she said "Food stinks."

Ten years later, she said "I quit."

The Mother Superior said, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
--------------------------------------------

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
--------------------------------------------

Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind. Then this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still had not paid for them. Now just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllllooooo??? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He did not call back. Boy, I bet he felt dumb!!
--------------------------------------------
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Old 1st September 2009, 14:09   #3815
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ha ha ha nice ones lambo
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Old 1st September 2009, 17:23   #3816
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lamborghini View Post
......
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by lamborghini View Post
.......
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
Can someone please explain the jokes in the above two?
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Old 1st September 2009, 17:34   #3817
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The first one: When roads have ice and snow on them, they use salt trucks to sprinkle salt on the road to keep them from turning slippery.

Second: The monks misread celebrate as celibate and practiced celibacy for centuries.
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Old 1st September 2009, 17:35   #3818
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Quote:
Originally Posted by safari_lover View Post
Can someone please explain the jokes in the above two?
salt is used to prevent ice formation in icy/snowy conditions on the road. so Kevin is driving a truck which is spraying salt on the streets.

Monks have practiced celibacy for generations - idea in this joke is - perhaps some earlier translator changed celebrate to celibate - that resulted in the monks practicing celibacy.

oops crossposted along with samurai.
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Old 1st September 2009, 17:39   #3819
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Thanks a guys! It makes so much sense (fun), now!
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Old 1st September 2009, 19:55   #3820
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Default Sach ka Samna

I am not sure, you have read this in the forum, if so, i am willing to get condor'd

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Kyle's Dad brought home a robot one day. The robot had the ability to detect lies and would slap the person who lied.

Kyle returned late from school. Dad asked, Son why are you late from school'?

Dad, we had extra classes today,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face.

Dad shouted, "Come on tell me the truth, why are you late?"

Dad, I went to see the movie Ten Commandments,
Robot slapped Kyle on his face

Sorry dad, I went to see the movie "Reshma Ki Jawaani

"Shame on you son, when I was your age, I never watched obscene movies or misbehaved",

Immediately, Dad gets a slap on the face from the robot.

Kyle's mom comes walking out of the kitchen and says to her husband, "After all, he's your son

The robot slaps the mom.

Last edited by Rehaan : 3rd September 2009 at 14:52. Reason: Please dont post in all bold text.
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Old 2nd September 2009, 13:05   #3821
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Santa and Banta Singh were in Paris where they made friends with a French guy named Jean Paul. They used to go all over Paris with him when suddenly one day Jean Paul disappeared.
Santa and Banta went to the police and lodged a complaint. The police asked Santa/Banta if they could give some vital clues about Jean Paul that would make finding him easier.
Santa says "Jean Paul was handsome and tall"
Police " All Frenchmen are like that... give us something specific"
Banta says " Jean Paul had blue eyes and was very fair"
Police says " C'mon guys, all Frenchmen have blue eyes and they are fair, tell us something specific"
Santa and Banta together now. “Oh yes. Now we remember, Jean Paul had two holes in his ***!!!
Policeman gets really interested now. “Now that's something very specific-but tell me, how do you know this?? Did you guys see it?"

Santa & Banta " No we didn't see the holes, but wherever we went with Jean Paul, everyone used to say, here comes Jean Paul with the two *** holes."
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Old 2nd September 2009, 15:56   #3822
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Skoda one-liners:

How do you double the value of a skoda?
Chuck a penny into it.

Why does a Skoda have a double rear window heater ?
To keep everyones hands warm when they are pushing it !
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Old 7th September 2009, 20:00   #3823
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Default What driving teaches you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Old 8th September 2009, 03:59   #3824
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^^ that's the siggy of Michael schume
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Old 8th September 2009, 13:44   #3825
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Default Secret of a happy marriage

Man to his neighbour:
Hey, can you tell me the secret of your happy marriage? Every moment, I hear only sounds of laughter from your house.

Neighbour:
Oh, that! Actually when my wife hits me, she laughs and when she misses, I laugh. So you see...

__________________________________________________ ______

Man, lying on the operation table, to his wife:
Darling, in case I die on the operation table, I want you to marry the doctor.

Wife:
That is a strange request dear. Why do you want that?

Man:
I can't think of a worse punishment for him
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