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Old 17th August 2005, 18:02   #376
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WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to

The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron

The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!

The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to like.

The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.

The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.

The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.

The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.

The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.

The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
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Old 18th August 2005, 10:33   #377
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The Pastor's Ass


A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:


PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS



The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:


PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT



The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:


BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN



The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:


NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10


This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:



NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE


The Bishop was buried the next day.




Rev
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Old 18th August 2005, 11:13   #378
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Default Viagra

Proper dosage of vaigra ...With new girl no need ..

with old girl half tab, with mistress one tab,

with wife ... 2 tab + blue film +beer+wine+whisky+will power !!!
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Old 18th August 2005, 19:33   #379
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Talking Twin Truble

> >> Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat
and
> >> kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group
> >> of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as
> >> much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of
the
> >> evening.
> >>
> >>
> >> Unknown to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly.
> >> When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at
> >> the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm
> >> so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was
> >> talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be
> >> rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom
> >> was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always
> >> holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in
> >> the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she
leaked
> >> like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her
> >> to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
> >> wasn't very good and smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn
> >> fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the
> >> middle......."
> >>
> >>
> >> The old woman fainted.
> >>
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Old 18th August 2005, 23:36   #380
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One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened
to
your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door
was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked
down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a
while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my
alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at
the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to
youuuuuu.....?"


"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
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Old 19th August 2005, 12:53   #381
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Default Work v/s Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.
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Old 19th August 2005, 13:52   #382
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In prison: you get uninvited man love
at work: its called sucking upto your boss
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Old 19th August 2005, 13:58   #383
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.

"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I`m not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."

"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that`s really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
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Old 19th August 2005, 19:56   #384
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Lightbulb The puzzle

> Once there was a bus conductor, who was very rude to
his
> passengers. One day a beautiful young girl, of
around 18
> years,tried to board the bus, but he didn't stop the
bus.
> Unfortunately the beautiful young girl came under
the bus and died
> on the spot. Angry passengers took the conductor to
the police
> station, who in turn took him to the court.
> The judge was not at all impressed with him and gave
him capital
> punishment.He was taken to the electrocution
chamber. There was a
> single chair in the center of the room and a single
banana peel at
> one corner of the room. The conductor was strapped
to the chair
> and high voltage current was given to him. But to
everyone's
> amazement, he survived. The judge decided to set him
free, and he
> returned to his profession.
>
> After a few months, this time, a good looking middle
aged woman
> tried to board the bus but the conductor didn't stop
the bus.
> Unfortunately, this time also,the good looking
middle aged woman
> came under the bus and died on the spot. Again angry
passengers
> took him to the police station, who in turn took him
to the court.
> The judge took one look at the conductor and gave
him capital
> punishment. The Bus conductor was taken to the same
electrocution
> chamber where there was a single chair in the center
of the room
> and a single banana peel at one corner of the room.
He was
> strapped to the chair and high voltage current was
given to him.
> This time also to everyone's amazement, he survived.
The judge
> decided to set him free, and he returned to his
profession.
>
> A couple of months later, an elderly gentleman tried
to board the
> bus.
> This time the Bus conductor, remembering his earlier
experiences,
> stopped the bus. Unfortunately the elderly gentleman
slipped and
> died due to his injuries. The conductor was taken to
the police
> station and then to the court, to the same judge.
Though he hadn't
> done anything wrong, but considering his past record
the judge
> decided to set an example and gave him capital
punishment. The Bus
> conductor was again taken to the same electrocution
chamber where
> there was a single chair in the center of the room
and a single
> banana peel at one corner of the room. He was
strapped to the
> chair and high voltage current was given to him.
This time he died
> instantly !!!!!!!!!!!
>
> The question is why didn't he die on the first two
occasions, but
> died instantly the third time??
>
> Try to solve it yourselves. This is rather
interesting and answer
> is perfectly logical. If necessary read the puzzle
once again.
>
.>
>.
>.
> .Still you couldn't, Then see below.........
>...

> think hard
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
wanna know the answer????
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>>
>>
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

> Answer :
> During the first two times, the conductor was a Bad
Conductor,
> therefore electricity didn't pass through him. But
during the
> third
> time, he was a good conductor, electricity passed
through him
> freely and he died!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Ha Ha Ha ha !!!!!!!! Obviously you gotta revise your
science
> chapter on Electricity ???


Dikhave par mat jao apni akal lagao !
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Old 19th August 2005, 19:58   #385
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Wink Bihar Driving License

Bihar Driving License...
=================================================
DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------------------------------------------------------ -----


NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.

For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_)
Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: _______________________

10. Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: ! 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________________________

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy
thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use
your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on
lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS
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Old 19th August 2005, 20:00   #386
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Red face God and Man

A man was praying to God.

He said, "God!?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead," God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "a million years to me is only a second."

"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million
dollars worth to you?"

God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."

So the man said, "God. can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
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Old 22nd August 2005, 19:09   #387
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Talking Sipho with Condom

>There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row.
>
>
>The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
>
>
>1. To be shot
>
>
>
>
>
>2. To be hung
>
>
>
>
>
>3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
>
>
>
>
>
>So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead
>instantly.
>
>
>Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
>
>
>Then it was SIPHO'S' turn, and he said, "Giva me some of dat AIDS
>stuff." They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing. The
>guards
>looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then
>SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did.
>Now
>he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled
>over.
>
>
>Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" Then SIPHO replied,
>"Eish wena, jo guys ar so stupid. I am wearing da condom."
>
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Old 22nd August 2005, 19:19   #388
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*** is a SIPHO?
........
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Old 22nd August 2005, 19:33   #389
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This Fuel saving device has got to be the best yet!!

GTO
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Old 23rd August 2005, 11:37   #390
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Two idiots drive to a gas station in a remote district for a
fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by
the patrons of the station to anybody who purchases a full
tank of gas. When they go inside to pay, the man asks the
attendant about the contest.

The attendant says, "If you win, you're entitled to free sex,"
and the man asks how he can enter the contest. The attendant
explains, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you
guess it right you win free sex."

So the idiot fills up and asks to play the contest and says,
"I Guess 7."

"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replies the attendant.

The next week, the two return to the same gas station to get
gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asks the
attendant if the contest is still going on. "Sure," replies
the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you
guess right, you win free sex."

"2," says the idiot.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replies the attendant. "Come
back soon and try again."

As the two idiots are walking back to the car, one idiot says
to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest
is rigged."

"No way," says the other idiot, "My wife won TWICE last week!!"
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