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Old 23rd November 2009, 11:01   #3886
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Default A SMS joke

A priest and santa were sitting together in a flight.
When drinks were served,santa ordered rum.
Flight attendant asks priest whether he would like a drink.

Priest retorts:I would rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.

santa also returns his drink saying:Me too,I didn't know we had a choice..!
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Old 26th November 2009, 16:21   #3887
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Talking Message To All employees: from IT

When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording.
When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 login passwords.
When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.
Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When we do something as a favor in our own time at our own expense, feel free to criticize us.
That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge.
When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingy blew up".
When you call someone in to fix a problem - but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK - we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day.
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.
Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think - he has seen every problem before.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/software/network upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of their desk and stare at them until they hang up.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap." We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT Support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
When you think the network/e-mail/office application is going slow, call us as we have a button to press that makes it go back to it's normal speed.
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know about the problem.
The instant you call us (on our mobile) - we can see what's happening on your screen and can solve it instantaneously.
Be aware that IT people don't need to use the toilet. So you have a right to be upset if we don't answer the phone.
When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
When an IT person gets in the lift pushing ?100,000 worth of computer equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, "Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one floor?"
And finally, always remember.... we were sitting there waiting for your call.. The whole day!!!
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Old 27th November 2009, 15:43   #3888
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Post deleted. This is the fourth time we're seeing the same here.

Last edited by Rudra Sen : 28th November 2009 at 09:07.
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Old 28th November 2009, 04:10   #3889
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The It support one was awesome. I was one of the culprit who called the Tech support guy every once a while. Poor soul
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Old 28th November 2009, 04:46   #3890
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found this in my manual for a portable TV.

The Official Joke thread-dscn1105.jpg
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Old 28th November 2009, 11:29   #3891
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I have read thru this thread. I think these were not posted already. Sorry if already posted and if you find any joke offensive.

==============
A guy was bragging that he had 4 kids, 1 more and he would have a basketball team.
Another guy says i got 8 kids, 1 more and he would have a football team.
Then a guy say that's nothing, I got seventeenwives, one more and I'll have a golf coarse.

==============
Men are like......Parking spots.
The good ones are taken

==============
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed themfor ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, henotices that none of the pigs are gettingpregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tellsthe farmer that he should try artificialinsemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea whatthis means but, not wanting to display hisignorance, he only asks the vet how he will knowwhen the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him thatthey will stop standing around and will, instead,lay down and wallow in the mud when they arepregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it somethought. He comes to the conclusion thatartificial insemination means he has toimpregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives themout into the woods, has sex with them all, bringsthem back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakesand looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they areall still standing around, he concludes that thefirst try didn't take, and loads them in the truckagain. He drives them out to the woods, does eachpig twice for good measure, brings them back andgoes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find thepigs still just standing around. One more try, hetells himself, and proceeds to load them up anddrive them out to the woods. He spends all dayshagging the pigs and, upon returning home, fallslistlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himselffrom the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wifeto look out and tell him if the pigs are laying inthe mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truckand one of them's honking the horn."

================
One day, after a man had his annualphysical, the doctor came out and said,"You had a great checkup. Is thereanything that you'd like to talk aboutor ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking aboutgetting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have youtalked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

==================
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrotshe notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports,religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I waslooking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market formaimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A'swon, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in andshut the door."
The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissedher right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Well, maybe, but then he fondledher breasts."
The guy says "He did??"
The parrot says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligeedown and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-onand fell off my perch."

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:43.
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Old 28th November 2009, 11:39   #3892
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Pls excuse, Some maybe offensive...

====================
A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. Onthe table was an upside down pot and a duck tapdancing on it. The circus owner was so impressedthat he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for$10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I puthim on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

=========================
Two men were walking down the street. One guy says to the other guy, you have any money I'mthirsty? his partner says "no, all i have is a quarter". So he says let me have it I'll be rightback. I got a plan. 5 minute later he come back with a stick of salami. I thought you said youwere thirsty? Yeah, this is the plan. We go intothe bar, drink all we want, and when the bartender ask us to pay, I'll whip the salamiout my pants, you get on your knees and startsucking it. then the bartender will throw us outand we don"t have to pay! so they go to the bar,drink $40 of beer. bartender says that be $40. He whipped out the salami and his friend starts sucking it. the bartender says "get the hell outof my bar you perverts". So they got away withoutpaying. seeing how sucessful they were, they hit about 4 more bars. so they're both drunk and decided to call a night and on the way home, oneguy says "I'm hungry you mind if get a piece ofthat salami?" his partner says to him "There's none left, man I ate that thing after we left that second bar"

========================
Little Jonny gets home from school on day, bargesthrough the door and shouts "Mommy! Mommy! I had sex with my teacher." "Oh Jonny! That's disgusting! Go to your room and wait until yourfather has a word with you."
Three hours later, Jonny's father comes through the door. He doesn't seem unhappy, but pleasantlysurprised. His father has a beaming look on his face. "Son, I heard what you did today and well,I'm damn proud of you son. When I was your age, I ****ed my teacher crazy, and let me tell ya, she was a real hottie. Because you have ****ed your teacher, I decided to buy you that two thousand dollar bike that you wanted. Why don'tyou come down to the garage and I'll show you your new bike," the father prompted. "By the way, don't tell your mother about this."
They go down to the garage, and sure enough, there was a beautiful new bike. "Dad," the boyshouts "I don't know what to say. I thought youwere going to be pissed at me. How can I ever thank you?" Son, all you have to do is show mehow much you enjoy it. Now go on and ride it forme."
"Dad, thanks a lot," said the boy, "but do you think I can do this tomorrow, my *** is stillsore!"

=====================
A young man agreed to take a new job as atraveling salesman but was concerned about what todo with his wife. She enjoyed sex way too much tosit around and wait for him for weeks at a time.
Desperate, he went into a sex shop looking for avibrator that would keep his wife pleasured. Whenhe could find none that meet with his wife'sstandards he cautiously approached the front deskand told the little old man standing there of hissituation.
The little old man thought about this for a minuteand finally he pulled out a wooden box and insideit was a little wooden dick.
"This will bring your wife enormous pleasure. Whenyou want it to work just say 'voodoo dick-sex' andwhen you want it to stop you simply say 'voodoodick-back to your box.'"
The salesman bought the voodoo dick and presentedit too his wife before he left town. A few dayswent by and the wife was getting lonely so shedecided to use the voodoo dick. It was the bestsex she had ever experienced and in fact climaxedsix times. In her excitement she forgot thecommand to get the voodoo dick to stop. She triedeverything and to no avail. Finally she got in hercar and headed for the emergency room when she gotpulled over by a police officer for speeding.
He asked her what was wrong and she told him,"I've got this voodoo dick and it won't stop..."Then he replied, "Oh, voodoo dick my ***...."

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:42.
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Old 28th November 2009, 12:06   #3893
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Why is it that when you're driving and looking foran address, you turn down the radio?
=========================

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,why do they have locks on the doors?

=========================
Q. What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God doesn't think he's an lawyer.


=========================
4 guys telling stories in a bar; 1 guy leaves togo to the restroom, 3 guys are left. First guy says, "I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washingcars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership.In fact, he's so successful that he just gave hisbest friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
Second guy says, "I was worried about my son toobecause he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break, they made hima commissioned salesman, and he eventually boughtthe real estate firm. In fact, HE's so successfulthat he just gave his best friend a new house forhis birthday.
Third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son startedout sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well He got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1 million instock for his birthday."
Fourth guy comes back from the rest room. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just bought him a newMercedes, a new House and $1 Million in stock for his birthday."

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:42.
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Old 30th November 2009, 11:51   #3894
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There's a blond standing on each side of a huge,flowing river. One blonde yells across to theother, "How do I get to the other side?"
The second blonde yells back, "You ARE on theother side!"

============================
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospitaldonation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood.They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here todonate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment andthey chatted some more before going theirseparate ways.
Several months later, the same man and womanmeet again at the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed)"Unh unh."

=======================
This couple hit the nearest motel for somefrolicking. They get into the room and the womangoes immediately to the bathroom to primp. The mantakes his clothes off and sits on the bed toremove his socks. "Damn," he says, "my feet stinkterribly." He takes his socks off and throws themon the floor near the bathroom door. "When shecomes in from the bathroom, I'll grab her realquick and give her a big kiss and maybe she won'tnotice how bad my feet smell."
The lady meanwhile discovers that her breathsmells terrible so she retrieves her toothbrushand toothpaste from her purse. She brushed herteeth but that didn't help. She brushes her teeth5 times more to no avail. Finally she says, "I'lljust turn out the lights, run over to the bed,jump in, and tell him I have a big surprise forhim. Maybe then he won't notice my bad breath."
She leaves the bath, hits the lights, jumps intobed and says, "Hey, have I got a surprise foryou."
He says, "Let me guess...you ate my socks!"

=======================
A gang of bikies walk into a bar, and order a fewdrinks each. After 10 minutes or so, one of themnotices a small man, approximatly in his 30's,slightly over weight and balding. He whispers tothe others, and they all start to walk slowly overto the table at which he is sitting. Finding himvulnerable and defenseless, they begin to teasehim. Some poke him with their forks, others diptheir cigarettes into his coffee, all whilelaughing at him. The small man says nothinghowever, he simply gets up and walks out the doorof the bar.
One member of the bikie gang, watches all of thiswith amusement, and says to one of the girlsbehind the counter,
"He wasn't much of guy was he!"...
She paused for a moment, while looking out thewindow of the bar. Finally she responded,
"Nah, not much of a driver either, he just backedover 8 motorbikes in his semi-trailer"

===================
An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Deviltold the lawyer, 'I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you willmake embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents in law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.'
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, thenasked, 'So, what's the catch?'

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:41. Reason: formatting
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Old 30th November 2009, 11:56   #3895
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A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all -money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!'
'What happened?' asked the friend.
'My wife found out...'

================
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work

==================
There was a married couple who were in a terribleaccident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested thatno one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She lookedmore beautiful than she ever did before! All herfriends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! Thereis no way I could ever repay you!!!
He replied, 'Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plentythanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!'

====================
Things you would never know without the movies:
The more a man and a woman hate each other, themore likely they will fall in love...
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets whichreach up to the armpit level on a woman but onlyto waist level on the man lying beside her.
The ventilation system of any building is theperfect hiding place. No-one will ever think oflooking for you in there and you can travel toany other part of the building you want withoutdifficulty...
When confronted by an evil internationalterrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your bestweapons...
Honest and hardworking policemen are traditionallygunned down three days before their retirement...
Having a job of any kind will make a father forgethis son's eighth birthday.
Kitchens don't have light switches. At night, openthe fridge door and use that light instead...
When staying in a haunted house, women shouldinvestigate any strange noises in their mostrevealing underwear...
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should alwaysbe investigated more closely...
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit boltupright and pant...
A cough is usually the sign of a terminalillness...
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaperclippings, especially if any of their familyor friends have died in a strange boatingaccident...
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible tobecome a world expert in Nuclear Fission atage 23.

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:40. Reason: formatting
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Old 2nd December 2009, 11:03   #3896
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If you put the federal government in charge of theSahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage ofsand.- Milton Friedman.

===============================
There was a magic mirror. If you told it the truth, it would grant you a wish. If you lied toit, it would vaporize you on the spot. One day abrunette walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful womanin the world." Poof! She disappeared.
A little while later a redhead walked up to the mirror, looked in it and said, "I think I'm themost beautiful woman in the world." Poof! She disappeared.
Later, a blond walked up to the mirror, looked init and said, "I think..." Poof!!

===========================
In a newspaper ad for a used car dealer:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

=======================
A local business was looking for officehelp. They put a sign in the window,stating the following: "Help Wanted.Must be able to type, must be good witha computer and must be bilingual. Weare an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trottedup to the window, saw the sign and wentinside. He looked at the receptionistand wagged his tail, then walked overto the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist gotthe office manager. The office managerlooked at the dog and was surprised, tosay the least. However, the dog lookeddetermined, so he lead him into theoffice. Inside, the dog jumped up onthe chair and stared at the manager.The manager said "I can't hire you.The sign says you have to be able totype." The dog jumped down, went tothe typewriter and proceeded to typeout a perfect letter. He took outthe page and trotted over to themanager and gave it to him, then jumpedback on the chair. The manager wasstunned, but then told the dog "the signsays you have to be good with acomputer."
The dog jumped down again and went tothe computer. The dog proceeded toenter and execute a perfect program,that worked flawlessly the first time.By this time the manager was totallydumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realizethat you are a very intelligent dog andhave some interesting abilities.However, I *still* can't give you thejob." The dog jumped down and went to acopy of the sign and put his paw on thesentences that told about being an EqualOpportunity Employer. The manager said"yes, but the sign *also* says that youhave to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly andsaid "Meow".
====================
The pope was on a trip to California. He got a very sporty pope-mobile for this trip. He beggedthe chauffer to let him drive. Finnally the chauffer gave in and let the pope drive. Of course, the pope went crazy and was going too fast. Finally he ran a stop light and was pulledover by a policeman. The cop called his stationto ask them what to do because he just pulled over somebody very, very important. His sargent asked who, our mayor, a movie star, or what?? Thecop replied, " Well I'm not sure who, but he mustbe really important because the pope is his chauffer!!"

====================
3 guys went to an interview for a job at the CIA,the first one was 25 years old, the second was 35 years old, the third guy was 45 years old andthey all had to bring their wives.
So the first one went in and the CIA agent said as a test of loyalty he had to go into the roomhis wife was in and shoot her with the CIA agentsgun, so he takes the gun and goes and about a minute later he comes in and explains how much heloves her so he leaves.
The second one came in and was asked to do the same thing, so he takes the gun and about 15 minutes later comes in and explains how she isthe mother of his children and he can't do it.
Then the last guy comes in and was asked to do the same thing, so he goes and a few seconds later the CIA agent hears a BANG!! and after thathe hears windows breaking and a whole bunch of raquet. So he goes to the room and kicks the doordown and there is the man standing there with hisdead wife at his feet and the CIA agent yells what have you done. The man says, SOME FREAK PUTBLANKS IN THE GUN SO I HAD TO CHOKE HER TO DEATH!!

Last edited by bblost : 4th December 2009 at 15:39. Reason: formatting
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Old 2nd December 2009, 12:51   #3897
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A man is driving down the rode and a hail storm starts. So after the storm he decides she'll take his car to the body shop for some repairs. He walks up to the mechanic and says "Sir, I have all these dents in my car. How much costto get them out?". The mechanic quotes anamount, finding it expensive he asks if there any other cheaper method to get the dents out.The pissed off mechanic says"Well just for you I have this special remedy. Cup your hands around the tailpipe, blow really hard, and the dents will come out." So he goes home and goes outside to try it. His neighbor comes over and says "What are you doing?" He says "Well, the mechanic down the road said that if I cup my hands around the tailpipe and blow really hard the dents will pop out." The neighbor said, "You idiot the windows are rolled down."

=====================
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous."You have no arms!""No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down the many flights of stairs to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name", the bishop sadly replied,"but his face rings a bell..."

======================
A guy receives a free ticket to a 20-20 cricket match from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the upper corner of the stadium; he's closer to the Flood lights than the field. About halfway through the first innings he sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows from the field, right on the square leg. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down he ask the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" Theman says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at cricket match and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was suppose to come with my wife,but she passed away. This is the first cricket match we haven't been together at, since we got married. Well, "Thats really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?' "No," the man replies, "They're all at thefuneral."

====================
There was this male engineer, on a cruiseship in the Caribbean for the first time.It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

The man found himself, he knew not how,swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. Noperson, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship?No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or atleast seen in 4 months. She was tall,tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving and yelling and screaming to gether attention. She rowed her boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, "Where did youcome from? How did you get here"? She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank" "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived.How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you?" "It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then," said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a tree"."But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?""Oh, no problem," replied the woman,"on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired It to acertain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree,there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?""No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied, "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?"Trying to hide his continued amazement,the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me,have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship.""Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor up stairs in the cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs

"You look great," said the woman, "Ithink I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." So she did. And, the man continued to sip his PinaColada. After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her."Tell me.. Do you happen to have an Internet connection?"

Last edited by Dippy : 9th December 2009 at 17:45. Reason: formatting
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Old 3rd December 2009, 19:25   #3898
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Archish View Post
"Yes there is," the man
replied, as he moved closer to the woman
while fixing a winsome gaze upon her.
"Tell me.. Do you happen to have an
Internet connection?"
That was really funny. I was watching sehwag bat but I was laughing so much that I couldnt watch the highlights
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Old 4th December 2009, 08:35   #3899
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Default Top 10 Tiger jokes and a bonus one

Top 10 Tiger Woods Jokes


One:

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Two:

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards

Three:

Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

Four:

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Five:

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldnít decide between a wood and an iron.

Six:

Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Seven:

This is the first time Tigerís ever failed to drive 300 yards

Eight:

Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave heís ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Nine:

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

Ten:

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife



Bonus Joke :

Tiger woods wife said she'll forgive him only in one condition... He changed his name from tiger to cheeta

Last edited by kpbhatt : 4th December 2009 at 08:39.
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Old 4th December 2009, 10:19   #3900
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hilarious stuff, kp, you've made my morning
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