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Old 24th August 2005, 18:43   #391
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Talking

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be :

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14 . a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

&. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate




WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes


IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


53. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :

1 . Leave him in peace
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Old 24th August 2005, 18:44   #392
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Talking

Laloo Prasad Yadav talks to his son .

Laloo : I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I want to choose my own bride".

Laloo : "But the girl is Ambani's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case......Yes"

Next Laloo approaches Mukesh Ambani

Laloo : "I have a husband for your daughter."

Ambani : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Laloo : "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Ambani : "Ah, in that case.....Yes"

Finally Laloo goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Laloo : "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President :"But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Laloo : "But this young man is Ambani's son-in-law."

President : "Ah, in that case........Yes."

This is how business is done The Laloo Way
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:00   #393
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A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
Tech: What's the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.
10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an
undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
Let me know how it goes.
10 minutes later.
User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User: MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.
1 hour later.
User: I need a new power supply.
Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:12   #394
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Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make, and she will not nag you.

She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!

She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a while and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history......................
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:13   #395
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male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial blanket bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his **** in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,


"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......






A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:15   #396
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who's intelligent - girls or boys

One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heared from her mother that if she will do a
regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine

"Devi" will come to her dreams & give her 3 boons(Varadaan). So she decided
to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer regularly.

Now it was a day for "Devi" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in
her mind to ask.

And, really a "Devi" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue
between them.

Devi: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very
very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask
anything you like, but there is one condition.

Gi Condition!, what is that?

Devi: You have a boy-friend?

Gi Yes.

Devi: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also
sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didnt know anything about boon and
all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he
will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed
for the 1st boon.

Gi (After thinking for some time ... ): Yes, I am ready.

Gi 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.

Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.

Gi It's OK.

Devi: Be as you wish!

Gi 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in
the world.


Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome
boy in the world.

Gi It's OK.

Devi: Be as you wish.

Devi: Now the last boon remains.

Gi O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.

Devi: What? Are you sure!

Gi Yes. Very sure!

Devi: Be as you wish.

Think friends, what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe
heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl
became the world's most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more
intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!

Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of the mail
.....

******

******


******

******


******

******


******

******


******

******


******

******


Dear boys,
dont worry, actually what done is something different than what you all
think!

Actually, the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than
that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being
world's richest and the most handsome boy.

Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much
intelligent than what we believe them to be. So dont worry if you think
that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:17   #397
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Call Centre - Computer Tech Support

Call centre jobs: people wonder why they r paid so much.............for just being on the phone. Take a look:

*
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."


*
Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


*
Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."


*
Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$



*
Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"



*
Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."



*
Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"



*
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."



*
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."


*
Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."


*
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."


*
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."



*
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"



*
Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."



*
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"



*
Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:19   #398
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Windows a Virus?
Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay,
Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system
is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup,
Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact
and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.

So Windows is not a virus.
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:20   #399
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Harley Davidson and GOD.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of that supermodel called "Woman"?" God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm," replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding My invention than yours."!!!!!!
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:22   #400
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Bush in primary school

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George Bush asks name of the boy.
"Bob" says the boy.

"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve" says the boy "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?

Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, where is Bob?"
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:23   #401
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This is funny but true.......

A jobless man applied for the position of "office -boy" at Microsoft. The HR Manager interviewed him, then a test : cleaning the floor. " U r engaged" he said, give me ur Email address & I'll send u the application to fill, as well as when u will start,
The man replied, " I don't have a computer, nither an E-mail." I'm sorry, said the HR Manager, if u don't have an e-mail, which means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist can not have a job.
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only 10US $ in his pocket. He then deiceded to go to a suppermarket & buy 10 Kg tomato crate.
He sold the tomatoes door to door round. In less than 2Hrs he succeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, & returned home with 60US $. Than the man realized that he can survive this way, & started to go earlier & return late.
Thus his money doubled trippled everyday. Shortly later bought a cart, then a truck & then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles, 5 years later, the man was one of the bigest food retailer in US. He started to plan his family's futuer, & decided tohave life insurance. He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the broker asked the man his e-mail. The man replied " I don't have an e-mail." The broker answered curiously."U don't have an e-mail, & yet u have succeeded to build an empire. Can u imagine what could have been if u had an e-mail?"

The man thought for a while & replied, " yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:23   #402
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DirtY truck drivers!

One night, the cop was making his routine night patrol. As he pulls up the main street, he finds two trucks parked in the middle of the road with the lights on and the doors wide open.

He decides to go and investigate. As he climbs up into the first truck he sees that itís empty. He thinks to himself..."Maybe they're in the other truck conferring over a map." So he takes a look in the second truck and sees it's empty also.

As he's walking back to the patrol car to call for a tow truck, he hears sounds coming from underneath one of the trucks. He shines his light and sees two truck drivers, Roshan on his knees and Munna kneeling behind him going at it.

The inspector says "Hey! You can't do that here in the middle of the road. It's illegal!"

Munna says, "You don't understand. My friend was having a heart attack."

The inspector replies, "That's not what you do for a heart attack. You're supposed to give mouth to mouth rescucitation!"

To that Munna says, "I did! Thatís how it's started!"
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Old 24th August 2005, 22:24   #403
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Santa was standing at the Ludhiana railway station with his wife,
Jeeeto,
and son. His son wanted to check his weight and he took a coin from
Santa
and stood on the machine. Unfortunately, he could not reach the
slot meant
for inserting the coin. Suddenly our Santa got a brilliant idea.
He lifted lifted his son and helped him insert the coin.
All the three were wondering what made the kid weightless even on
EARTH!!

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final
examination. He
takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question
paper for
five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off
and
throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and
throws it away
as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit.

The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on.
"Oye, I
am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here,
'Answer the following questions in brief'.".

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A SARDARJI BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: Why did the sardarji stare at frozen orange juice can for 2
hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````Q:

How do you keep a sardarji busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: Why can't sardarjis make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: How did the sardarji try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed !!!

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: What do you call a sardarji in an institution of higher
learning?
A: A visitor.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: Why did the sardarji take his typewriter to the doctor ??
A: He thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Q: A sardarji ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut
it in six
or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

sardarji #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
sardarji #2: "No, who wrote it?"

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

What about the sardarji wife who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

sardarji: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
MAN: "It's 3:15."
sardarji: (puzzled look on his face) "You know, it's the wierdest
thing, I
have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a
different
answer."

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

A sardarji was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a
sign
that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said
to himself
"oh well !" and turned around and drove home.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````
``````````````````````

Then there were two sardars, Zail singh & Jarnail singh.
Both of them bought a horse each.

"How will we know which
is your & which is mine?" asked Zail.

"Easy"replied Jarnail.
"I'll cut mine's tail,yours will be the one with tail"

This was heard by a few boys ,they cut the other's tail too.

Next morning the confusion continued.
"Don't worry "retorted Jarnail.
"I'll tie a bell around its neck, yours will be the one without
the bell."

The boys heard this also & cut the bell.

The next day, Zail got frustrated & said

"Okay now the last criterion,
white will be yours & black will be mine."
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Old 25th August 2005, 16:26   #404
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this must be one of the best F.O.A.K
- Spice Jet advert on the Indian Railways Online Booking Site !!!!

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Old 26th August 2005, 11:40   #405
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

"All the men on this floor are short and plain."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

"All the men here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads:

"All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:

"All the men here are tall and handsome."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads:

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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