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Old 26th August 2005, 11:41   #406
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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton ***** and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
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Old 26th August 2005, 11:48   #407
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A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from

Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would
like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar , tired, just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and

rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5,

and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't
know the answer, you pay me $5,

and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment,

agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet,
pulls out a $5 bill and

hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs
and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches
all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches
the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and
hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the
Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands
the American $5,

and goes back to sleep!
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Old 26th August 2005, 11:50   #408
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Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say ?Happy Birthday,? and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say ?Good Morning,? let alone any ?Happy Birthday.?
I thought, ?Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.?

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, ?Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.? So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, ?You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.? I said, ?By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.?

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, ?You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?? I said, ?No, I guess not.? She said, ?Let's go to my apartment.? After arriving at her apartment she said, ?Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.?

?Sure,? I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.




All were singing ?Happy Birthday? and




there on the couch I sat...





naked.


And that is why I fired my secretary!
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Old 26th August 2005, 11:53   #409
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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she`s heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip, or vacation?"

She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I`m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Mumbai."

He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she`s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What`s your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that Negro men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it`s the Tamilian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the Bengali. However, we have found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Sardarji."

Suddenly, the woman becomes a little uncomfortable and blushes. "I`m sorry," she says, "I shouldn`t be discussing this with you. I don`t even know your name!"

"C. Venkatraman!" the man says, "C. Venkatraman Mukherjee! ... But my friends call me Santa Singh!"
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Old 27th August 2005, 15:42   #410
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One night a guy took his girlfriend home.
As they were about to wish each other good night
at the front door, the guy started feeling a
little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand
against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey,
would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents
will see us!"

"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He
asked grinning at her.

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all
sleeping!".

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" .

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"



"Oh yes you can. Please?" .....................

"No, no. I just can't"

"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on,
and the girl's older sister showed up in her
pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice
she said,

"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can
do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down
herself and do it,

but for God's sake and ours....
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL !
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Old 27th August 2005, 15:46   #411
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Default Do you know your staff?

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the
wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him,
How much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked
such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a
month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000.00 cash
And gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for
working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary,
now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few
onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,"And that applies for
everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked
him, "Who 's the young man that I just fired ?" To which an amazing reply
came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir!"
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Old 28th August 2005, 10:42   #412
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One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of
serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened
to
your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my
bedroom.

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door
was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked
down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing
himself.
I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The
doctor said, "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible.
What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a
while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my
alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting
dressed at
the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients
do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to
youuuuuu.....?"


"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"
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Old 28th August 2005, 11:27   #413
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heard that one before Gordon, But it wasnt a kiss that he was asking for!!!
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Old 28th August 2005, 12:55   #414
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Default Difference between bikes

Once I asked an elderly biker, whats the difference between bikes like Harley, BMW, etc and he replied as follows:

The Harley is like your grandmother. You respect her for her traditions. You visit her once in a while and not very often. You like to see her well dressed. If she falls sick in between, you dont get pissed. She is adored and you dont expect her to perform like a teenager etc atc.

The BMW is like your good maid. She is always dependable. You can throw all kinds of chores at her and she will do it with the least of compaints. Works long hours without high maintenance etc etc

The Ducati is like your mistress. She must be sexy, fast and aggresive. You want others to admire her curves and other vital--- etc etc

The Triumph is like your wife. Whether you like it or not, you need one!!!
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Old 28th August 2005, 15:44   #415
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President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

No, " said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."


"I'm afraid not, " explained the president. "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand...

In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right.

And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well, " says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either
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Old 28th August 2005, 15:49   #416
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 Application Form for Lok Sabha Election .........................
> Application Form for
> Lok Sabha Election
> (To Be Filled For Contesting Lok Sabha Election)
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 1.Name of Candidate: _______________________
> 2.Present Address:
> (i.)Name of Jail: _______________________
> (ii.)Cell Number: _______________________
> 3.Political Party: _______________________ *List ONLY the Last Five
> partiesin Chronological (Order)
> 4.Sex: [ ]
> A- Male
> B- Female
> C- Mayawati
> D- Uma Bharathi
> 5.Nationality: [ ]
> A- Italian
> B- Indian
> 6.Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
> A- Defected
> B- Expelled
> C- Bought out
> D- None of above
> E- All of above
> 7.Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
> A- T! o make money
> B- To escape court trial
> C- To grossly misuse power
> D- To serve the public
> E- I have no clue
> (Ifyou choose 'D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized
> GovernmentPsychiatrist)
> 8.How many years of public service experience do you possess?
> A- 1-2 yrs
> B- 2-6yrs
> C- 6-15yrs
> D- 15+yrs
> 9.Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Useas many
> AdditionalSheets as you want)
> 10.How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]
> (Donot confuse with question 8)
> A- 1-2 years
> B- 2-6 years
> C- 6-15 years
> D- 15+years
> 11.Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
> A- Why not
> B- Of Course
> C- Definitely
> D- I deny it all
> E- I see a foreign hand.
> 12.What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
> A- 100-500 Crores
> B- 500-1000 Crores
> C- Overflow...
> (Convertall your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees) > 13.Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind?
> []
> A- No
> B- No
> C- No
> D- No
> 14.Describe your achievements in space provided:
> [_________]
> Issued in public interest by
> Election Commission of India,
> India.
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Old 29th August 2005, 00:09   #417
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Driving Styles



One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to INDIA !!


Rev

Last edited by revtech : 29th August 2005 at 00:15.
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Old 30th August 2005, 10:22   #418
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a
single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
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Old 30th August 2005, 12:17   #419
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Just got this today. If anybody has seen the same in this thread, please pm me to delete this post.



Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Application such as PokerNight 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to Run my favorite application. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User


REPLY:

Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem about which men are complaining. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warning-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.
I suggest installing the background Application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software argumentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be of very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstance, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Old 30th August 2005, 16:18   #420
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Default I am sure you will like it..........if u r not a boss.

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said,

"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

"And what does that one do?" the man asked. The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!!!"
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