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Old 2nd August 2010, 00:31   #4261
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19
year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing butReebok running shoes and
a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.
as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Old 2nd August 2010, 18:27   #4262
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Default Financial management???

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

Last edited by 2500cc : 2nd August 2010 at 18:28. Reason: font issue
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Old 2nd August 2010, 20:22   #4263
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2500cc View Post
A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.
How? The other beggar asked.
First beggar: Some one gave me a Rs 100/- note yesterday.
I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/-,
And enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.
The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.
I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.
Tempting idea...lol
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Old 3rd August 2010, 16:42   #4264
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If Columbus had a Girl friend,

He might have never discovered America because:::::

GF: Where are you going?
When are you going?
When'll you be back?
With whom?
How are you going?
To discover what?
Why only you?
What should I do when you are gone?
Who all are going with you?
Can I come with you?
Where'll you stay?
Where'll you eat?
You will not forget me?
You miss me naa?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Columbus: LE MERI MAA NAHIN JATA......



--------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Obama went to school to interact with children. After a brief talk he asked if they have any questions. One boy raised his hand.

Obama: What's your name?
Boy: John.

Obama: What's your question?
John: Sir, I have three questions,
1. Why did America attack Iraq without approval of UN?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why does America support Pakistan so much?

Obama: You are an intelligent student John,
(just then the recess bell rang)
Obama: Oh students we will continue after the recess is over.

After the recess.

Obama: Ok children, where were we? So anybody wants to ask a question?
Peter raises hand.

Obama: What's your name?
Peter: Sir, I am peter and I have 5 questions.
1. Why did America attack Iraq without approval of UN?
2. Where is Osama?
3. Why does America support Pakistan so much?
4. Why did recess bell rang 20 minutes before the time?
5. Where is John?


Last edited by Rehaan : 27th August 2010 at 15:21. Reason: 1) 3 smileys used - 2 per post max please. 2) Please search the thread before posting, these jokes have been posted before.
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Old 3rd August 2010, 22:36   #4265
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Came in Email. I am not sure if it was really printed in European Daily.

But very hilarious.

Hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.

Driving in India For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows:

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?
The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or, just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwaters to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Lest I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??
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Old 3rd August 2010, 22:53   #4266
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AWESOME !

Quote:
Originally Posted by SirAlec View Post

Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??
I suppose, if that's true, that would be because Indian drivers don't trust other Indian drivers to follow the rules. Here, even if you have a green light, you'll be wary of anyone jumping the signal, and hence drive slow. In the west, you can feel secure in going at 80 km/h on an intersection when the light is green, and when a fool decides to jump a signal, well, let's not speak ill of the dead.

Disclaimer : Don't take this seriously. Seriously.
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Old 4th August 2010, 02:01   #4267
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SirAlec View Post
Came in Email. I am not sure if it was really printed in European Daily.

But very hilarious.

Hilarious article was written by an Expert from Baan, Netherlands who spent two years in Hyderabad.
Can SirAlec be condored?

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/1294155-post20.html

This has been posted in a different thread though.
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Old 4th August 2010, 07:59   #4268
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Quote:
Passiontodrive : If Columbus had a Girl friend,

He might have never discovered America because:::::

.
Columbus: LE MERI MAA NAHIN JATA......



--------------------------------------------------------------------------

President Obama went to school to interact with children. After a brief talk he asked if they have any questions. One boy raised his hand.

5. Where is John?
@passiontodrive :

Columbus was a determined guy ,, but looks like he underestimated his GF. Also, we know the wars are now being continued by Obama too ..

Why ? Pls check these links :

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/1498147-post3830.html
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/779656-post2657.html
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/263174-post1371.html

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/166886-post836.html
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/71170-post201.html
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Old 4th August 2010, 09:39   #4269
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Default Raavan & Pappu

Got this from a fowarded mail from my collegue...

-----------------------------------------------------

Once pappu started praying Ravan and after one year Ravan was very happy with the bakthi of pappu.

Then ravan deceided to give 3 Vardans to pappu.

Ravan: Say vatsa! what do you wnat?
Pappu: I want 100 vardans
Ravan: But i can give you only 3 vardans
Pappu: But i want 100 vardans
Ravan : No child..i can give you only 3 vardans
Pappu : No i want 100 means 100
Ravan : No i can give you only 3 if you want take or else i am going
Pappu: Ok ! what 3 i will ask you will give me definitely?
Ravan: Sure It's a promise from Raksash Raj Ravan
Pappu : 1st vardan , Convert you "GADA" in your shoulder in to a bamboo stick.
Ravan:"Ththastu" and his "GADA" turned in to a stick
Pappu : 2nd vardan, Put your stick deep inside you A$$..deep inside!!
Ravan: (confused)...but in a great pain puts it inside...and asks pappu for his 3rd vardan
Pappu:Now you are gonna give me the rest 97vardans or should i turn that stick back to "GADA"??

Moral of the story: Managment will not yeild to your simple request until you give pain in their A$$

Think on it!!
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Old 4th August 2010, 12:21   #4270
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zteg View Post
Best way to say good bye.

Attachment 390693

Dedicated in memories of the VTU pass-outs
Isn't that one of our members Mclaren1985 ? I remember seeing this picture somewhere.
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Old 5th August 2010, 21:03   #4271
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A wealthy business man was waiting for his limo to pick him from his hotel. The hotel staff came back and said that his regular driver is indisposed and they've made alternate arrangements, so there's a 10 minute delay.
In 10 minutes there was a swanky limo outside and as the business man was escorted to the limo, the manager put in a word to him that the driver is driving the limo first time and he's a little hard of hearing as well.
The businessman had to take his flight, so he said, what the hell and got in.

He was very surprised at the impeccable driving skills of the driver. Remarkable for a first timer on a limo he thought. So as he was nearing the airport, he wanted to appraise the driver and appreciate his driving.
He called out a couple of times and then he realised that the driver is a little hard of hearing.
So he lowered the glass separating him and the driver's cabin and tapped on the drivers shoulder.
Immediately the driver panicked and almost drove in to a tree.
The businessman was confounded and told him that he just wanted to appreciate this guy for driving excellent though being a first timer and also disabled at that and didn't intend to frighten the driver.
The driver was sweating profusely and said, don't ever do that again. This is the first time anyone tapped me on my shoulder when I drive. I might be first timer in a limo, but before this I drove a hearse van for 35 years!
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Old 6th August 2010, 00:15   #4272
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Default Diesel Engine

A different type of diesel engine. One you would have never seen before.

The Official Joke thread-zpxwo.jpg
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Old 6th August 2010, 15:52   #4273
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MX6 View Post
A wealthy business man was waiting for his limo to pick him from his hotel. The hotel staff came back and said that his regular driver is indisposed and they've made alternate arrangements, so there's a 10 minute delay.
In 10 minutes there was a swanky limo outside and as the business man was escorted to the limo, the manager put in a word to him that the driver is driving the limo first time and he's a little hard of hearing as well.
The businessman had to take his flight, so he said, what the hell and got in.

He was very surprised at the impeccable driving skills of the driver. Remarkable for a first timer on a limo he thought. So as he was nearing the airport, he wanted to appraise the driver and appreciate his driving.
He called out a couple of times and then he realised that the driver is a little hard of hearing.
So he lowered the glass separating him and the driver's cabin and tapped on the drivers shoulder.
Immediately the driver panicked and almost drove in to a tree.
The businessman was confounded and told him that he just wanted to appreciate this guy for driving excellent though being a first timer and also disabled at that and didn't intend to frighten the driver.
The driver was sweating profusely and said, don't ever do that again. This is the first time anyone tapped me on my shoulder when I drive. I might be first timer in a limo, but before this I drove a hearse van for 35 years!
Be prepared to get "CONDORED"
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Old 6th August 2010, 18:12   #4274
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whitesquall View Post
Be prepared to get "CONDORED"
Uh Oh. I searched all around for Hearse in T-BHP and didn't find any.
Any idea where you read this before? Link to the thread would be helpful.

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Old 6th August 2010, 18:16   #4275
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MX6 View Post
Uh Oh. I searched all around for Hearse in T-BHP and didn't find any.
Any idea where you read this before? Link to the thread would be helpful.
Here you go bro . Searched for "Dead Driver Taxi" as there are different versions around

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifti...tml#post250220 (The Official Joke thread)

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifti...tml#post120530 (The Official Joke thread)

Last edited by sammyboy : 6th August 2010 at 18:19.
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