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Old 30th August 2005, 16:19   #421
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Regular naps prevent old age...
especially if you take them while driving.

================================================== =

Having one child makes you a parent; having two you
are a referee.

================================================== ==

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right and
the
other is husband !

================================================== ==

I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried - but they wanted cash

=================================================

A child's greatest period of growth is the month
after you've
purchased
new school uniforms.

================================================== =

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

================================================

True friends stab you in the front

================================================== =

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting
before you get
tired

================================================

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to
others.

================================================

Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

================================================

A successful marriage requires falling in love many
times, always
with
the same person.

================================================

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions
between address
books.

================================================

Wise men talk because they have something to say;
fools talk because they have to say something
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Old 30th August 2005, 16:49   #422
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Talking Beans

> One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
> apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
> beans.
>
> Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
> from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
> told him that I would be late because I had to walk home.
>
> On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was
> more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would
> walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at
> the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of
> baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the
> gas.
>
> Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed
> delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
>
> He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I
> took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the
> telephone rang.
>
> He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and
> went to answer the call.
>
> The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
> pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
> the room seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
> one go.
>
> It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running
> over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap
> and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other
> cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked
> cabbage.
>
> Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room,
> I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was
> indescribable.
>
> When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my
> freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin,
> placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very
> relieved and pleased with myself.
>
> My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband
> returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked
> through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
>
> At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests
> seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
>
> I fainted.
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Old 30th August 2005, 16:52   #423
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Thumbs up R U A Psychopath

Read this question, come up with an answer, and then scroll down to the
> bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
> A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man whom she did
> not
> know. She thought this man was amazing, the man of her dreams, so much so
> that she fell in love with him right there but never asked for his number
> and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
> Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
> (Give this some thought before you answer.)
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> Answer:
> She was hoping that the man would appear at the funeral again. If you
> answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a
> famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same
> mentality as a killer.
>
> Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the
> question
> correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly good for you. If
you
>
> got the answer correct, please let me know
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Old 30th August 2005, 17:11   #424
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Default Indecent

> > GIRL: forgive me baba I have sinned

> > PRIEST: What have you done my child?

> > GIRL: I called a man a son of a b!@#$

> > PRIEST: Why did you call him a son of a b@#$%

> > GIRL: Because he touched my hand.

> > PRIEST: Like this? as he touched her hand)

> > GIRL: Yes father

> > PRIEST: That's no reason to call a man a son of a b@#$%

> > GIRL: Then he touched my breast.

> > PRIEST: Like this? as he touched her breast)

> > GIRL: Yes father.

> > PRIEST: That's no reason to call him a son of b@#$%$ <

> > GIRL: Then he took off my clothes.

> > PRIEST: Like this? he takes her clothes off)

> > GIRL: Yes father.

> > PRIEST: That's no reason to call him son of b@#$%.

> > GIRL: Then he stuck his "YOU KNOW WHAT" into my "you know

>where.

> > PRIEST: Like this?" as he stuck his ----! into her ----!

> > GIRL: YES FATHER,YEES FATHER,YEES FAAAATHER!!

> > PRIEST: After a few minutes) That's no reason to call him a son

>of a b@#$%.

> > GIRL: But father he had aids!

> > PRIEST: OH HOLY S#!T THAT SON OF A B@#$
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Old 30th August 2005, 17:14   #425
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Default Mugabe In Heaven

Mugabe dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he does not belong in heaven.
Mugabe must go to hell.
So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says “No problem, I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.

Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, “My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we’re already getting refugees!”
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Old 30th August 2005, 17:17   #426
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Default Fancy Dress

FANCY DRESS


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress
party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg,



so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.


A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


"Dear Sir,


Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as
a pirate."


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint


A week passes and he received another parcel and note:


"Dear Sir,


Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you
will really look the part".


The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from
emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.


Sooo he writes a really rude letter of complaint.


A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the
accompanying letter:


"Dear Sir,


Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.


Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg
up your @rse and go as a f@cking toffee apple"
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Old 30th August 2005, 22:31   #427
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Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"
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Old 30th August 2005, 22:33   #428
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The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the 'other man.'

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The 'other man' was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent the following reply:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office's auditorium.
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Old 30th August 2005, 22:33   #429
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Two eskimos, a big one and a little one, go to their local Alaskan convent with a question. The big one nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, knock on the door, knock on the door.”

The Mother Superior answers the door. Again, the big eskimo nudges the little one and says, “Go ahead, ask her the question, ask her the question.”

The little eskimo timidly says, “May we speak with the midget nun that lives here please?”

The Mother Superior answers, “There are no midget nuns living here.”

The big eskimo starts nudging the little one again and says, “Go ahead, ask her the other question, ask her the other question.”

The little eskimo asks in a quavering voice, “Well. Are there any midget nuns in Alaska?”

The Mother Superior responds uncertainly, “Why no, I don’t believe so.”

With this the big eskimo falls down and rolls on the ground, clutching his belly as he laughs uncontrollably. “See”, he says to the little eskimo, “I told you you ****ed a penguin!”
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Old 30th August 2005, 22:34   #430
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The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which a Clever Guest stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Computer's microphone.

"Where is my father?" he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words: Fishing off Goa.

Clever Guest laughed.

"Actually", he said, "My father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Goa."
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Old 1st September 2005, 19:50   #431
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Wanna puncture a person's happiness after he's been promoted in the job...???

Just tell him " Finally ----------------------- Pappu Pass ho gaya "

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Old 2nd September 2005, 13:19   #432
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7 reasons not to mess with children.

****************************

A little gi was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little gi stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little gi
said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little gi replied, "Then you ask him".

****************************************

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The gi replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the gi replied, "They will in a
minute."

****************************************

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
****************************************

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"

****************************************

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

****************************************

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted,

"Cause your feet aint
empty."


****************************************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching"

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Old 3rd September 2005, 09:18   #433
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Strange truths about your boss and you...

1. When you take a long time, you're slow. When your
boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss
doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your
boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4. When doing something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority. When your boss does the
same thing, that's initiative.

5. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're
being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's
being original.

7. When you please your boss, you're ass creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being
co-operative.

8. When you're out of the office, you're wandering
around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on
business.

9. When you have one too many drinks at a social,
you're a drunken bum. When your boss does the same, he
appreciated the women there.

10. When you take a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very
ill.

11. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an
interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's
because he's overworked.
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Old 5th September 2005, 22:32   #434
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an

urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's

home

phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, is your

mommy

there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the

bossasked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss

asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fi reman", came the whispered

answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a

helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is

that

noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just

landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the

boss

asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME..."
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Old 6th September 2005, 15:00   #435
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2% or 98% ...can you figure it out? Are you the 2% or 98% of the
population? Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time
and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of
them.
* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something).










Think of a number from 1 to 10























Multiply that number by 9




















If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

















Now subtract 5


















Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you
ended up with
(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

















Think of a country that starts with that letter

















Remember the last letter of the name of that country



















Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter




















Remember the last letter in the name of that animal





















Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter















































Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?




I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the
population whose minds are different enough to think of something else.
98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this
exercise. Keep this message going. This one is actually worth
sending on to others. Forward it to people you know so they can find out
if they are usual or unusual.
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