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Old 17th October 2010, 21:28   #4396
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Originally Posted by BaCkSeAtDrIVeR View Post
McLaren, hope you mean the "Did you mean ...." link!!!
Yep. A search engine with a sense of humour
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Old 18th October 2010, 07:30   #4397
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This came to me as a forward.
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WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

--------------------------------------------------------------------

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

---o0o---

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

---o0o---

From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

---o0o---

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

----o0o---

"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

---o0o---

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

---o0o---

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

---o0o---

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

---o0o---

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline. He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

---o0o---

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

---o0o---

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

---o0o---

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

---o0o---

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
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Old 18th October 2010, 09:42   #4398
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Wow!! That is some sense of humor there!

Southwest is known in the US for their sense of humor.

* My prof was flying the first time on southwest and he is a frequent flyer. He goes upto the lady at the desk and asks
Prof: "Can i get an upgrade to first class"
Lady: "Honey, On this flight every seat is First Class"

*The commercials of Bags Fly free on Southwest are hilarious to say the least. Check you tube for some videos

*Finally found a video of the southwest rapper. Have a look
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Old 18th October 2010, 16:24   #4399
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must be a helluva bumpy airline when half the jokes are about how bumpy it is! j/k

Quote:
Originally Posted by MileCruncher View Post
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
Note from Team-BHP Support: Please DO NOT quote large post, pictures and videos. It inconveniences our mobile and low bandwidth users. Thanks for your understanding

Last edited by mobike008 : 19th October 2010 at 12:54.
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Old 18th October 2010, 20:56   #4400
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maddy42 View Post
Wow!! That is some sense of humor there!

Southwest is known in the US for their sense of humor.

* My prof was flying the first time on southwest and he is a frequent flyer. He goes upto the lady at the desk and asks
Prof: "Can i get an upgrade to first class"
Lady: "Honey, On this flight every seat is First Class"

*The commercials of Bags Fly free on Southwest are hilarious to say the least. Check you tube for some videos

*Finally found a video of the southwest rapper. Have a look
Perfect!! That guy deserves a raise, eh?

Last edited by FlyingSpur : 18th October 2010 at 23:26. Reason: Please avoid quoting videos from the original post. Thanks.
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Old 18th October 2010, 20:56   #4401
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Fantastic advertising for a real airline. Thought that was a real joke at first, but google proves / shows that it is a rean one.

See:-

snopes.com: Kulula - Flying 101

https://www.kulula.com/info/aircraft...o-gallery.aspx

Edot:-

And I was thinking that Branson and his Virgin arline was the most colourful operatior in the skies!!!

Last edited by BaCkSeAtDrIVeR : 18th October 2010 at 21:05.
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Old 19th October 2010, 09:21   #4402
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was it rajnikanth who ate the missing bite from the apple in the logo???
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Old 19th October 2010, 11:17   #4403
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Originally Posted by vikrantj View Post
was it rajnikanth who ate the missing bite from the apple in the logo???

Possible. That is why sales of both are inversely proportional to popularity (leave out iPhone for a moment.)
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Old 19th October 2010, 12:52   #4404
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SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of brew, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
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Old 19th October 2010, 13:38   #4405
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^^^

It was posted here and here

Get ready to be... ahem... condored
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Old 19th October 2010, 14:02   #4406
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Quote:
Originally Posted by silversteed View Post
^^^

It was posted here and here

Get ready to be... ahem... condored
One day i will condor the Condor!

Here's another one:

Ungrateful wife

As a family we are Apple fans.

I bought my daughter am iPod, my mom an iPhone, myself an iPad and my wife an iRon.
She has not spoken to me since then. What an ungrateful woman !!
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Old 19th October 2010, 14:14   #4407
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-------------------------
No More Shopping at Target
-------------------------
My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

Dear Mrs............,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here". One of the clerks passed out.
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Old 19th October 2010, 14:48   #4408
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13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!"
I've witnessed something similar. I took my sister to a cloth store, and she was trying out something in the fitting room. One of the salesmen of the otherwise empty store, sat on a cloth rack, behind the hangers, such that only his legs were seen outside. He took a nap it seems. My sister came out of the trial room to show me the new attire, but before she could say something, she noticed the salesman's legs sticking out. And she almost screamed. I was just in time to tell her that the salesman is taking a nap there

Seeing her expression, the salesgirl who was attending to her burst out laughing, and soon the other guy woke up. For some time, we all were
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Old 19th October 2010, 14:54   #4409
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Bapu, Kool_kid beat you to it. It was / is /used to be a santa banta joke.

http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/shifti...tml#post905773 (The Official Joke thread)
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Old 19th October 2010, 15:35   #4410
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@Bapu,
Awesome man... ROFL
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