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Old 4th February 2011, 20:49   #4666
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by deky View Post
If this is a joke, too bad. But if its not, all you IT guys, what are you waiting for??
This one is for me. Nice one.
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Old 5th February 2011, 00:12   #4667
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Originally Posted by Scorcher View Post
Aston Martin Vantage Review anyone?
YouTube - How to Drive Aston Martin Car in Oman: Wilbur Sargunaraj
That was quite funny!
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Old 5th February 2011, 07:28   #4668
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Aston Martin Vantage Review anyone?
Would be great to see him on Topgear alongside Hammond, Slow and Clarkson!!
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Old 5th February 2011, 16:21   #4669
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

Hey Scorcher, thanks for the review of the Austin Martin with 400 horses power! It was hilarious.

Note from Support: Please do not quote a video. Makes for an unfriendly experience for our mobile users.

Last edited by Eddy : 5th February 2011 at 18:57. Reason: Note Inline
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Old 9th February 2011, 10:26   #4670
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

Warning: Do not read if your colleagues look at you funny when you lagh uncontrollably for no apparent reason.


I never dreamed that slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect; I was on Buffalo Valley Rd. - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I met an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.

It was a squirrel and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close! I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle; but a squirrel should pose no danger to me.

I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Harley-Davidson Street Glide with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened; and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular. He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans, this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Picture a man on a huge pearl white and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel.

And losing...

I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there.

It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!

Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands; and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Harley can only have one result.

Torque.

This is what a Harley-Davidson is made for; and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared, and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Harley screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in - well, I just plain screamed.

Now picture a man on a huge pearl white and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back.

The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.

With the sudden acceleration, I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike.

This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices; but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle. My brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big Harley engine.

About this time, the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death); and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Harley was maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment); so her front end started to drop.

Now, picture a man on a huge pearl white and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now, the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.

Finally, I got the upper hand. I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked - sort of.

Spectacularly sort of ...so to speak.

Picture a new scene. You are a Putnam County Deputy. You and your reserve officer have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly, a man on a huge pearl white and chrome Harley, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your patrol car.

I heard screams.

They weren't mine.

I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy Highway 56. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really. Except for two things.

First, the deputies did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The reserve deputy from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The deputy who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a shotgun at his own patrol car.

So, the deputies were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway.

That was one thing. The other?

Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car, but it was all his.

I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right off of Buffalo Valley Rd., onto Hwy 56 and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
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Old 9th February 2011, 11:42   #4671
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by vivekiny2k View Post
Warning: Do not read if your colleagues look at you funny when you lagh uncontrollably for no apparent reason.....

......I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right off of Buffalo Valley Rd., onto Hwy 56 and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids.
I'm sorry but what's the funny part ? I googled and found a lot of people who found it very funny, but isn't it just a story of a man who had a fight with a squirrel and then somehow got rid of it, and saw the squirrel attacking a patrol car, and decided to escape ?
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Old 9th February 2011, 11:59   #4672
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by anku94 View Post
I'm sorry but what's the funny part ? I googled and found a lot of people who found it very funny, but isn't it just a story of a man who had a fight with a squirrel and then somehow got rid of it, and saw the squirrel attacking a patrol car, and decided to escape ?
You sound like a movie description on IMDB.

Its like the diesel engined tugboat.
Starts slow, but when it moves, you can move a QE2 out of the way.
It kinda started as low chuckle, and by the time he gets to the band aids,I literally had to clamp my teeth to stop laughing.

Thanks dude, already fwd'ed to my list!!
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Old 9th February 2011, 12:03   #4673
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by shankar.balan View Post
OK here goes a series of first class PUNS. Shared with me by a friend. I am sure anyone who likes the English language will love these.

Puns for Educated Minds
...

This was brilliant !

One more from my side - an original one:
Literates call the new phenomenon of text messaging as "essay mess".

Last edited by Zappo : 10th February 2011 at 00:32. Reason: Please avoid quoting an entire post, particularly when just a part of it sets the reference as well.
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Old 9th February 2011, 12:13   #4674
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by anku94 View Post
I'm sorry but what's the funny part ? I googled and found a lot of people who found it very funny, but isn't it just a story of a man who had a fight with a squirrel and then somehow got rid of it, and saw the squirrel attacking a patrol car, and decided to escape ?
I agree. I found it like a small story with the protagonist having the last laugh (not literally though). Guess it was a joke for finding mention on the joke thread!
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Old 9th February 2011, 13:40   #4675
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by vivekiny2k View Post
Warning: Do not read if your colleagues look at you funny when you lagh uncontrollably for no apparent reason.

That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car, but it was all his.
that was too much to take Vivek. I already have nervous and baffled eyes, staring at me.
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Old 9th February 2011, 14:11   #4676
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Default Re: The Official Joke thread

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Originally Posted by vivekiny2k View Post
Warning: Do not read if your colleagues look at you funny when you lagh uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
Hilarius.. collegues must be wondering whats going on.
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Old 9th February 2011, 16:28   #4677
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Excellent write up!!!

At the same time, It was not funny at all! but gripping and it was more like an action thriller!
Man! I would have surely hit a tree and would find myself lying on the road fighting with my helmet (squirrel indirectly) and crying out loud for help!
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Old 10th February 2011, 10:58   #4678
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Smile Re: The Official Joke thread

Ever seen 20 magnificient tigers at one location. If not see the attached file.

Attached Files
File Type: docx 20 maginifient tigers.docx (67.0 KB, 493 views)
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Old 10th February 2011, 11:22   #4679
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Is this file safe for work?
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Old 10th February 2011, 11:43   #4680
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Is this file safe for work?
quite.
i see where you might have gone with the description, though.
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