Go Back   Team-BHP > Around the Corner > Shifting gears


Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 13th November 2005, 12:50   #616
Senior - BHPian
 
revtech's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Bombay
Posts: 1,987
Thanked: 35 Times
Default

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife:

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."


Rev
revtech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2005, 15:23   #617
Distinguished - BHPian
 
jkdas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Thiruvananthapu
Posts: 9,642
Thanked: 1,352 Times
Default Humor from Great Minds

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children.
Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen



If you never want to see a man again, say, 'I love you, I want to marry you. I want to have children...' - they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams



I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?
Benny Hill

Last edited by jkdas : 13th November 2005 at 15:26.
jkdas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2005, 19:44   #618
BHPian
 
nishant_kingpin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New Delhi
Posts: 333
Thanked: 0 Times
Default

You know Lallo is the Railway minishter :-) ************************************************** ***************************
10 Golden Rules of New Railways ministry under Lalloo...
...some spellings modified from "English (Australia)" to "Angrejji (Bihaari Ishtyle)"
1. Railbhays bhill bhe legalised bihaar ishtyle - travel without tickit throughout India.
2. No seat reserbhations - "you may purchase a berth - that does not mean the seat belaaangs to you"
3. Ticket Inspectors no longer needed - Laathi rules!
4. No more lights on Indian Railways - bring your own food, bedding and LANTERN
5. Kachcha and Banyaan washing & drying on train limited to 2 per passenger above Phipteen years of aze (only striped kachcha and "holed-banyaan" allowed)
6. Standing at the door whilst train is in mosan ("motion") prohibitted - limited to Bhindows only
7. Indian Railbhays reserves rights to share seat with others (depending on which Mela is currently on)
8. Due to nature of the dhanda and managment ishtyle, anticipated destination is not guaranteed
9. Spitting of Paan prohibitted OUTSIDE the train, restricted indoors
10. Any good looking luggage subject to conphiscation phor security reasons
and ekestra rule phor good luck:
11. Phor guaranteed train space (sitting or standing), minimum fees of Rs 500/- applies to ticket ophicers (receipting has been decomissioned to save resources)
nishant_kingpin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2005, 23:52   #619
BHPian
 
nishant_kingpin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New Delhi
Posts: 333
Thanked: 0 Times
Talking

In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharatakatha to a class. he is at the krishnajanma' part of it. so let himcontinue instead of me...

Masterji : to bachcho, so kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8thchild is goin to kill him. he was furious.he ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.first son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning second one is born and kansa throws him off the mountain peakthird one is born....now Ramu who is smartest of the lot puts up his handmasterji (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji : Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata n how come u have one?

Ramu: masterji, if kansa knew that devaki's 8th child was goin to kill him,why the hell did he put vasudev and devaki in the same cell?? :
nishant_kingpin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th November 2005, 23:59   #620
Distinguished - BHPian
 
jkdas's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Thiruvananthapu
Posts: 9,642
Thanked: 1,352 Times
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nishant_kingpin
In some remote village of India, one masterji is teaching the Mahabharatakatha to a class. he is at the krishnajanma' part of it. so let himcontinue instead of me...

Masterji : to bachcho, so kansa heard the akashwani that his sister's 8thchild is goin to kill him. he was furious.he ordered to put vasudev n devki behind the bars.first son is born, and kansa kills him by poisoning second one is born and kansa throws him off the mountain peakthird one is born....now Ramu who is smartest of the lot puts up his handmasterji (sounding nervous n confused)

Masterji : Ramu bete, whole India does not have doubt in Mahabharata n how come u have one?

Ramu: masterji, if kansa knew that devaki's 8th child was goin to kill him,why the hell did he put vasudev and devaki in the same cell?? :
damn it. why didnt he think so!
jkdas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 14th November 2005, 00:09   #621
BHPian
 
nishant_kingpin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: New Delhi
Posts: 333
Thanked: 0 Times
Default

Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, " Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved." All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted "Long live Japan" and jumped into the sea.

Then a Israeli jew stepped forward said "Hellulaja" and dived into the sea.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Sardarji came forward.

Near the railing and chanted, " Jo bole-so-nihal, sat sri akaal, wahe guruji da khalsa,

wahe guruji di fateh, Jai maa Kali, Jai maa Durga, Jai Hanuman, jai

Sri Ram, Jai siva-sankar, Jai babananak di, Jai jawan jai kissan "... and finally yelled at the top of his voice,

"Bharat mata ki jai", And Kicked the pakistani standing next to him in the sea!!!
nishant_kingpin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2005, 12:23   #622
Senior - BHPian
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: N.A
Posts: 6,822
Thanked: 1,447 Times
Default Angels

Hehehe I just got this by SMS today - must share:

Teacher: What do you call a woman in Heaven?

Johnny: An Angel.



Teacher: Good. What do you call a group of women in Heaven?

Johnny: A host of Angels.


Johnny: What do you call ALL women in Heaven?

Teacher: Duh!

Johnny: Peace on Earth!
Steeroid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2005, 13:03   #623
BHPian
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: BANGALORE
Posts: 42
Thanked: 0 Times
Default

[font=Verdana][size=2]The naughty, Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "

But Dad, it was not my fault.

We were all in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt.

I reached over and pulled it out.

That`s when she hit me!" "Johnny,"

the father said. "You don`t do those kind of things to women."

The very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!" "But Dad," Johnny said, "It was not my fault.

There we were in church saying our prayers.

We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt.

Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

Now I know she doesn`t like this, so I pushed it back in!"
[/size][/font]
cooljun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2005, 13:04   #624
BHPian
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: BANGALORE
Posts: 42
Thanked: 0 Times
Default

[font=Verdana][size=2]T[font=Verdana][size=2]eacher was retiring[/size][/font][/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2][color=#00ffff]
[/color]
[font=Verdana][size=2]A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child
decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A
little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought
her a box full of fine chocolates.

A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet
of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer
brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking
from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"

She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,
"I bet this is some wine!"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"

The little boy said, "Nope!"

She said, "Well what is it?"

The little boy said, "A puppy!"[/size][/font] [/size][/font]
cooljun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2005, 13:06   #625
BHPian
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: BANGALORE
Posts: 42
Thanked: 0 Times
Default

[font=Verdana][size=2]THE JUDGE SHOWS HIS CLASS
[/size][/font]

[font=Verdana][size=2]
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady was brought before [/size][/font][font=Verdana][size=2] the Judge to answer for a ticket given to her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honour that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of
her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the Judge's eyes. "You're a school teacher, eh?" he said. "Madam, I shall
realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court. Now sit down at that table and write 'I will
not drive through red lights' 500 times!"[/size][/font]
cooljun is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 15th November 2005, 15:57   #626
BHPian
 
AvinashKeezh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Bangalore
Posts: 230
Thanked: 9 Times
Post

Little Ruth was very naughty and doing pretty badly at school. Whatever effort his parents or his teachers gave, it just would not make him any better. Out of desperation, his aunt suggested that he be put in a convent. Much against all in his community(Jew) folks opinion, pop went and put him in a convent. The first day after school, Ruth came back a completly different person. He went to his room and started studying. For dinner, he came and without much tantrums finished his dinner and went back to study. The parents were really surprised with this huge change in Ruth's behaviour. They went to his school and enquired with his teachers. But they were quite ignorant of any mischevious acts and said nobody has even raised their voice to Ruth.
This same pattern on Ruth's behaviour kept going on till his exams results rolled out. And surprisingly he was first in class.
Now mom and pop were really scared. They didn't know what to do, so they thought they would talk to Ruth.
Initially, Ruth said nothing, but after some coaxing, he said "I saw what they had done to him". Refering to "Christ" on the cross.
AvinashKeezh is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2005, 02:32   #627
Senior - BHPian
 
revtech's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Bombay
Posts: 1,987
Thanked: 35 Times
Default

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well", he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated ***** and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ******* and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well", he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland *******s and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well", he explained,"by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."


Rev
revtech is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 16th November 2005, 12:23   #628
BHPian
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: PHX...Chennai
Posts: 38
Thanked: 2 Times
Default

Big Mike's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot.

There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to death or two, we have s*x."

Big Mike bends over for the bear. He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Big Mike heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him.

At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices. Either I maul you to death or we have s*x." Big Mike bends over
once again.

He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and, he's outraged. He heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range.

Sure enough, there's a tap on his shoulder.

He turns around to find an enormous polar bear. The polar bear looks at Big Mike with a puzzled look and says,

"You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"
VtecDeGr8 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 17th November 2005, 03:41   #629
Senior - BHPian
 
Deeps's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Delhi/Noida
Posts: 1,087
Thanked: 63 Times
Default

Revtech, that was great.
Deeps is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th November 2005, 19:17   #630
Senior - BHPian
 
revtech's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Bombay
Posts: 1,987
Thanked: 35 Times
Default

A college student needed a small two-hour course to
fill his schedule and the only one available was
wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held. The professor passed
out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.

In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a
bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from
their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier
every minute.

Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom
and threw the test on the teacher's desk.

"This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said:

"Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your
name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his
legs and said:

"You tell me..."


Rev
revtech is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Time for a Holiday Joke? Steeroid Shifting gears 9 24th December 2005 20:51
A Nelson joke Dippy Shifting gears 6 8th September 2004 23:12


All times are GMT +5.5. The time now is 04:10.

Copyright 2000 - 2017, Team-BHP.com
Proudly powered by E2E Networks