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Old 20th November 2005, 01:22   #631
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Quote:
Originally Posted by revtech
A college student needed a small two-hour course to
fill his schedule and the only one available was
wildlife Zoology. .................................................. .................................................. ..........................

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his
legs and said:

"You tell me..."


Rev
he he he he this was amazing

Last edited by ajmat : 20th November 2005 at 08:03.
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:11   #632
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TWA flight 713 was flying around the edge of Hurricane Andrew and experiencing extreme turbulence. The plane finally flew out of the storm and the pilot came on the intercom.

“Ladies and Gentelmen this is the captain speaking. We apologize for the rough ride but I assure you that is all there is and we expect a smooth ride all the way to our destination, Miami. Thank you for flying TWA and we hope that you enjoy the rest of the flight.”

Having finished his address to the passengers, the captain unfortunatly forgot to switch off the intercom button. So he was overheard by the entire plane, he remarked to the co-pilot, “Jesus, that was the worst turbulence I’ve experienced in a long time. I sure could use a strong cup of coffee and a Blow Job right now”

Horrified, the stewardess ran up to the cockpit to warn the captain of his mistake. Just before she got there a passenger called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!!!”
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:12   #633
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How To Interpret Employment Ads

“Join Our Fast Paced Company” - We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere” - We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

“Must be Deadline Oriented” - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required” - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

“Duties will Vary” - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience” - You will need to replace three people who just left.

“Problem Solving Skills a Must” - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven’t heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills” - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills” - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:12   #634
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A kleptomaniac woman had been caught shoplifting in a supermarket and had to appear in court, taking along her long-suffering husband for marital support.

The prosecution proved that the theft had taken place so the judge told her that, considering her record, he was forced to impose a jail term.

“This time you stole a can of tomatoes. Let us suppose that there were six tomatoes in the can. Do you agree?”

The woman agreed.

“Then I sentence you to six nights in jail.”

The husband jumped to his feet, addressing the judge, “Your honor, may I approach the bench?”

“Well,” said his honor, this is somewhat unusual but I will make an exception in this case. You may approach the bench.”

The husband wasted no time getting there and, leaning forward, he whispered, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:13   #635
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A man approached the minister at his church….”Reverend,” he said, “We have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing, not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?”

“I’ve noticed this and have an idea if you’re up to the task,” said the minister. “Take this hat pin with you. I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good Poke in the leg with the hat pin.

He agreed to the plan. In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said nodding to Mr. Jones.

“Jesus!” Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hat pin.

“Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!” came the minister’s quick reply.

Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband. Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning toward Mr. Jones.

“My God!” howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.

“Right again!” Bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face.

Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a real hard threatening glare. Before long, though, she again nodded off. This time however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hat pin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, “You stick that thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it where the sun don’t shine!”

“Amen!” replied all the women in the congregation.
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:15   #636
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There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied, “I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!”
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:16   #637
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Two Indians and a Tourist were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

“Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Tourist was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

“No,” said the Indian. “It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they call ‘Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!’ into the opening.

If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.”

Just then they saw another cave. the Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, “Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!”

Immediately,there was an answering “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” from deep inside the cave He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Tourist wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in, he was amazed at the size of the huge opening.

He was thinking, “Oh, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!”

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, “WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!”

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read…..
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NAKED TOURIST RUN OVER BY TRAIN
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:19   #638
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A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominantly on the center of the bed. It was addressed, “Dad”.

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

Dear Dad, It is with great sorrow that I am writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and mom. I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercings, tattoos, and tight motor-cycle clothes.

But it is not only passion I have found dad; shes pregnant and Joan said we would be happy. Even though you don’t care for her, as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and already has a stack of fire wood for the winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that is my dream too, now.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn’t hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it and trading it with her friends for the cocaine and ecstacy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science finds a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better, she sure deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I am 15 years old now and can take care of myself. Someday I’m sure we will be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,
John

P.S. Dad none of the above is true. I’m over at the neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that’s in my desk center drawer. I love you!! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:22   #639
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s really not so bad.”

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman’s husband Keith came home from work.





The bird looked at him and said, “Hi, Keith!”
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Old 20th November 2005, 20:34   #640
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man sitting in the pilot’s seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I’m going to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
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Old 21st November 2005, 15:26   #641
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thats was good dude u have one wicked imagination,hats off to ya......
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Old 21st November 2005, 18:13   #642
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Banta Singh plans for an abroad holiday and he plans to go to Thailand because he heard about the beaches and ladies in biknis there so just to get the feast of his life the only problem with Banta was that he was not very much into english but still he leaves for Thailand.

After reaching there... as expected he chose to enjoy sun on the beach so took a place on the sand and was lying there... few minutes later an English couple passed through the guy asked.. "Hello Mr. How are you.. are you Relaxing..??"

Banta replied, "I am not Relak Sing I am Banta Singh"

Making a puzzled face the english couple pass through... then comes along an american guy...

He asks Banta "Hey Turban Dude, howz you doing..?? You Relaxing..??"

Banta replies "No I am not Relak Singh I am Banta Singh"

Then comes an spanish Girl.. and asks the same question to Banta Singh... By now he getting really irritated... but being a lady and showing his Gesture he politely replies..
"I am not Relak Sing I am Banta Sing... Banta from Bhattinda.."

Getting furious he gets up and walks off to leave the beach while he sees Santa Singh lying on the Beach enjoyin sun and Sand... Banta walks up to him and asks.. "Are you Relak Singh..??"

Santa replies.. "Yes I am relaxing"

Banta gives him a real tight Slap and says... "Abey tu yahan pada hua hai... tujhey sab wahan dhoond rahey hain.."
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Old 21st November 2005, 18:15   #643
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NASA was interviewing professionals they were thinking of sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one-way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an American engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

“One million dollars,” the engineer answered. “And I want to donate it all to my alma mater–Rice University.”

The next applicant was a Russian doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

“Two millions dollars,” the doctor said. “I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was an Indian Politician. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asked.

The Indian Politician replied, “You give me three million, I’ll give you one million, I’ll keep a million, and we’ll send the American engineer.”
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Old 21st November 2005, 18:20   #644
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George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin.
He says to Bush “Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!”
“Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied President Bush.
“I do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it,” said Bush.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” said Putin. “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 2″ in diameter?” said Putin.
“No problem,” replied President Bush.
Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.
George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a condom company “I need a favor. Can you send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?”
“Consider it done,” replied the CEO of the condom company.
“Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 2″ in diameter.”
“You got it. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “Print ‘MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL on each one!!!”
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Old 21st November 2005, 18:24   #645
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One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. The river was deep and swift; he could not retrieve his axe, and he was too poor to buy a new one. Knowing that he was doomed to
poverty and starvation, he began to weep.

As he sobbed, God appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter told Him about his lost axe. God went down into the water and reappeared with a wonderful golden axe.

“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said, “No.”

God again went down and came up with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” God asked.

The woodcutter said, “No.”

God went down again and came up with the woodcutter’s old iron axe. “Is this your axe?” God asked.

The woodcutter said, “Yes.”

God was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happily.

One day the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank and his wife fell into the river and was swept away. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”

“My wife has fallen into water.”

God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.

“Is this your wife?” God asked.

“Yes,” the woodcutter said.

God was furious. “Once you were an honest man - but now you have become a liar and a cheat!!”

The man quickly said, “Forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I say ‘No’ to Jennifer Lopez, you will come up with Catherine Zeta Jones. If I also say ‘No’ to her, you will finally come up with my wife, and I will say ‘Yes.’ Then you will give all the three to me! I am a poor man. I will not be able to look after all the three. So, that’s why I had to say ‘Yes!’ “
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