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Old 14th January 2006, 01:42   #826
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Default This was quoted by Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalaam

Written by Dr. A.P.J Abdul Kalaam:-



THINK... THINK... THINK... ACT... ACT... ACT...



I was in Hyderabad giving this lecture, when a 14 year old girl asked me for my autograph. I asked her what her goal in life is.



She replied: I want to live in a developed India.



For her, you and I will have to build this developed India. You must proclaim. India is not an under-developed nation; it is a highly developed nation.



Do you have 10 minutes? Allow me to come back with a vengeance.



Got 10 minutes for your country? If yes, then read; otherwise, choice is yours.



YOU say that our government is inefficient.



YOU say that our laws are too old.



YOU say that the municipality does not pick up the garbage.



YOU say that the phones don't work; the railways are a joke,



The airline is the worst in the world, mails never reach their destination.



YOU say that our country has been fed to the dogs ! and is the absolute pits.



YOU say, say and say.



What do YOU do about it?



Take a person on his way to Singapore.



Give him a name...YOURS.



Give him a face...YOURS.



YOU walk out of the airport and you are at your International best.



- In Singapore you don't throw cigarette butts on the roads or eat in the stores.



- YOU are as proud of their Underground Links as they are.



- You pay $5 (approx. Rs.60) to drive through Orchard Road (equivalent of Ma him Causeway or Peder Road) between 5 PM and 8 PM.



- YOU comeback to the parking lot to punch your parking ticket if you have over-stayed, identity.



In Singapore you don't say anything, DO YOU?



- YOU wouldn't dare to eat in public during Ramadan, in Dubai.



- YOU would not dare to go out without your head covered in Jeddah.



- YOU would not dare to buy an employee of the telephone exchange in London at 10 pounds! (Rs.650) a month to, "see to it that my STD and ISD calls are billed to someone else."



- YOU would not dare to speed beyond 55 mph (88 km/h) in Washington and then tell the traffic cop, "Jaanta hai main kaun hoon (Do you know who I am?). I am so and so's son. Take your two bucks and get lost."



- YOU wouldn't chuck an empty coconut shell anywhere other than the garbage pail on the beaches in Australia and New Zealand.



Why don't YOU spit Paan on the streets of Tokyo?



Why don't YOU use examination jockeys or buy fake certificates in Boston?????



We are still talking of the same YOU.



YOU can respect and conform to a foreign system in other countries but cannot in your own. You throw papers and cigarettes on the road the moment you touch the Indian ground.



If you can be an involved and appreciative citizen in an alien country, why cannot you be the same here in India?



Once! in an interview, the famous Ex-municipal Commissioner of Bombay, Mr.

Tinaikar, had a point to make.



"Rich people's dogs are walked on the streets to leave their affluent droppings all over the place," he said. "And then the same people turn around to criticize and blame the authorities for inefficiency and dirty pavements. What do they expect the officers to do? Go down with a broom every time their dog feels the pressure in his bowels?



In America every dog owner has to clean up after his pet has done the job.

Same in Japan. Will the Indian citizen do that here?"



He's right.



We go to the polls to choose a government and after that forfeit all responsibility.



We sit back wanting to be pampered and expect the government to do everything for us whilst our contribution is totally negative. We expect the government to clean up but we are not going to stop chucking garbage all over the place ! nor are we going to stop to pick up a stray piece of paper and throw it in the bin.



We expect the railways to provide clean bathrooms but we are not going to learn the proper use of bathrooms.



We want Indian Airlines and Air India to provide the best of food and toiletries but we are not going to stop pilfering at the least opportunity.

This applies even to the staff that is known not to pass on the service to the public.



When it comes to burning social issues like those related to women, dowry, girl child and others, we make loud drawing room protestations and continue to do the reverse at home.



Our excuse?



"It's the whole system which has to change, how will it matter if I alone forego my son's rights to a dowry."



So who's going to change the system? What does a system consist of?

Very

conveniently for us it consists of our neighbours, other households, oth! er cities, other communities and the government.



But definitely not me and YOU.



When it comes to us actually making a positive contribution to the system we lock ourselves along with our families into a safe cocoon and look into the distance at countries far away and wait for a Mr. Clean to come along & work miracles for us with a majestic sweep of his hand or we leave the country and run away.



- Like lazy cowards hounded by our fears we run to America to bask in their glory and praise their system.



- When New York becomes insecure we run to England.



- When England experiences unemployment, we take the next flight out to the Gulf.



- When the Gulf is war struck, we demand to be rescued and brought home by the Indian government.



Everybody is out to abuse and rape the country.



Nobody thinks of feeding the system.



Our conscience is mortgaged to money.

Dear Indians, the article is highly thought inductive, calls for a great deal of introspection and pricks one's conscience too?..



I am echoing J.F. Kennedy's words to his fellow American to relate to Indians?.



"ASK WHAT WE CAN DO FOR INDIA AND DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE TO MAKE INDIA WHAT AMERICA AND OTHER WESTERN COUNTRIES ARE TODAY"



Let's do what India needs from us.



Forward this to every Indian for a change Thank You,
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Old 14th January 2006, 13:29   #827
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When Kanjibhai was a teacher he had the mysterious
habit of walking into the class each morning, removing
a tennis ball from his jacket pocket.

He would set it on the corner of the podium. After
giving the lecture for the day, he would once again
pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket
pocket, and leave the room.
No one ever understood why he did this, until one day.
. ..

A student fell asleep during Kanjibhai's class.
Kanjibhai never missed a word of his lecture while he
walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball
and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on
the top of the head.

The next day, Kanjibhai walked into the room, reached
into his jacket, removed a Cricket ball . . . ..


No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
term !
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Old 16th January 2006, 20:03   #828
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Quote:
Originally Posted by v1p3r
I'm not quite sure if you've realised, but we're not really in 2005 anymore. WAKE UP!!! (always wanted to use that smiley!)
Glad that because of me you could use the smiley...

Anyways, I posted it because, I became a member in 2005 and I felt that it was good enuf to be posted, even if it was a little late.....
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Old 17th January 2006, 02:35   #829
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Yeah, it's a nice one. But I did the whole thing twice, before reading the end line and slapping my forehead in disgust!!!
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Old 17th January 2006, 14:42   #830
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Default

Q In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level of the pond increases. How?


Think...........try it


No??? Cmon..


Can't answer..........scroll down
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A The other 9 fish are crying.................


************************************************** ****

A women goes in an Auto (rickshaw) and gets bald??? How???


Lets C' if you can solve this one.......


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Can't think...c'mon...
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Here goes the answer...
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Automatically ( AutoMeinTakli).....


************************************************** ****

Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari, RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari, RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ???




scroll down for answer. . . . . . . . . . . .
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. not getting, very simple yaar..
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coz, they all started clapping !!!!


just One More

What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?

...and the Answer is..........
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HASINA !



************************************************** ****



Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You
don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?






























Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER........using this LIGHTER you can light the other cigarette



Another deadly answer. scroll down a little




































Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can
light the cigarette


If that was not enough, one more deadly answer....
scroll down
























Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP TIP)

"TIP TIP barsa Pani.

Pani ne aag lagayee."

us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee".



************************************************** ****

A railway station beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?











"So, which platform are you working on?"




************************************************** ****

Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each other and want to get married, but cannot. Why?



































































Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.
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Old 17th January 2006, 18:42   #831
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Priest's Ass

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there

was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he

ended up buying a donkey (also called an ass) instead. He figured that since

he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his

surprise, the donkey came in third.

The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race

again, and this time it won. The paper read:

PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the

Priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the

donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The paper headline the next day read:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get

rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy

back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day
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Old 17th January 2006, 22:04   #832
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Talking Yeh Pyaas hai badi..

Pepsi outsourced...
You must have seen this someplace or on some website.
Mods, if this has been posted earlier, pl delete.
Also, this is the first time I am uploading images..so if anything is wrong, do rectify it...











--AS
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Old 18th January 2006, 00:00   #833
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Wink How to catch a lion.......some methods

>>How to catch a lion?????????
>>>>______________________________________________ ____________

>> Newton's Method:
>>
>>Let, the lion catch you.
>>
>>For every action there is equal and opposite
>>
>>reaction. Implies you caught lion.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Einstein Method:
>>
>>Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
>>
>>Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also
>>
>>run faster and will get tired soon. Now you can trap
>>
>>it easily.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Software Engineer Method:
>>
>>Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven
>>
>>that its a Lion. If anyone comes back with issues
>>
>>tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Indian Police Method:
>>
>>catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to
>>
>>accept that its a lion.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>>
>> Rajnikanth Method :
>>
>>Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack
>>
>>anytime. The lion will live in fear and die soon in
>>
>>fear itself.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Jayalalitha Method:
>>
>>Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and
>>
>>kill it, while it's sleeping !
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Manirathnam Method (director):
>>
>>Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the
>>
>>lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
>>
>>Keep murmuring something in its ears. The
>>
>>lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
>>
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Karan Johar Method (director):
>>
>>Send a lioness into the forest. Our lion and lioness
>>
>>fall in love with each othe! r. Send another lioness
>>
>>in to the forest, followed by another lion.
>>
>>First lion loves the first lioness and the second
>>
>>lion loves the 2nd lioness.
>>
>>But 2nd lioness loves both lions. Now send another
>>
>>lioness(third) into the forest. You don't understand
>>
>>right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then
>>
>>also u wont !
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Yash Chopra method (director):
>>
>>Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a
>>
>>good scenic location.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Govinda method:
>>
>>Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Menaka Gandhi method:
>>
>>save the lion from a danger and feed him with some
>>
>>vegetables continuously.
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> George bush method:
>>
>>Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
>>
>> Ravi Shastri method:
>>
>>Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 ***** and
>>
>>score 1 run
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
cheers,
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Old 18th January 2006, 00:30   #834
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinod
>>How to catch a lion????????? :..........................................
>>
>> Ravi Shastri method:
>>
>>Ask the lion to bowl at u. U bat for 200 ***** and
>>
>>score 1 run
>>________________________________________________ ___________________
cheers,
Another one..

Siddhu method:
Recite all lousy rhyme's - the lion will commit suicide...


NOte from Mod - Do not waste space and bytes quoting whole joke unneccessarily

Last edited by ajmat : 18th January 2006 at 10:47.
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Old 18th January 2006, 10:28   #835
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Smile

cool one especially this

Quote:
Originally Posted by vinod
>>
>> George bush method:
>>
>>Link the lion with osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Last edited by pratheesh : 18th January 2006 at 10:29.
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Old 18th January 2006, 17:15   #836
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Default Do you have a parrot at home??


Just read this on an online news channel

- By AFP

[SIZE=2]
London, Jan. 17: A talkative parrot is being blamed for the break-up of a couple’s relationship after squawking the name of the woman’s secret lover, British newspapers reported on Tuesday.
Ziggy prompted a confession from 25-year-old call centre worker Suzy Collins that she was having a four-month fling with a former colleague when the pet blurted out: "Gary, I love you."
The bird had previously said, "Hiya, Gary" when Ms Collins’ mobile phone rang and made kissing noises when the name was mentioned on radio or television but its owner, Mr Chris Taylor, from Leeds, northern England, laughed it off.
"We were watching telly when Ziggy blurted out, ‘I love you, Gary’ in Suzy’s voice. I started laughing but when I looked at Suzy, I could tell something was up. Her face was like beetroot and she started to cry. I felt sick to my stomach," he said. "She told me that she’d been seeing someone called Gary," he added.
_________________________
[/SIZE]
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Old 19th January 2006, 14:00   #837
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Lightbulb Laloo's Driver

One day Laloo was traveling by his car. He was going to a village for campaigning . Suddenly a piglet came before the car. The driver couldn't hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed in
the accident . At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset .

He called the driver and said ,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon . Usko dhundke mere pass lav ".

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots of money in his hands!!!

Laloo was surprised. He asked, "Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye, aur tum aise wapas aaye ho !!! baat kya hai?" At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident . Hearing it they were rejoiced , put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time and gave this money."

Laloo then asked him "Aap unko egjactly kaa bole?"

The driver replied :

"Main bola, MAIN Laloo Prasad Yadav KA DRIVER HOON, MAINE SUAAR KE BACHHE KO MAR DALA HAI.........."
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Old 19th January 2006, 14:03   #838
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Smile Sidhuism

Dont know if its a repeat....


Collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu

1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.

12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.

13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!

16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.

17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.

30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
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Old 19th January 2006, 14:14   #839
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Default George bush

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.
First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!
And fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!
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Old 19th January 2006, 14:39   #840
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BEER..STILL worth a Read...


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the
illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most
people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed.

Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery
and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this beer, they might
be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move
as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills
brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain
cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
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