There are no shortage for clubs in our office. There is ‘I own a DSLR’ club, ‘Run like your ass is on fire’ club, ‘Smoke the lungs black’ club, ‘Let’s go to the café club, Selfie club, Groupie club, ‘Already bought a Honda City’ club, ‘Soon to buy an Elite i20 in red’ club… the list just goes on. And there are also some dudes here with a craze for anything on wheels. Their concern for even a colleague’s car will put the respective owner to shame. And they take care of their rides like it’s their sole objective in life. Cholesterol, fatty liver or poor fitness won’t shake them. But a rattle or a small scratch on the car will make them pull their hair out in frustration and they cannot relax till it’s dealt with on priority.
Every once a while, our dudes will gather at ‘The Main Junction’ of the office and talk about cars. They will start slow, light and easy. But soon the banter will gather momentum and the talks will get animated, fast and loud. And every 90 seconds, a passerby or a rubberneck will try and join this conversation. But after listening in for a while, they will soon realize that it is almost impossible to contribute as the talks will start to go over the head resulting in him or her leaving the dudes at the Junction in a moment of silence and stare. Many such bewildering moments have occurred at the Junction in the past. An evening not so long ago
Big Dude: “Guys, Stuttgart is the best these days!”
Little Dude: “Stuttgart has lost it, they are kind of rolling out the same old models. Maranello is where the action is.”
Pala Dude: “Bavaria! That’s the epicenter of handling. It’s no coincidence that Nürburgring is close by.”
Lanky Dude: “Japan is coming back as well. I love the way LFA howls on mountain roads. And the Godzilla! Man, that thing moves like there is no tomorrow!”
Handsome Dude: “Korea is catching up big. Genesis looks awesome!”
Rubberneck: “Are we talking about geography or movies here?”
A sudden silence follows and our dudes leave a cold stare at the unfortunate rubberneck, who looks back at his computer screen and opens an application. Another evening not so long ago
Lanky Dude: “By the way, did you guys see how the LaF trounced the P1 and 918 in the comparo that Top Gear released?”
Big Dude: “It’s amazing how the P1 rolls silent in complete battery power! Spooky it is.”
Lanky Dude: “But it’s a plugin. LaF charges its battery on its own by regeneration. It’s so cool!”
Pala Dude: “Coolest electric one is the i8. Nothing comes close.”
Little Dude: “Tesla is ‘The One’ for electric power. Their design and calibration is mind blowing!”
Handsome Dude: “I wonder why none has bothered to couple battery power for 4x4 action. All that torque will make it so capable.”
Passerby: “Xiaomi rolls out the best spec for the most amazing price and it’s got great battery backup too.”
A moment of Silence!
And all our dudes are thinking to themselves: *** just happened?
Soon after, the Passerby leaves the Junction towards the exit door. A Friday night not so long ago
Pala Dude: “Yesterday night, I saw something out of the world. Was riding all alone after the second show at PVR. I reached Palachuvadu Junction and there was not a single human being or a car in sight. Suddenly, out of nowhere came a Ghost! It was huge, totally white in color, with a bit of dark red on the inside and was gliding over the road. Felt like it was not touching ground at all and sounded like the wind. I was like, ‘Oh my dear God!’ and stood there still. When it got near me, the Spirit of Ecstasy slowly rose up from under the hood. I was frozen at the sight, my heart pounding and all the hair in my body were standing up.”
The Rubberneck gets up kicking his chair backwards and sweating profusely, runs from the junction screaming “Entammo!” towards the HR bay leaving our dudes bedazzled at the junction.
After a few instances like this, our dudes genuinely wanted to move on from these moments of silence, stare, running for dear life and general awkwardness. And also the numerous official clubs at office left our dudes a bit embarrassed. It was like driving around in a car without a registration plate. So, one cold winter evening, our dudes decided to officially launch a club for all the petty auto talks that were happening at ‘The Main Junction’ of the office. Some of the names that has come up for this club are American Junction, Brake Dancers, Wolf Pack, K&K Automobiles, Hotrods, Pushrods, Petty Auto, Pad the mini, and so forth.
They really want to take this club to other colleagues as they believe the forte of any club is really in the number of members it has. So, they have put forth a plan to enroll more likeminded members to strengthen the club. And after days of deliberation, they have come up with a set of guidelines for admission into the club!
Get a hang of the following and brace yourself to join the chitchats at ‘The Main Junction’. And so it goes!
So, do you think you have it in you?
- Knowledge about the list of cars on sale in India and abroad. Though our dudes still don’t know it whole, it is insisted that new members be well aware of it, or at least don’t look surprised when a name like Pontiac is dropped. At least for god’ sakes, please don’t say anything about the social life of a certain Australian cricket player.
- T-BHP, AutoCar, Top Gear etc. are the pages where our dudes roll often. So, make sure it’s always open in your browser and available.
- V is for victory and V is for vitamins. But here, V stands for the configuration of cylinders in an engine. When one of the dudes says ‘V8’, don’t presume that he is talking about how he ate his lunch. On the same lines, W is not a wicket.
- Always be ready to suggest a car to anyone looking for a car with any budget. You can always point to your own favorites and let that car score high in a ratings scale which only the members of the club will be able to relate to. The point is never to let anyone outside the club know that you are not the best person to recommend an option. The current favorites of the club are Fords, BMs and Fiats. And you may wonder why these are not to be seen on our roads if the cars are that good. Now, that’s the whole point and only members of the club will get it!!!
- Be ready to lecture on business strategies and tactics for any ailing car maker or a model in India and abroad. Bash their board of directors for not having consulted the subject matter experts in the field like members of this very own club before making decisions. Feel free to nitpick designs of newly unveiled cars, their launch timing, the pricing, the features list, and how the advertisement and Facebook page should be like.
- Request for test drives of newly launched cars to office every now and then. And when the hapless sales guy shows up with a car, invite all the club members to join you for the joy ride. Keep yourself prepared to stumble the sales man in front of other members of the club by asking some very relevant questions which will leave him dazed. Some evergreen examples:
a. “Till what RPM does the engine hold the max Torque?” Let him know why you think the Torque curve of the said car is not very impressive compared to the car that you are owning currently.
b. “Why is the lumbar support for the driver seat and the under thigh support for the rear seat so poor?”
c. “Why does the car roll so much when you change lanes?”
d. “What are the gear ratios for Second and Fourth?”
e. “Why isn't there reach adjustment for the steering?”
- Words like ‘dickey’, ‘stepney’ are forbidden. Use ‘boot’, ‘spare wheel’, ‘space saver’ etc.
- A.S.S and I.C.E are not what they sound like.
- F1 is no longer a key on your keyboard. Always keep yourselves updated on who’s wining and which car manufacturer is on top. If you still don’t understand any of it, be strong in your criticism of where the sport is going nowadays and how it has managed to alienate you with the new rules and regulations. Also, don’t forget to tell how good the racing was back in the 80s and 90s and how none of the new driver have the balls or the talent of Senna whom you supported as a kid. Indeed, those were the days!
- Make sure to keep up with the sales numbers of each cars sold on a monthly basis. Mug up the monthly sales report in T-BHP and be in the know. And be animated about how you foresaw all this happening early last year. Always greet other members of the club in a common area like the loo or pantry by throwing out these numbers to the general bewilderment of others in the room. Lines like “Innova sold 5000 units again this month” are evergreen and you simply cannot go wrong with it. And always keep a “Didn’t I said so?” face when you blurt these numbers out.
- Know the difference between ‘breaking’ and ‘braking’, mileage and fuel efficiency.
- Ability to define jargons like coin parking, spoiler, splitter, supercharging, etc.
- Abbreviations like ABS, EPS, MPFI, 4WD and ECU are no longer sufficient. Read up and learn LWB, SRS, ESP, DOHC, TCS, WOT etc.
- Keep to your mind the actual pronunciation for Renault, Chevrolet, Gallardo and Volkswagen etc.
- Bonnie is not the Boney George from Kottayam who did Engineering with you. It’s a Triumph for God’s sake! Likewise, ‘VAG’ stands for Volkswagen AG and not wives and girlfriends of high-profile sportsmen.
- Ghost, Phantom, Spirit of Ecstasy, Wraith, Drophead Coupé are not words from a book by Stephen King. All are registered trademarks of Rolls-Royce.
- Be aware of the latest toys. Keyless entry is not entering the car by breaking one of the windows after you have managed to lock yourself outside the car with keys in the boot. Same goes for Push Button Start.
- A Pillar is not made of concrete or stones. It’s the bit between the front windshield, fender and window of a car.
- Know the distance in KMs to the top floor of the MLCP at office. The minimum time to climb, the highest gear used to climb without braking or touching the clutch pedal and the maximum speed that you can maintain the whole while.
- Make a resolution to leave the wiper blades up when you park in the sun. The rear one too.
- Find out first who owns which cars in town. Be it the S500 twins, the silver SLS or even the brand new Omni in office parking with a KL 7 CC registration. Always be in the know and have pics in your WhatsApp album.