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Old 17th November 2004, 18:50   #76
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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Old 17th November 2004, 18:51   #77
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Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
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Old 17th November 2004, 18:52   #78
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Fast forward to 2006, it is just before England vs Brazil at the World Cup
Group stages. Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his
team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's
important but it's only England. They're not so good anyway and we can't be
bothered".

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself,
you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldo goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian
team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is
going, so they get landlord to put on the teletext. A big cheer goes up as
the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldo 10 minutes)". He is beating
England all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the
teletext on. "Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1(Ronaldo 10 minutes) -
England 1 (D.Beckham 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the
dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down"
"Don't be silly, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they
only scored at the very very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down........ I got sent off after 12 minutes"

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Old 18th November 2004, 22:53   #79
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Old 18th November 2004, 23:10   #80
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Awesome stuff guys!! Loved the Football joke!!
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Old 19th November 2004, 14:53   #81
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"Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following displays:

* The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now.

* The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

* The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a 'Riverdance', while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

* Unfortunately the Committee was unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

* Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the Stewards.

* Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will force to huddle in their in-goal area whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

* The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

* Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

* The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually harass the female Stewards and then run away.

* The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard."
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Old 19th November 2004, 14:54   #82
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The UN recently conducted a worldwide survey. The only question was "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" Unfortunately, the survey was a huge failure.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
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Old 19th November 2004, 14:54   #83
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An elderly man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday with a beautiful young lady at his side.

"I'm looking for a very special ring for my girlfriend,"he said. The jeweler looks through his stock,and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand.I want something very unique," he said.

At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe."Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. "You #######,you lied, there is no money in your checking account."

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had ?
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Old 19th November 2004, 14:59   #84
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when Mika Hakkinen was asked by the priest at his wedding: "Mika, do you take Erja to be your lawful, wedded wife?", the laconic Finn paused for a very long time, scratched his chin and said: "That's a very difficult question".
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Old 17th December 2004, 11:19   #85
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Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
================================================== ==
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
================================================== ===
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other
is husband !
================================================== ===
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted
cash
==================================================
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new
school uniforms.
================================================== ==
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
=================================================
Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live
without,,, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
================================================== =
True friends stab you in the front
================================================== ==
Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
=================================================
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
================================================== ==
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired
=================================================
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it
anyway.
=================================================
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
=================================================
Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
=================================================
Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
=================================================
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the
same person.
=================================================
You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.
=================================================
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.
=================================================
Early to bed,
early to rise,
your girl goes out
with other guys.
=================================================
Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
=================================================
Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
=================================================
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they
have to say something
=================================================
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to
speak
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Old 11th January 2005, 16:25   #86
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Talking New seat belt for women !!! Which saved accidents

Guys recd this in mail, What a Cracker LOL



Hope its not offensive to any1

Regards

Techno
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Old 11th January 2005, 17:19   #87
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Good one technocrat!!!!!! hehehee....
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Old 16th January 2005, 23:09   #88
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"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the rommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?".
" He is the original owner."
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Old 21st January 2005, 15:09   #89
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F40 aint for short lady drivers



GTO
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Old 21st January 2005, 23:46   #90
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GTO
F40 aint for short lady drivers



GTO


hahahahahah... oh hell yea!!!... i was wonderin wheres the lady


Hahahaha
Dom
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