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Old 15th February 2006, 12:11   #886
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A farmer came home late one night and caught a travelling salesman in bed with his wife. The farmer knocked the travelling salesman cold and when he came to, he discovered himself in the barn, where the farmer had tightly clamped his pen!s in a big vice, nailed to the bench, and the handle to the vice was gone!
Looking around, he saw the farmer was sharpening a large knife. "Ye gods, you're not going to cut it off!" cried the salesman. "No," said the farmer; "You can do that yourself while I'm setting the barn on fire!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:12   #887
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:13   #888
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]An angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:14   #889
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"
"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:15   #890
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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][SIZE=4] [/SIZE][/FONT]One day, the boss tells a businessman that he's going to have to cut his salary by 35%.
So, that night, after dinner, he sat down with his wife to discuss ways they could save money.
The husband said, "I have an idea. If you could learn how to cook, we could fire the cook."
His wife replied "Fine. And if you could learn how to f@!k, we could fire the gardener".
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:17   #891
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to. ."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub? Living room floor?
No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your uh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?.
Good Lord, she's fainted!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:20   #892
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:21   #893
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[FONT=System][COLOR=#0000ff] [/COLOR][/FONT]Been Married 12 Times [FONT=System,Helvetica][COLOR=#800000][SIZE=3]****[/SIZE]
[/COLOR][/FONT][FONT=System,Helvetica]A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - "Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach."
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
"My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... well... God I miss him!"
She finally smiled and turned to him. "So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."
"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed!
[/FONT]
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:23   #894
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn't there. She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil 'the moment' by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
TO HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY IS BLEEDING
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied
:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND!
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:24   #895
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks.
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:25   #896
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.
A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.
Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.
"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:30   #897
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]
This English gentleman was driving his Roller through wild Wales....
When all of a sudden this chap called Dai (for it was he) jumps out into the middle of the single-track road brandishing a 12 bore shotgun and pointing it directly at Fotherington-Smythe. F-S screeched to halt. A year's worth of rubber on the Roller's tires burned in a couple of seconds.
Dai gestures with the barrel of the gun that F-S should wind down the window. F-S does not feel like arguing.
"W.... w...what do you want?" asks F-S.
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Here and now?" Asks F-S incredulously.
"Aye, aye, and be quick about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the aged shotgun an inch from F-S' right year.
After F-S had filled his hanky he asked "Now what?"
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Again?" asks F-S.
"Aye, aye, and be quicker about it" replies Dai, waving the barrel of the aged shotgun closer to F-S' right year.
Comes the time when F-S asks again "Now what?"
"Masturbate!" says Dai.
"What? Again?" asks F-S.
"Aye, aye, and be quicker again" replies Dai, poking the barrel of the aged shotgun against F-S' earlug.
This went on for quite a while until F-S finally implored "I can't. I can't. I've got nothing more to offer. Anything... anything else, please, don't expect me to do that again for a fortnight... please ask me to do something else".
"Oh. Ok then." says Dai "you can now give my daughter a lift into town...."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:32   #898
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter "What are you doing naked?"
The daughter responds "This is the dress of love."
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband. When her husband arrives, he asks her "What are you doing naked, woman?"
She responds "This is the dress of love."
And he said to her "Well, go iron the f!!king thing first!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:34   #899
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
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Old 15th February 2006, 12:36   #900
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[FONT=System,Helvetica][SIZE=2]A husband and wife go visit a marriage counsellor. First, the wife speaks to the counsellor alone. The counsellor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"
The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"
"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses To go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."
The marriage counsellor is amused, "Anything else?"
"He keeps picking his nose all the time!! Even in public!!"
"Hmm, anything else?"
The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"
"Ah," says the counsellor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counsellor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."
The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"
The counsellor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."
The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do in his deathbed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."
"What did he say?"
"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"
The counsellor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."
The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."
The counsellor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."
"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."
The counsellor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."
"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.
"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."
"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."
"What did he say?"
The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said. Don't screw up."
[/SIZE][/FONT]
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