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Old 15th February 2006, 14:38   #916
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For her birthday I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's birthday I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the T-shirt she can go **** herself!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:40   #917
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A Frenchman, an American and an Australian were in a bar.
The Frenchman says "My name's is Pierre, I come from Paris and I have a swimming pool so big that I need a motor boat to travel from one end to the other!"
The American says "My name's Chuck, I come from Dallas and I have a ranch so big that it takes me two days to drive around it !"
The Australian says "My names Bruce, I come from Sydney and I've got an 18" pen!s !"
The Frenchman and the American look at each other and then the Frenchman says "OK. OK. I lied. My pool is really just Olympic size." The American says "Yeah, well, I lied too. My ranch really isn't all that big."
The Australian says "Ok. I admit that I lied as well. I really come from Adelaide !"
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:41   #918
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A drunk was sitting in a bar looking at three small brown pellets in his hand. The bartender asked what they were, and the drunk replied "They are brain pills...they make you smart."
The bartender says excitedly, "Give me one." He snatches one from the drunks hand, and gulps it quickly down with water. In a few minutes he comes back over to the drunk and says he doesn't feel any smarter.
"You probably didn't take enough." So the bartender quickly gulps down another one.
Half an hour later the bartender asks for a third pill. This one he looks at with more care. He sniffs it, and tastes it slowly. "Why, this is nothing but sheep manure!"
"See," says the drunk, "you're getting smarter already."
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:42   #919
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:43   #920
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:44   #921
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:51   #922
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 14:56   #923
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:14   #924
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the backseat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Pete!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:30   #925
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Ha ha ........... hooooooooo......heeeeeeeeeee........ real KILLER!!!!!
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:33   #926
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A guy goes to a single's bar to find a bedmate for the nite. He sits at the bar and has a couple of drinks while surveying his possibilities.
He finally decides on a cute redhead that seems to be having a great time dancing with different guys. So he has another quick drink while waiting for the music to stop, making sure he is positioned to ask her for the next dance.
He gets it, but after gyrating madly on the dance floor with the gal, after the dance he feels a bit woozy from the drinks he'd had.
"How many drinks does it take to get you dizzy?" he asks the perky redhead.
"Oh, four or five." she answers, adding "And don't call me Dizzy."
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:36   #927
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar.
The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."
"So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well", says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:41   #928
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick b@$t@rd," replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:43   #929
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]A woman walks into a pub and sees a really good looking bloke sitting at the bar. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking. He says, "Magic Bitter."
She thinks he's a bit of a nutter, so she walks around the pub. After realizing that there is no one else worth talking to, she goes back to the man sitting at the bar. She says, "That isn't really Magic Bitter is it?"
He says, "Yes. I'll show you." So, he takes a gulp of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back into the window.
She can't believe it. She says to him, "I bet you can't do that again." So, he takes another drink of the bitter, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times, and comes back in the window. She is amazed. She says that she wants a Magic Bitter.
So the bloke says to the bartender, "Give her a pint of what I'm having." She gets her pint, takes a gulp, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body and dies.
The bartender looks up at the bloke and says, "Superman, you're a real ******* when you've been drinking"
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Old 15th February 2006, 15:47   #930
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[FONT=System] [/FONT]Anybody has seen the Scottish film "Trainspotting"?
One of the guys in the film want to make fun with a girl serving at the bar - he phones her and asks for Mr. Hunt, could he come to the phone? "What's his first name?" "It's Mark, his first name is Mark, second name is Hunt".
And she yells to the people in the pub: "'is anybody in here seen Mark Hunt?"
"No, sis, but we'd love to!!!" sounds the answer from her audience.
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