| || ||Thread Tools||Search this Thread|
|20th February 2006, 10:47||#961|
Join Date: May 2004
Thanked: 4 Times
TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the *****
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
|20th February 2006, 14:37||#962|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Oct 2004
Thanked: 1,617 Times
Bihar Driving License Applikason Phorom
NOTE: If you dot knows, please copy from another
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.
Please do not soot the person at the applikason
kounter. He will give
1. Last name:
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
2. First name:
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
(_) Less than phipty
(_) Greater than phipty
(_) Dot no
(Check karet box)
Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not
Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right
(_) House wife
(Check karet box)
Number of children libing in the household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother name: _______________________
Phather Name: ____________________ (If not no, leave
Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
(_) Other - Give egjhakt color
(Check karet box)
Your thumb imparesson (If you are copying from another
please do not copy thumb impression also. Please
provide your own thumb
PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS
Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have
lepht hand, use
thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand,
use thumb on lepht
NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.
WE ARE VARY
ps: Mods i recd this via email..
|20th February 2006, 16:17||#965|
Senior - BHPian
Barking in Bambai
|21st February 2006, 01:10||#966|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Nov 2004
Thanked: 35 Times
There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"
The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."
The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."
|21st February 2006, 17:25||#967|
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
|21st February 2006, 17:27||#968|
How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity!
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Don't use any punctuation.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Sing along at the opera.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of the opposite gender.
Send email to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, in stall 3."
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.
Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!"
When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
Every time you see a broom yell, "Honey, your mother is here!"
|21st February 2006, 17:29||#969|
[COLOR=#cc0000]GM vs Microsoft[/COLOR]
****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ''If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.''
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ''Car95'' or ''CarNT.'' But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ''general car default'' warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say ''Are you sure?'' before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the ''start'' button to shut off the engine.
|21st February 2006, 17:30||#970|
A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for
Attorney: "May I help you
Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was."
Hillbilly: "That's why I want this dayvorce."
|21st February 2006, 17:34||#971|
Three Irishmen and three Englishmen are travelling by train to a football match in London.
At the station, the three English each buy a ticket and watch as the three Irish buy just
one ticket among them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the English.
"Watch and learn," answers one of the Irish as they all board the train.
The English take their respective seats but all three Irish cram into a toilet and close
the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor arrives to collect
the tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on. The English are mightily impressed by this.
Later, after the game, the English decide to copy the Irish (like always!) on the return
trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Englishman.
"Watch and learn," says one Paddy.
When they board the train, the three Irish cram into a toilet, and soon after, the
three English pile into another nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Irish leaves the toilet and sneaks
across to the toilet where the English are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
|21st February 2006, 17:40||#972|
[COLOR=#cc0000]Actual Quotes from Court[/COLOR]
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
|22nd February 2006, 01:05||#973|
Join Date: Nov 2005
Joke With A Moral
Dunno if this has already been posted... but here is a joke with a moral. It goes like this..
There was this guys who visits the doctor with severe pain in his lowers spinal cord...so painful that he coudnt even walk a few steps.
So the doctor runs him thru several tests and finally looking at his xray report says that the guy had a difficult problem where this testicles were pressing hard against his spine causing the sever pain, so painful that he coudnt even walk. And the only way to ease the pain was to surgically remove the testicles.
The guys does a lot of thinking and finally decides that he would rather give up his testicles that live with the pain for the rest of his life. And so agrees to have his testicles removed.
So the day after he he gets his testicles removed he feels GREAT. he no longer felt the pain in his spine. He felt like an all new person free from the pain that was haunting. Feeling lighter he decided to treat himself like a king that day.
So as he was returning home he had lunch at an expensive hotel. As he passed a jewellery shop he went in and got himself an expensive watch. Later as he passed through a cloting store he decided to get himself an expensive outfit. So he goes in and tells the shop keeper that he wanted a shirt. The shop keeper jus saw him and said that size 40 was the guys size. The guy was amazed cos that was his size and the shop keeper said it jus by looking at him. He then tells the shop keeper that he wanted a trouser. The shop keeper jus saw him and said that size 32 was the guys size. The guy was once again amazed cos that was his size and the shop keeper said it jus by looking at him. So he asks the shop keeper how he does it ....and the shop keeper said that the was the best in the business and he could tell the size of any thing just by looking.
So the guys gets a bit annoyed and naughty by the arrogance of the shopkeeper and decides to test him.he asks the shop keeper for new underware. The shop keeper gives him a look and says that 100-105 was his size. The guys then smirks and laughs out loud. He replied saying the shop keeper was wrong cos he was wearing size 80 underwares. so the guys was really happy cos he got the shop keeper.
But the shop keeper was not convinced and firmly replyed saying...... "Size 100 is definately your size , because any thing smaller would cause your testicles to press hard against your spine causing severe pain,so painful that you cant even walk "
MORAL : IT ALWAYS PAYS TO HAVE A SECOND OPINION
|22nd February 2006, 13:12||#974|
Senior - BHPian
Ek baar Laloo aur Rabri apni wedding anniversary mana rahe thay.Tab
Laloo ne Rabri se poocha "Ari o humri Darling, tanik ek tho baat
poochat hu, sach sach batana humko...tum itne saalon mein, humre saath
kitne baar unfaithful hui hai re?"
Rabri ne kaha agar bataongi toh gussa karonge.
Toh Laloo bola, "Nahi humri baby, hum God ka promise khaata hoo, gussa
nahin na karoonga."
Toh woh boli - sirf 3 baar.
"Accha , kab kab?s Humko thoda details do."
Rabri boli,. "Pehli baar jab hamra ghar neelam hone ja raha tha,toh
hum uss raat Bank ke president ke paas gayee , aur doosre din Bank ne
Humko extensionva diya."
Laloo bola" Theek hai humri sweetheart... ee to tumne apni family ko
bachane ke liye kiya.. aur doosra?
Rabri boli,.. Yaad hai jab aap ko heart attackva hua aur aapko surgery
ki zaroorat thi.. uss raat hum doctor ke ghar gayee aur assure ne
aapka operation free me kar diya.
Laloo bole.. "O Rabri darling, oo toh tumne humri jaan bachane ke liye
kiya".. Aur teesra"?
Rabri boli, "Yaad hai aapko ek tho baar party ka President banne ke
liye 174 vote ki zaroorat thi?"
|22nd February 2006, 17:15||#975|
Senior - BHPian
A Mexican Love Story:-
Maria was a beautiful Latina who fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon.
She was so happy about her wedding plans; she decided to tell her papa.
Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still". "You can not marry Ricardo, Maria.
Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are both your half-brothers".
Maria had no choice but to go to her mama, but she already knew and said "Maria, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa!!
|Thread Tools||Search this Thread|
|Thread||Thread Starter||Forum||Replies||Last Post|
|Time for a Holiday Joke?||Steeroid||Shifting gears||9||24th December 2005 20:51|
|A Nelson joke||Dippy||Shifting gears||6||8th September 2004 23:12|