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Old 7th May 2006, 23:30   #1171
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Old 8th May 2006, 18:16   #1172
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Wink

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!

He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are the modems you need for your new watch
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Old 8th May 2006, 20:06   #1173
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Extremely important advice and recommendations to be passed
on to wives, girlfriends, fiancés, mothers, sisters, daughters, etc.
(to all women in general) These rules are to be communicated
prior to the World Cup in June/July this year...



LIST OF RULES
From 9th June to 9th July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going
on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will
be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote
control, you will lose it (your eye).

If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without
distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch
a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of
your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell from the
second floor... it wont happen.

It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble
on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be
allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

Please, please, please!! if you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, its only a game”,
or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less.
Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called “words of encouragement” will only
lead to a break up or divorce.

You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials
are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game, hence do not use
the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.

The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them
again. Many times.

Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance
because:
I will not go,
I will not go, and
I will not go.
But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think
about saying “but you have already seen this...why don’t you change the channel to something we
can all watch??”, the reply will be: “Refer to Rule #2 of this list”.

And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years”. I am immune to these
words, because after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, etc etc.

Thank you for your co-operation.
Regards,
Men of the World

Last edited by Deeps : 8th May 2006 at 20:09.
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Old 9th May 2006, 13:49   #1174
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gordon
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when.........
Nice one Gordon..

Cheers,
Mugen_Power.
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Old 11th May 2006, 00:08   #1175
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1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of
lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She
has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies
on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only One. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you
afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to
climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save
only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet.

10 What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control? His personality

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are
some things a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets
frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture? Removable
wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice.

18. What do you get if you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician? A daughter named Chelsea Clinton.
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Old 11th May 2006, 00:10   #1176
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Hehehe this one is good......

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Old 11th May 2006, 00:11   #1177
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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Sunday dinner.


This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her

nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost

making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to

relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud,

but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's

father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the

woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".



The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her

face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain

again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and

longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later

the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think

about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s all over you!"
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Old 11th May 2006, 00:18   #1178
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Some facts for you.........

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(wow!)

A pig's o*r*g*a*s*m lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death.
(Creepy, I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the ....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.
(30 minutes - lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Last edited by Jay : 11th May 2006 at 00:21.
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Old 11th May 2006, 11:38   #1179
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Old 11th May 2006, 14:51   #1180
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Cheers,
Mugen_Power.
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Old 12th May 2006, 09:47   #1181
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Talking The Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury. Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar.. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under... forever. You have two options -- you can save the life of G. W. Bush or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the demise of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:
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Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

A bit like the one Karthik has sent
Quote:
Originally Posted by karthik247
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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Old 12th May 2006, 11:49   #1182
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Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the
supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50!


However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage
that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50. The villagers queued up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.


Then they could not find the man or his assistant, all they had were monkeys and monkeys.
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Old 12th May 2006, 15:07   #1183
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hahaha.....!!!! that was a nice one anoops..!!
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Old 13th May 2006, 12:34   #1184
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REAL NEWSPAPER ADS
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... been out a while.
Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.





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Old 13th May 2006, 12:58   #1185
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gordon
Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at 20 rupees.

This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to 25 and the
supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it. The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at 50!


However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage
that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for 50. The villagers queued up with all their saving to buy the monkeys.


Then they could not find the man or his assistant, all they had were monkeys and monkeys.
this is more like what our share markets could be in near future eh?

manson.
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