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Old 28th June 2006, 11:49   #1291
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hahahahahahahaha ........... Love that one
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Old 29th June 2006, 10:37   #1292
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A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing
new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash
without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing
their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."



MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.





FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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Old 29th June 2006, 10:39   #1293
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THE BURGLAR AND JESUS
>>
>> >>
>> >>A burglar broke into a house one night.
>> >>He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he

>> >>picked up a CD player to place in his sack , a strange disembodied
>> >>voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
>> >>
>> >>He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
>> >>froze.
>> >>
>> >>When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then
>> >>clicked on the light and began searching for more valuables.
>> >>
>> >>Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
>> >>clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
>> >>
>> >>Freaked out, he shone his light all around frantically looking for
>> >>the source of the
>>voice. Finally in a corner of the room, the flashlight
>> >>beam came to rest on a parrot.
>> >>
>> >>"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
>> >>
>> >>"Yep", the parrot confessed, and then squawked, "I'm just trying to
>>warn
>> >>you."
>> >>
>> >>The burglar relaxed. "Warn me huh! Who in the world are you?"
>> >>
>> >>"Moses", replied the parrot.
>> >>
>> >>"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a
>> >>parrot Moses?"
>> >>
>> >>"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
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Old 29th June 2006, 10:50   #1294
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A true story but FUNNY AS HELL....
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !'' and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews, etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".

Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".

Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"

Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"

Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."


Little Johnny:- "Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baby Belly
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hiding Smokers
Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."

Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 29th June 2006 at 10:57.
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Old 29th June 2006, 11:45   #1295
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The Manager asked: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian said: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You
start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sold him small fishhook.
Then I sold him medium fishhook.
Then I sold him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down on the
coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sold him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took
him down to our automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then asked him where he'd be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth
of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his
headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."
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Old 29th June 2006, 11:58   #1296
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@Edmund.. Joke's been posted before Page 83 Post # 1223
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Old 29th June 2006, 15:38   #1297
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose
@Edmund.. Joke's been posted before Page 83 Post # 1223
Your indepth knowledge of the official joke thread is awe-inspiring.

cya
R
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Old 29th June 2006, 15:40   #1298
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rehaan
Your indepth knowledge of the official joke thread is awe-inspiring.

cya
R
Gee thanks Mr Mod.. if you still had the posts counting for this thread.. I'd be catching up to you guys by leaps and bounds!
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Old 29th June 2006, 15:42   #1299
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rehaan
Your indepth knowledge of the official joke thread is awe-inspiring.

cya
R
\



Joke of the day for me right there!!
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Old 29th June 2006, 16:18   #1300
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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One guy said he was going to bug him. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. ‘Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.’
‘Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.’
Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. ‘I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!’
‘You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.’ The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. ‘I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!’
‘Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.’
Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. ‘Your right, he is unshakable!’
The third English man said: ‘No, no, no, I will really big him, you just watch.’
The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said… ‘I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!’
‘Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.’
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Old 30th June 2006, 19:00   #1301
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose
and i kinda know where u get ur daily jokes from
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Old 30th June 2006, 23:23   #1302
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Talking :d

[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru.
I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you
cannot read fast.We don't live where we did when you left
home.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles
from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to send the address as the
last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their
new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine,situated
right above the commode.I'm not sure it works too well.Last
week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them
since.The weather here isn't too bad.It rained only twice last week.The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you
wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is
cutting the grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby
this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy,
so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jatinder
fell in a the nearby well.Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought
them off bravely and drowned.We cremated him and he burned for three
days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to
fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried
in the sea after he died.And your friend died while in the process of
digging a grave for his father. There isn ' t much more news this
time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.
Regards,
mom

Last edited by twister : 30th June 2006 at 23:25.
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Old 30th June 2006, 23:25   #1303
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We've all heard about people having guts or *****. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below ....



GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts
to ask:
"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"



***** - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the *** and having the ***** to say:
"You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
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Old 1st July 2006, 09:32   #1304
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Exclamation I am not responsible for you forgetting your basic grammar after reading this!

These are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spell errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart!
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this.
- Hello To Viewvers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male, If any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart… when ever u whant to meet pls viset my resident or send uletter.. Thanks yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from orissa state she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
(Homework?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wants a man who knows me better and can adjust with me forever. he may never create any difficulties in my life or his life by which the entire life can run smoothly. thank you (The principle of running life smoothlywas never so easy!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he should be good looking and should have a service. he Shoulsd have one brother and one sister. he should be educated.
(ain’t it unique !! 1 brother 1 sister criteria !)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love. I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on … hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i am simple girl.I have lot ofproblemin mylife because ofmylucknow I amlooking oneboyhe caremeandloveme lot lot lot (I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband should be as ‘Shiva’ as in Kahani Ghar Ghar Ki and as Tanwerr as in KSBKBT……
(Ok I haven’t seen these soaps but I am sure she must be demanding too much, ain’t he?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast (by not wearing his jeans? Wat the hell…)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY ,THEY ARE 1.THEY
MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION AND THEY SHOULD
NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing{laughing})
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he would bde called the man of the lamp (I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and i love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok (I am again clueless but I liked the use of “ok”. The person is
suffering from “Ok-syndrome”)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI IAM VERY COOL NUATHER OK MY HOBBY IS SEE T.V AND NEWS OK I HAVE 1 CAR AND 1 BONWL OK MY MOTHER ALSO GOOD OK MY FARUET WORLD IS OK
(the “ok syndrome” again)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and fater&mother sister complity marred (somebody please explain in comments section how to get married ‘completely’?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam very simpel and hanest. i have three sister one brother and parent. am doing postal sarvice and tailor master my original resdence at kalahandi diste naw iam staing at rayagada dist.
(actually what is this girl doing? Postal service or tailor.??)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes (height of desperation! J )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iwant one boy who love me or my mother. he love me heartly or he havea frank he’s skin colour ‘normal’not a black or not a whitey. IThink the main think is heart if your heart is beautiful then you are beautiful. But iam not a handsome girl or not a good looking. but my Mom say that
Iam a good girl. My father already expired . iam ‘’AEKLAUTA'’. THE CHOICE IS YOUR. bye bye.
(uttama purishinin)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam kanandevi. i do owo businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I AM LITTLE FAIR INDIAN COLOUR. I DON’T HAVE ANY HABIT.
(maybe the poor guy meant BAD habits)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily. i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good’. i expect the good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other caste accepted …
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my colour is black,but my heart is white.i like social service (Zebra..???)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i’m looking out for who lives in bombay, boy simple who trust me lot should be roman catholic, LOVE ME ONLY.
(Now that criterion is a must, isn’t it?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
to be married on jan-2005. working man preferable (this girl has fixed the marriage date too! But she is yet to find a bridegroom. I wish her best of luck on behalf of all of us. I am sure she will get one soon.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i would like a beautyfull boy. and i do not want his any treasure. because boy is the maharaja.
(Now he is going to be a lucky boy! Any takers?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ssc failed three times and worked with privated ltd company which not paying salary at present.
(Any takers again?)
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Old 1st July 2006, 10:01   #1305
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Modern Version of the Birds & Bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male.
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