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Old 24th July 2006, 10:57   #1381
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arrighty!!!! I have come in to spoil the party

Oy! Gore got more votes not kerry!1 (wrong election!!)
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Old 24th July 2006, 11:03   #1382
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Revv... its a JOKE.. there's something called POETIC LICENCE or in this case JOKE LICENCE
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Old 24th July 2006, 11:05   #1383
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Revvhead
arrighty!!!!
I have come in to spoil the party
hey - lets give him a lil break - he atleast got the rhyming right here ..
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Old 24th July 2006, 13:47   #1384
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Default Joke Schomke!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose
Revv... its a JOKE.. there's something called POETIC LICENCE or in this case JOKE LICENCE


I Know!~!!!!
i was jest jestin!! and shootin down your factually incorrect joke--

And here's one of my Old time Fav's

What do you get when you cross a Donkey with an Onion???
..
..
..
A piece os As$ that brings tears to your eyes!~!
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Old 24th July 2006, 14:18   #1385
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose
George Bush goes to a school George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.............................And fifth, Where is ďBobĒ? !!
2L8, This is a repost again. Check post 836 of the thread!!!
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Old 24th July 2006, 17:20   #1386
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2 Bio tech bigwigs talking at a bar...

BT1: U know what, we crossed a chicken with a cow so that we get milk as well as thhe meat tastes like chicken, Howzat!

BT2: and U know what, we crossed melon with cockroach, so that whn we cut the melon, all the seeds will run away!!
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Old 25th July 2006, 10:16   #1387
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President George W. Bush Quotes of Stupidity
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000

8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005

5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004

4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letter to Redneck Son

Dearest Son

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last
Gander family that lived here took the house numbers
when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice.
It even has a washing machine.
I'm not sure about it.
I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit,
she put a third one in because she heard you have grown
another foot since she last saw you.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday.
We were really worried because it took him two hours
to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time.
Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom

Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 25th July 2006 at 10:18.
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Old 25th July 2006, 10:24   #1388
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Talking The class continues.

2L8uLoose - you are very close - check post 1297.


************************************************** ***********

Meanwhile, the class in post #1145. The teacher continues to teach, and a couple of more such answers later, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke [vomit.]"

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
-- Again, Toshiba says, "George Bush [Sr.] to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*** this!"
--Toshiba jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

*Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
--Toshiba frantically yells at the top of his voice, "California Congressman Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

(The teacher fainted.) And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're f**ked!"
---and Toshiba said, "Americans,... in Iraq 2004!



************************************************** *****
P.S: Mods, pls edit if reqd

Last edited by adya33 : 25th July 2006 at 13:39.
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Old 25th July 2006, 10:39   #1389
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Hahaha Condor.. that was a Sardar.. this is a REDNECK.. different continent.. so it dosn't count...
You know what they say.. a miss is as good as a mile!
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Old 25th July 2006, 23:17   #1390
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Default A Blonde's Year

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.



February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print

labels....Helllooo!!!...the bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter!!!



March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box

said "2-4 years!"



April - Trapped on escalator for hours....power went out!!!



May - Tried to make Kool-Aid....wrong instructions....8 cups of water

won't fit into those little packets!!



June - Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope.



July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition....learned later, the

other swimmers cheated and used their arms!!!



August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm....car swamped because

soft-top was open.



September - The capital of California is "C"....isn't it???



October - Hate M & M's...they're so hard to peel.



November - Baked turkey for four and a half days....instructions said 1

hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!



December - Couldn't call 911..."duh"....there's no 'eleven' button on

the stupid phone!!!



What a year!
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Old 25th July 2006, 23:19   #1391
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Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all
about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them
individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the
morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.


The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We
are in BIG trouble this time.


("I just LOVE reading next line again and again" )

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!
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Old 26th July 2006, 09:30   #1392
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Default The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I canít reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didnít realize my radar detector wasnít plugged in.
18. Arenít you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. Youíre not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesnít inspire confidence.
11. Didnít I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary.
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, thatís terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, thatís how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? Thatís nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Old 26th July 2006, 13:13   #1393
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A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become
detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your
suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first Singh answers, "That's
easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman
says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side
profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, "This is your suspect, how
would you recognize him?"

The second Singh smiles and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds,

"What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are
showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer
you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh
and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The Singh
looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears
contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
interesting answerWait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office,
checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming
smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the Singh replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear."

Last edited by 2L8uLoose : 26th July 2006 at 13:14.
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Old 27th July 2006, 13:10   #1394
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Default India's Poet Laureate

Deep in jungle I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I avenge poor darling's life.
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But am not feared these sons of beeches.
Hearing loud noise I am jump with start
But noise is coming from damn fool heart.
Taking care not to be fright,
I am clutching rifle with eye to sight.
Should Tiger come I will fall him down
Then like hero return to native town.
Then through the trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self: Ranga, be brave.
I now proceed with too much care
From nonsense smell this Tiger's lair.
My leg is shake, I start to pray
I think I shoot Tiger some other day.
Turning round I am going to go
But Tiger giving bloody roar;
He bounding from cave like shooting star
I commend my soul to Kali Ma.
Through the jungle I am went
Like bullet with Tiger hot on scent.
Mighty Tiger rave and rant;
Rangaswamy s**t in pant!
Must therefore leave the jungle,
Killing Tiger one big bungle!
I am telling that never in life
I will risk again for damn fool wife.
- Rangaswamy -

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Old 28th July 2006, 10:51   #1395
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A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, - it's only 2130 now."
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