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Old 29th July 2006, 16:09   #1411
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Birthday Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have: Work out Barbie for $19.95 Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for $19.95 Disco Barbie for $19.95 Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and all the others only $19.95?"

The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... One of Ken's Friends.
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Old 29th July 2006, 17:43   #1412
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After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ***?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh *** for mah drink."
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Old 29th July 2006, 22:20   #1413
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Online chat.... very interesting...for S/W engg



Hello!

Here is something interesting...

Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's

Hero: Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?

Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat

Hero: wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat

Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.

Hero: OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his seat.)

Manager: Hey, I need some help from you

Hero: [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me

Manager: Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?

Hero: I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.

Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]

(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)

Female: Hey, am back

Hero: cool, you know what my manager does, She's kinda..... keeps asking stupid Things, tries to give me stupid work

Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!

Hero: Yep, u rite!!

Female: Hey, can u do me a favor

Hero: *smiles* sure, why not.

Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out

Hero: hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now. ok?

Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM!! AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW!!
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Old 30th July 2006, 21:05   #1414
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A Professor at one of the IIM's ( INDIA )

was explaining marketing concepts to

the Students:-

1 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:


"I am very rich. Marry me!" - That's
Direct Marketing

2 You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.

One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says:


"He's very rich. Marry him." - That's
Advertising

3 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her

telephone number. The next day, you call and say:

"Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." - That's
Telemarketing


4 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up and

straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open
the door (of the car)for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer
her ride and then say:

By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" -

That's Public Relations



5 You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and

says:

You are very rich! Can you marry ! me?" -

That's B rand Recognition

6 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:

I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on
your face.

- That's Customer Feedback

7 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say:

"I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her
husband.

- That's demand and supply gap

8 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before
you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you
marry me?"

and she goes with him - That's competition eating into your
market share


9 You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before

you say:

I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. -

That's restriction
for entering new markets ...
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Old 30th July 2006, 21:10   #1415
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[FONT=Courier New]Jeppiar, the chairman of Satyabama Engineering College and some other colleges (in Chennai) was a police constable. He was the right hand of our MGR and due to hi political power he started that engineering college. He named it after MGR's mother Satyabama. Now, enjoy these English sentences from Jeppiar .These are a few comedies about Jeppiar The
Great.... (Mind u. These r facts!!!!!)



# About his family :
----------------
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
-------------
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
*The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).

# To a boy, angrily :
-----------------
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :
-------------------
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Sir at his best :
---------------

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to
see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them. So
the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY
WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :
----------------
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - ta ke the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose
today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver...
* Take 5 cm wire of any length...

One More:
----------
Once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by the time the
function had started, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry i am late,
because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats). This is the way
his english will be but let me tell u some of the dialogues heard during
sathyabama college day 2001:

This college strict u the worry no ... u get good marks, i the happy,
tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry i enjoy.

St Joseph Freshers day 2003 - No ragging this college. anybody rag we arrest the police.[/FONT]
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Old 30th July 2006, 21:55   #1416
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THE INTERVIEW



An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.

[

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"



Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."



"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. " And now you sir?" he asked the second man.


"Hmm.! let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


["Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply]


["Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.



Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."



"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants."



Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!

Last edited by xtreme power : 30th July 2006 at 21:58.
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Old 31st July 2006, 10:38   #1417
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mclaren1885
[FONT=Courier New]Jeppiar, the chairman of Satyabama Engineering College and some other colleges (in Chennai) was a police constable. He was the right hand of our MGR and due to hi political power he started that engineering college. He named it after MGR's mother Satyabama. Now, enjoy these English sentences from Jeppiar .These are a few comedies about Jeppiar The
Great.... (Mind u. These r facts!!!!!)



# About his family :
----------------
* I have two daughters. Both of them are girls...(?)

# At the ground :
-------------
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
*The girl with the mirror please come her...{Meaning girl with specs).

# To a boy, angrily :
-----------------
* I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

# Giving a punishment :
-------------------
* You, rotate the ground four times...
* You, go and under-stand the tree...
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why are you late - say YES or NO .....(?)

# Sir at his best :
---------------

Sir had once gone to a film with his wife. By chance, he happened to
see one of our boys at the theatre, though the boy did no t see them. So
the next day at school... (to that boy) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY
WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Inside the Class :
----------------
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the Air Force come in.
* Cut an apple into two halves - ta ke the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor
* You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class .. )
* Both of u three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose
today...
* Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver...
* Take 5 cm wire of any length...

One More:
----------
Once jeppiar had come late to a college function, by the time the
function had started, so he went to the dais, and said, sorry i am late,
because on the way my car hit 2 muttons (Meaning goats). This is the way
his english will be but let me tell u some of the dialogues heard during
sathyabama college day 2001:

This college strict u the worry no ... u get good marks, i the happy,
tomorrow u get good job, jpr the happy, tomorrow u marry i enjoy.

St Joseph Freshers day 2003 - No ragging this college. anybody rag we arrest the police.[/FONT]

Hey mclaren most of this stuff was also said by our commerce teacher in school mr. raj babu
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Old 31st July 2006, 11:22   #1418
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Default Practicing Safe Fax

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day
Q. How do I go about faxing a complete stranger?
A. Just ask them if they want to fax. If they do, they will give you their phone number
Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young, and were only allowed to write memo's to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedure
Q. If I fax something to myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not. As far as we can see
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their needs become too great
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should always be used
Q. What happens if I do the procedure incorrectly and fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people fax prematurely when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over, most people won't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but so long as you use a cover with each one you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
Q. Is getting faxed by one person the same as with another?
A. No. Even though many people (especially lawyers) would like you to believe that the longer they are faxing you the better you will like it. In reality the best fax is short, of high quality, and very graphic.
Q. There is a man I'd very much like to fax (I've tried several times) but he can't seem to keep his equipment up long enough. Is there any thing I can do to help him?
A. You could suggest that he contact a good fax therapist, such as Canon or Mitsubishi. If he refuses to take the suggestion, it would be best if you just wrote him off.
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Old 31st July 2006, 12:03   #1419
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cooldude1988765
Hey mclaren most of this stuff was also said by our commerce teacher in school mr. raj babu
Haha... you mean Rozz Babu! We were the most troublemaking batch of his! We made him cry, so try topping that!

P.S. He teaches accounts, not commerce. The Commerce clown is Sanjeeva (a.k.a. santa claus)

Godspeed,

Alok
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Old 31st July 2006, 16:41   #1420
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Default Talking ..

A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks."Yes," the Lab replies."So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog."Ten euros," the man says.

"Ten euros?This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****"
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Old 31st July 2006, 17:42   #1421
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Bhola spoke frantically on the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" Bhola shouted. "This is her husband!"
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Old 1st August 2006, 14:17   #1422
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Rozz Babu was my classteacher. He cried. And cried. And cried with joy when we graduated.
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Old 1st August 2006, 14:30   #1423
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Default My Mother taught me....

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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Old 1st August 2006, 17:27   #1424
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Last edited by cooldude1988765 : 1st August 2006 at 17:31.
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Old 1st August 2006, 22:33   #1425
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THE BEST T-SHIRT EVER MADE

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