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Old 2nd August 2006, 14:31   #1426
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A French guest, staying in a hotel in New York, phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!" said the Frenchman.

Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagra Falls??

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Old 2nd August 2006, 14:37   #1427
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4 Liquid stages of life -

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Old 2nd August 2006, 15:57   #1428
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A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off.

The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.

Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.

The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"

ps. in the t-shirt pic the girl looks like a guy(exept at the place where the text is)

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Old 2nd August 2006, 22:05   #1429
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Quote:
Originally Posted by karthik247
THE BEST T-SHIRT EVER MADE

Actually it should have been opposite..
Since mirrors dont Lie,,
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Old 3rd August 2006, 08:02   #1430
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"Love Hate" or "Hate Love" ?
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Old 4th August 2006, 19:58   #1431
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Default Height of Communication GAP…

Well........just today i got this in email and i think its one of the best jokes if not the best i have read/heard.here u go.........

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until wefind out for Sure, we can’t tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from Electric Company because the electricity bill has Not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? "

"Yes...... Speaking"

Guy"You're a month overdue, you know!"


"How do YOU know?" stammers the young Woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW?????"

"Yes ........... We have a System of finding out who's overdue"

"GOD!!!!!!......... This is too Much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ........ Let me talk to my husband about this tonight......He will speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the visit,and he, mad as a bull,Rushes to Electric Company's office the next day
morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception atElecric Company it's nothing serious. All You have to do is pay us”

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Last edited by rsjaurr : 4th August 2006 at 20:05.
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Old 4th August 2006, 20:59   #1432
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Default Clear Concepts

I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities.

Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments.

Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy.

The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations.

But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!


General Baron Von Hammersteiner-Equord
Commander-in-Chief
The Reichswehr
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Old 4th August 2006, 21:51   #1433
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[FONT=Courier New]Why are Indian husbands known as "SILVER"?

And

Why are American husbands known as "GOLD"?

Socho

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Arae Socho


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Thoda aur Socho
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> > > |
> > > |
> > > Socho Socho....
> > >
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> > >
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> > > Nahi Aata
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Indian wives call their husband "A g" (Scientific Symbol for Silver)
> > >
American wives call their husband "A u" (Scientific Symbol for Gold)[/FONT]
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Old 4th August 2006, 21:52   #1434
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An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian.

He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move.
"You know," says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that flights
will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger. So let's talk."
The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to
the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
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Old 5th August 2006, 11:13   #1435
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A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door. Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman. "Do you need chili sauce or ketchup with that" asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there's no electricity in the house!"

MORAL: Gather All Required Information Before Working On Any Project...
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Old 5th August 2006, 14:21   #1436
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European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.


Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.


Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.


By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".


During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.


Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.


Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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Old 6th August 2006, 08:41   #1437
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Default Contest - Beer vs Women

Beer or women?
A man's dilemma

1. A beer is always wet, a woman isn't.
1 point for beer!

2. Beer is horrible when it is hot.
1 point for women!

3. A cold beer satisfies you.
1 point for beer!

4. If you come back home smelling beer, your wife can get angry at you. If you come back home smelling women, your wife will get angry for sure and she might even not talk to you again.
Draw! (it depends on your point of view...)

5. 10 beers in a night and then you can't drive.
10 women in one night and you don't have to drive anywhere!
1 point for women!

6. The older beer is, the better.
1 point for beer!

7. Many beers can make you see UFO's. Many women can make you see God!
1 point for women!

8. If you ask yourself how the next woman will be, you're normal. If you ask yourself how the next beer will be, you're alcoholic.
1 point for women!

9. Removing the sticker off a beer is fun, but removing women's underwear is more fun!
1 point for women!

10. For a beer you pay taxes.
1 point for women!

11. If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry.
1 point for beer!

12. You can always be sure that you're the first one "opening" a beer.
1 point for beer!

13. If you shake a beer, after a while it calms down by itself.
1 point for beer!

14. You know exactly how much a beer costs.
1 point for beer!

15. A beer doesn't have a mother.
1 point for beer!

16. You can do it if you want, but beer won't ask you to hug her for half an hour after.
1 point for beer!

FINAL SCORE: Beer beats women. (9 to 6)

If you're a womAn and getting angry, think that a beer wouldn't.
Another point for beer! Final score: 10 to 6…..hahaaaaa

Cheeers!
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Old 7th August 2006, 15:07   #1438
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Here are some lawyer jokes.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?", he asked.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
So, the next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse. The farmer welcomed them in, but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.

After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn. Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief. A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death. The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn. This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door. When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.
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Old 7th August 2006, 16:21   #1439
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Default You Might Be a Teacher If...

You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on report cards.
You correct a total stranger's grammar errors.
You cringe whenever someone says, "At least you get three months vacation."
You hand pieces of paper to your friends and make them spit out their gum in front of you.
You have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way they are," after meeting the parents.
You send another adult to detention for using four-letter words in public...
You are thrilled that April Fool's Day fell on a Saturday this year!
You think it's normal to go through four years of college to earn a salary that's below the poverty line.
You think people should get government permits before they can reproduce.
You blow your whistle at misbehaving kids in Target
Your voice is permanently set on high volume from attempting to be heard over students' voices day after day.
You've ever said "Put that gum on your nose!"
************************************************** ***********************

The Local Game Warden

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

"I was just trying to feed my hungry family," he told the judge, "and I've never done anything like that before."

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

"Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question," the judge quipped, "What does Egret taste like?"

"Well your Honor," the man told him, "Its not as tender as Spotted Owl but its better than Bald Eagle!"

Last edited by iraghava : 7th August 2006 at 16:25.
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Old 8th August 2006, 09:40   #1440
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About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sardars had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sardar community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sardar community. If the Sardar won, the Sardars could stay. If the Pope won, the Sardars would leave.

The Sardars realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Santa Singh to represent them. Santa Singh asked for one condition to be added to the debate. To make it more interesting, the debate was to be conducted using sign language and neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Santa Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Santa Singh looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Santa Singh pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Santa Singh pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sardars can stay. " An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sardar community had crowded around Santa Singh. "What happened ?" they asked. "Well", said Santa Singh, "First he said to me that the Sardars had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sardars. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?", asked the crowd. "I don't know," said Santa Singh, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine".
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