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Old 8th August 2006, 11:07   #1441
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Default Brits Rule

Were you silly enough to be counted in any of the following...

• 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

• 31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the Christmas lights were plugged in.

• 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

• 58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

• 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

• British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

• 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

• 18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

• A massive 543 Brits were admitted to hospital in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

• 5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.

• In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the loo.

Last edited by condor : 8th August 2006 at 11:08.
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Old 11th August 2006, 18:52   #1442
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Default Expensive dish

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
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Old 14th August 2006, 12:40   #1443
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Default Alert

http://img89.imageshack.us/my.php?image=alert34vp6.jpg
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Old 14th August 2006, 19:59   #1444
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Default Animal Superbowl

Super-bowl time. But there was action happening elsewhere, too. Another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals was in progress, and the big animals were crushing little animals. At half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain.

The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
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Old 15th August 2006, 15:47   #1445
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Default

Consider what happened when a governor's most trusted
assistant died in his sleep one night. The fellow had been
the governor's closest friend, and the governor had
depended on him for advice on every subject, from
pending bills to wardrobe decisions.

Almost immediately, ambitious office seekers begin
besieging the governor with requests to fill the assistant's
post.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is
buried," the governor complains.

Even at the funeral, one eager beaver makes his way to the
governor's side. "Governor," the man says, "is there a
chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," says the governor. "But you'd better hurry.
I think the undertaker is almost finished."
----------------
A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The child is spinning a 10 pence coin in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a grey suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.

Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."
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Old 18th August 2006, 00:09   #1446
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual
route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with
a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. "Wow Bob, looks like you guys had
one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is
the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had
about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we
started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up seven
times...."
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Old 18th August 2006, 09:55   #1447
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Default German Humor

Passengers on a Lufthansa flight heard this announcement from the captain:”Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean”.
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain’s next announcement.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lufthansa have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane.
After this announcement all the passengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain’s request.
Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:
“Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane.
For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane… -Thank You for Flying Lufthansa-”.
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Old 19th August 2006, 17:26   #1448
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Default Getting up from bed

A recent survey was conducted to discover why blondes get out of bed in the middle of the night:

- 5% said it was to get a glass of water.

- 12% said it was to go to the toilet.

- 83% said it was to go home.
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Old 19th August 2006, 17:28   #1449
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Default How to kick a habit

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."
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Old 19th August 2006, 20:16   #1450
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A chinese asks for Steven Spielberg's autograph in a bar in America.Instead,spielberg gives him a slap and says,"You chinese bombed our Pearl Harbour."

"It were Japanese,"chinese replies.

"Chinese,Japanese,Taiwenese,you r all the same," replied Spielberg.

Then chinese slaps him and says,"You sank the Titanic,my forefathers were on it."

Shocked,Spielberg replies,"It was the iceberg that sank the ship."

The chinese replies,"Iceberg,Spielberg,Carsberg,you r all the same."

Last edited by rsjaurr : 19th August 2006 at 20:20.
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Old 19th August 2006, 20:35   #1451
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hey doc - how did this chinese guy come to be in the bar there? his fore-fathers were on the titanic, and went down with it ..
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Old 20th August 2006, 08:06   #1452
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Default An Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."
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Old 20th August 2006, 23:17   #1453
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms -

"Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host,

"I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said.

"I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
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Old 20th August 2006, 23:19   #1454
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the
sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want.

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required
to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify
me.

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can
make a woman truly happy.

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Last edited by lamborghini : 20th August 2006 at 23:23.
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Old 20th August 2006, 23:23   #1455
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"Cold Cream"

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother
gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face,
Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the
cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny.
"Giving up?"

====
"Little Johnny on the Playground"

Finding one of her students making faces
at others on the playground, Ms. Smith
stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny,
when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly
faces I would stay like that."

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, you
can't say you weren't warned."
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