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Old 13th September 2008, 12:32   #16
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Sidz i'm not married but would be soon, i have not faced this problem at all with my lady. its been almost two and a half years now. It is a long distance relationship where insecurities are more. i am infact encouraged to go out and chill with the boys. the only thing that is a strict no is rideing a bike owning one is not an issue ( bike keys with her).
the first thing like pointed out is communication. this helps in settleing any doubts that both of you'll would have (safety, where, when, how and with whom) in your minds. once you have taken care of this, the comfort zone is there between the both of you to even discuss the silliest and most irrelivent of things. This would eliminate any need to hide or lie about anything. Your Partner is your friend, guide and soulmate. you would see a change in behaviour from your partner and yourself.
Women do have their insecurities and when ever you feel there is a problem address it dont shy away. let her know what you feel and this is the only way they would be able to know and give you a reaction, otherwise it is their way all the time. i faced alot of this initially.
Space is the biggest thing in any relationship, weather it is parents and child, siblings, friends or husband wife. this lets you be in touch with one self. Everyone needs to be alone at some point even if it is for just 5 minutes, this according to me is only possible through communication.
Like some have pointed out that having children would change alot of things for you. but i would not agree. it would not give you the freedom to go on treks and other things cause the responsibility would increase and the consience would not permit.
The only solution for your problem according to me is to comunicate and build a comfort zone between you both. Comunicate does not mean just when you are together but on the phone as well and on the silliest of things.
It has worked for me so i thought of shareing.Hope this helps you.
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Old 13th September 2008, 14:03   #17
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Originally Posted by speedy View Post
Sidz i'm not married but would be soon, i have not faced this problem at all with my lady. .
marriage should change that
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Old 13th September 2008, 15:07   #18
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The basic point of difference is that females have got a different idea about chilling out (eg shopping, bitching etc). they are never gonna understand your idea of going out on adventures. (Consider yourself extremely lucky if your girl has similar taste as you).

The way to deal with this is to make her understand that both of you are essentially different human beings. Each one has his/her own preferences.
If that doesnt work then you can't help it.
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Old 13th September 2008, 15:18   #19
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I have been married for the past 3 years and havent been in such a situation before. Not when your wife pays for your lancer mivec, the 97 octane fuel for it and the engine oil
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Old 13th September 2008, 21:59   #20
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This thread should go into a special section.

No I am not taking about Collection of Best Threads, but something like Hall of Fame. The replies are not one liners!!!

Though I am not married, still i have opposition coming from both my parents while going to places like these.
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Old 13th September 2008, 23:26   #21
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I don't have the problem of wife stopping me from going to adventure trips, generally she wants to join up. In fact, I have done more dangerous/adventure after getting married than before, and we have done it together.

All I can say is you need to identify adventures/activities that can interest both and can be enjoyed together.
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Old 14th September 2008, 00:20   #22
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Sidz, first of all - great thread you have started! First, let me shoot straight from the heart and from experience.
a) After marriage, wife is No.1 priority. From then on, whatever we do, has to be for "us" and not just "I".

b) We need to clearly convey to our friends( I mean our still bachelor friends) of this changed priority. They put a lot of pressure on us to join them and sometime even ridicule us when we don't. Be polite with them, but firm - and forgive them for their taunts. But life has changed and we can't go back. They will understand that once they get married. I have seen a couple of my married friends trying to turn the clock back - their relationships ended in disaster.
But all is not lost - never.

1) First win her confidence completely by focussing on point a). It is necessary to often demonstrate that she is your no.1 priority - women are like that. You have to do that, again and again, and all your life.

2) Establish a strong link of activities that are jointly shared and done. This is going to be the bulk of your life.

3) Find out her hobbies, interests and encourage her to do some things alone. Here is the funny thing : even as you are encouraging her to do some things alone, you will find that she is constantly trying to rope you into everything. Don't give up my friend - it requires patience!! Be gentle & persevering.

4) Can you cleverly engineer some shopping trips where she gets time off with her friends? Here, too, she will try to insist that you join her, but maybe occassionally you can have 'pressing official work'?

5) By now, you are well on your way to have won her trust & confidence completely. Now broach your personal requirements for individual space and it will be much easier.

6) Keep your occasional breaks just that - occasional. Any attempt to go back to extended 'free spiriting drift days' will be a disaster.

7) Lastly, how much ever close bond you end up building, do expect the odd crib or occasional nasty remark when you leave her alone and go. That is just the nature of women - they don't mean it that way..chill, woo her, make her feel special and take her out for dinner!!

What else? May be we will meet at a t-bhp 'guys only' meet and share notes over cheers:?
Cheers!

Last edited by Technocrat : 14th September 2008 at 11:31. Reason: Making it easy to read :)
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Old 14th September 2008, 02:08   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sridharps View Post
Find out her hobbies, interests
It's a little nicer if you can do that before you marry her though.
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Old 14th September 2008, 08:35   #24
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All you guys are scaring me off! Seriously...
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Old 14th September 2008, 09:31   #25
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It's a little nicer if you can do that before you marry her though.
Indeed. I wasn't sure in this case whether it was an arranged marriage, in which case a lot of indepth sharing happens after marriage.
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Old 14th September 2008, 09:37   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi View Post
It's a little nicer if you can do that before you marry her though.
Sam, not everybody in India gets your kind of courtship period. Once I dropped my fiancť (now wife) back home at 10:30PM after an outing and her mother gave her hell for hours.
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Old 14th September 2008, 09:53   #27
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yeah Sam(urai) ji,

so what's wrong. Now don't tell me that all boys and girls actually only study all those years in graduation and postgraduation

and what sam is saying is apparent. If a woman has a taste for adventure, its bloody easy to figure out. Heck, I contend, even in an arranged marriage, atleast in today's scenario.

You may not get to know for example that her long cherished dream is to visit the pyramids but whether she would join/disapprove of a overnight trek to shivaji's forts is a five minute business. I fail to see the logic.

The right kind of conversation happening, and parents overreacting after the fiance dropping the girl off at 1030pm are completely unrelated.
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Old 14th September 2008, 11:07   #28
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Originally Posted by phamilyman View Post
The right kind of conversation happening, and parents overreacting after the fiance dropping the girl off at 1030pm are completely unrelated.
I don't know what kind of life experience you have, but one can't understand real interests just by talking, may be you think you can. Only when you go through common experience together (living, travelling), one can find out what people are made of. Most of us couldn't (at least from early generation) go on long vacation before wedding to discover each other traits. If you think it is unrelated, you have lot to learn, I am still learning after 12 years of marriage and two kids.

Last edited by Samurai : 14th September 2008 at 11:08.
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Old 14th September 2008, 11:36   #29
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I do not think any of us has the experience to compete with the success of that what you and your lady have achieved together.
Quote:
12 years of marriage and two kids.
But Samu, it bothers me, this whole "I married her, now how do I go have fun on my own" thread. I mean no offense to the original poster, but it is apparent this is a common problem with our married members. I have read some of the responses and they are a window into the marriage culture of the current generation.

I am not starting a debate here, but I think many people's definitions and reasons for marriage are different from other places in the world.

I think the basic difference is a matter of choices. To me, a marriage is a question of choice. You find someone, understand her, go through a courtship period, understand if you would like to spend the rest of your life with her, if her good qualities outnumber her bad and then you marry.
If you don't get an answer to your life's questions, you don't marry.

Once again, I mean no offense, but for many in India, marriage is a no-option necessity, just like you need a car to go to work in, or a home to live in. You may not even like your car or driving it, or you may hate your location and style of your home, but you need a place to live - similarly it is logical that you find a woman, marry her and have kids. If you have not found one, one will be found for you.

This is the reason many men and women in India are man and wife, but not a couple. I know of at least 2 gay people in a similar situation. Married to a woman, sleeps with other men. I find this very hard to digest. I know others who have had a childhood sweetheart and a relationship for 15 years and the girl had to marry another guy.

I do not contest the fact that marriage is a relationship controlled by our culture and tradition and parents. I respect this and try to understand it. Perhaps I have the luxury of choice.
But the question of marrying someone I don't know is one that I could never absorb and accept.

But in any relationship, whether to a woman you spent time with, or one you never knew - in fact in ANY relationship, one should not have to struggle for his/her own space. And I believe that how your partner handles your private space depends on you - how you present it and how you handle his/her private space in return.

Meanwhile Samu, my reaction was to that statement "Find out your wife's hobbies and interests" - all I am saying is that one should do that before their marriage, regardless of the kind of marriage.

I was not talking about understanding your woman before marrying her. That is probably what you mean when you say this:
Quote:
I am still learning after 12 years of marriage
Like I've said before, women bring balance to life by being complex creatures. While this causes me to get upset and irritated often, I appreciate and enjoy the fact that they were built to be this way by nature.

IMO, It would be impossible to understand any woman completely no matter how many years you spend with her.
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Old 14th September 2008, 12:01   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Samurai
Only when you go through common experience together (living, travelling), one can find out what people are made of.
No debate about that. My perspective again echoes Sam:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sam
IMO, It would be impossible to understand any woman completely no matter how many years you spend with her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samurai View Post
I don't know what kind of life experience you have, but one can't understand real interests just by talking, may be you think you can.
That is a nice tangent but just not the point. I am simply approaching it from an 80/20 principle.

You *can* get a broad idea of the likes/dislikes of people. People change, their interests may be different from initial perceptions, but basic interests remain where they are. If there's someone who reads (doesnt even talk) your threads about Jeeping/trekking etc - even if they meet you ten years down, they know that the interest is there somewhere - new ones may develop, you may change etyadi. But you will still be able to figure out 80%. The real interests are not somethings one takes years to figure out.

If Sidz is a passionate trekker and biker, even in half an hour rambling conversation, won't we figure it out. Esp in a marriage situation where conversation around what one does is often an integral part. (or even orkut/facebook profiles are researched).

ok, let me ask a specific question - you'd have met some tbhpians, chatted with them in big groups over only a couple of hours. But you'd still know what broad hobbies people have. So in this scenario, multiple conversations , is the foundation one needs to build upon. Speedy's bike key confiscation would be the conclusion of a general distaste of biking from his lady - not a sudden one.
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