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Old 14th September 2008, 19:57   #31
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Originally Posted by phamilyman View Post
and what sam is saying is apparent. If a woman has a taste for adventure, its bloody easy to figure out. Heck, I contend, even in an arranged marriage, atleast in today's scenario.

You may not get to know for example that her long cherished dream is to visit the pyramids but whether she would join/disapprove of a overnight trek to shivaji's forts is a five minute business. I fail to see the logic.
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You *can* get a broad idea of the likes/dislikes of people. People change, their interests may be different from initial perceptions, but basic interests remain where they are.

If Sidz is a passionate trekker and biker, even in half an hour rambling conversation, won't we figure it out. Esp in a marriage situation where conversation around what one does is often an integral part. (or even orkut/facebook profiles are researched).

ok, let me ask a specific question - you'd have met some tbhpians, chatted with them in big groups over only a couple of hours. But you'd still know what broad hobbies people have. So in this scenario, multiple conversations , is the foundation one needs to build upon. Speedy's bike key confiscation would be the conclusion of a general distaste of biking from his lady - not a sudden one.
your expectations are genuine, but you need to understand mariage is a big issue for a woman in india, as sam explained below. Do you know 95% of prospective brides will not bring up any topic that might jeopardize the wedding, even if we the men assure them it won't. they think it's a trick question, and they continue to be pleasant and all accomodating.

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But Samu, it bothers me, this whole "I married her, now how do I go have fun on my own" thread. I mean no offense to the original poster, but it is apparent this is a common problem with our married members. I have read some of the responses and they are a window into the marriage culture of the current generation.

I do not contest the fact that marriage is a relationship controlled by our culture and tradition and parents. I respect this and try to understand it. Perhaps I have the luxury of choice.
But the question of marrying someone I don't know is one that I could never absorb and accept.
.
.

Meanwhile Samu, my reaction was to that statement "Find out your wife's hobbies and interests" - all I am saying is that one should do that before their marriage, regardless of the kind of marriage.
good points and analysis Sam, it WILL really work out if that happens. but rearely it does. as samurai said, hundreds of things are experienced after day to day living.

I also realize that the audience to this forum has probably more people of your mindset than the rural midnset I have described. But you know us indians, even if the girls is a graduate from harvard, quite possibly she will respond to a query like that as if it's a qualifying round to mariage selection procedure.

Till that changes, we will continue to explore and manage our wives' expectations post marriage.
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Old 14th September 2008, 20:09   #32
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Never faced this "problem". Dont know what you guys are talking about, so best of luck finding a solution.
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Old 14th September 2008, 20:55   #33
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Sidz,

This is specifically in relation to your question about trekking in the Sahyadris and your wife's objection to it. I have a few friends who do these trekkings - sometimes overnight trekking. And some of these trekkings are indeed dangerous, especially the ones done around the monsoon. I am sure you must have shown the photographs of the trekking to her as well. It is only natural for her to be worried. And I know that even girls from Pune do these treks. So it would be best if you could take her to one of the beginner's treks so that she understands them and that may change her perspective.

Best of luck,
Biju

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Old 14th September 2008, 23:23   #34
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marriage should change that
Magma 10000000000000000% correct(can add some more zeros).
I got married 7years back after 4years waiting period We to for terkking together before and after marrage.My kid will be at home with my mother. Normally i take her whare ever i go. No body can escape from wife- especially if they know you before marrage.

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Old 14th September 2008, 23:43   #35
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I think the basic difference is a matter of choices. To me, a marriage is a question of choice. You find someone, understand her, go through a courtship period, understand if you would like to spend the rest of your life with her, if her good qualities outnumber her bad and then you marry.
If you don't get an answer to your life's questions, you don't marry.

It would be impossible to understand any woman completely no matter how many years you spend with her.
Sam bhai aap dono bol rahe he.
You may not find those answers so you may not get......

There is something in Indian culture/marriage- it will force to understand a women unknown to a person and he will spend whole life with her.People who will succeed in this Will have a really wonderful life.
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Old 15th September 2008, 00:08   #36
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Request to all the married guys. besides the guys time outs - boozing , trekking, etc, could you make a list of the small things you dont get to enjoy after marriage?
One of my best friends , a happy go lucky guy, fell in love, and soon after , got married.Since, he has never been the same. Every passing day takes him further away from the guy I knew in college, heck, 6 months ago.

Cant exactly put his finger on it. Says its the little things. Can someone make a brief list of these so called "small things" that us single men take for granted so that we ( especially those of us who will meet your fate soon) can enjoy them more thoroughly and fully, and appreciate the freedom while it lasts

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Old 15th September 2008, 00:24   #37
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Request to all the married guys. besides the guys time outs - boozing , trekking, etc, could you make a list of the small things you dont get to enjoy after marriage?
You can still enjoy boozing and trekking after marriage for God's sake. Marriage Is not a punishment!

There are many other factors that change the boozing and partying scene. One of them is age and maturity. Don't always blame it onto marriage.

AND if you are one-half of a relationship of two and are have to think for more than just yourself, it is a small price to pay in return for a lifetime of companionship.
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Old 15th September 2008, 00:54   #38
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Request to all the married guys. besides the guys time outs - boozing , trekking, etc, could you make a list of the small things you dont get to enjoy after marriage?
One of my best friends , a happy go lucky guy, fell in love, and soon after , got married.Since, he has never been the same. Every passing day takes him further away from the guy I knew in college, heck, 6 months ago.

Cant exactly put his finger on it. Says its the little things. Can someone make a brief list of these so called "small things" that us single men take for granted so that we ( especially those of us who will meet your fate soon) can enjoy them more thoroughly and fully, and appreciate the freedom while it lasts
This has been an interesting read. I don't mean any disrespect to all you blokes.
'Fate', 'don't get to enjoy'; I hope this isn't your definition of marriage.
People always change, and you grow up. You cannot expect to be the same person you were in college, irrespective of whether you are married or single. I hope I am not like the person I used to be when I was younger because I was selfish, single minded and didn't care if I hurt anyone as long as I was happy, whatever happy was at that moment of time.

To me, being married is a partnership, it's just cementing of a relationship where you know you want to be with this person, hopefully for the rest of your life. My husband calmed me down, and we have so far not felt the need for time away from each other. We do have the odd night out, him with the blokes & me with the girls, but we have most of the time done things together.

Maybe it's because I have never been conventional, but I find the concept of not being able to enjoy your life after marriage, strange. Things will change, as you will be with someone you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. I am not a person who 'loves to shop' or who spends hours chattering with her girlfriends; we women could be insulted by your assumptions of us you know

Having said that, I do get the impression that arranged marriages are different ? If you got an honest answer, e.g., yes, I love sky-diving/bungee jumping/off-roading, would that make a difference to your decision? If she is as adventurous as you, it would make it an intersting match, would it not?

Bottom line, you need to find a balance in your life, with the person you are going to spend it with. If you start off thinking it's a prison sentence, believe me, it's not going to go anywhere.
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Old 15th September 2008, 13:41   #39
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other than that you will need to wait a couple years when she is more secure- kids will change things quicker(as a fellow bhpian has pointed out)
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you will adjust better once you have kids.
I am surprised to know that kids will make it easier

Infact, I have a year old kid & it actually gets even difficult to go out with the guys since you have that emotional tug to your heart whenever you go out leaving your wife & kid(s) behind feeling guilty that your wife is taking care of the kids while you are freaking out.

Will also share my take on some of the other interesting takes on this argument
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Old 15th September 2008, 14:06   #40
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This has been an interesting read. I don't mean any disrespect to all you blokes.
'
To me, being married is a partnership, it's just cementing of a relationship where you know you want to be with this person, hopefully for the rest of your life. My husband calmed me down, and we have so far not felt the need for time away from each other. We do have the odd night out, him with the blokes & me with the girls, but we have most of the time done things together.

Maybe it's because I have never been conventional, but I find the concept of not being able to enjoy your life after marriage, strange. Things will change, as you will be with someone you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. I am not a person who 'loves to shop' or who spends hours chattering with her girlfriends; we women could be insulted by your assumptions of us you know
No offense meant but I wonder if your husband feels the same way.
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Old 15th September 2008, 14:13   #41
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Request to all the married guys. besides the guys time outs - boozing , trekking, etc, could you make a list of the small things you dont get to enjoy after marriage?
One of my best friends , a happy go lucky guy, fell in love, and soon after , got married.Since, he has never been the same. Every passing day takes him further away from the guy I knew in college, heck, 6 months ago.

Cant exactly put his finger on it. Says its the little things. Can someone make a brief list of these so called "small things" that us single men take for granted so that we ( especially those of us who will meet your fate soon) can enjoy them more thoroughly and fully, and appreciate the freedom while it lasts
You need to remember that people change with time, not just with marriage.

Dont expect your happy go lucky college friend to remain the same throughout his life. Dont blame marriage for his change - there are too many other variables in life.

If you have this mindset that you can only do certain things when you're single, you're approaching marriage with a lot of negativity.

Several people have stopped boozing/partying/socializing etc even though they're still single. What would you blame their change on?
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Old 15th September 2008, 15:06   #42
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No offense meant but I wonder if your husband feels the same way.
None taken, we had a chuckle while we read this thread. We have been together almost 12 years, and life here in the middle east is quite different to that in India, from our perspective. We love spending time together as a family, as a couple, as well as on our own. Because he works extremely long hours, we enjoy what little time we have together on the weekends. It was never a you do your thing, I do mine, we do have our space, but the best part is that we enjoy doing a lot together, be it watching a film, playing games, swim with the boys.........I could go on and bore you
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Old 15th September 2008, 17:35   #43
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I also realize that the audience to this forum has probably more people of your mindset than the rural midnset I have described.
Your point made me pause and reminded me of the remarkable cultural diversity in India. As someone who has been lucky to have spent his educational life in many parts of the country across North,South and East, and having a job which entailed frequent travel, I have been staggered by the diversity of Indians I have met. The US/UK are positively boring places in comparison, with relatively much more homogeneity.

Here I present some of the characters I have come across over a period of time,( seen only through the filter of marriage):
  • Uber-cool, sophisticated, top b-school, dollar salary, consultant - marries a woman decided by parents. Meets her for the first time when he lands in India for the marriage!! What?? - "Well, I am sure the parents will do the right thing"..hmmm,ok! We had never noticed this side of this person before!
  • Traditional man with a typical middle class mindset( & finances) marries a woman with similar mindset. Arranged marriage with full blessings of parents. Divorce papers filed within a year or so . Why? "We both needed space and have parted amicably" Whew!
  • A dynamic lady, moving from one failed relationship to another, for years. Painful. Some friends suggested that ,may be in this case, an arranged marriage may be better? Logical response came "Look, there are not enough educated guys in my community. I have no choice, but to work my way through this trial and error process". ohh?!
Anyway, let me stop here, before I go too much OT. The point I was trying to make was that 'east meets west' has produced all kinds of combinations of mindsets in India. You can sense the mind being torn from many directions. As opposed to just the western copycat- 'it's my life', 'my choice' etc etc
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Old 8th May 2009, 15:46   #44
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Find her some girlfriends and encourage them to do their own thing once in a while. Usually the prefered activity is shopping and is known to wear out credit card.
bad idea mate, do you remember what happened to Ross's wife when she started spending more time with girls in FRIENDS. ha ha ha. Just a joke

So dont do that ! My advise is to involve your mrs. in what ever you do, be it car meets, long drives with friends, clubs, pubs etc. Trust me, doing this will reduce the chances of any mis-understandings or quarrels in the future

Also, you cant take time off or give each other the space after getting married ! Its very different to having a Girl Friend or being in a live-in relation ship. If you are going with friends/colleagues from work for a lunch or something like that its ok then, but otherwise your 'ardhangini' should always be with you !

Experience speaks here...
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Old 8th May 2009, 16:42   #45
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Hey, you awoke a year old thread!
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bad idea
So dont do that ! My advise is to involve your mrs. in what ever you do, be it car meets, long drives with friends, clubs, pubs etc. Trust me, doing this will reduce the chances of any mis-understandings or quarrels in the future
I agree completely. Whether she chooses to be part of the outing or not, she needs to be involved and know where you are. It is the basis of a relationship.
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Also, you cant take time off or give each other the space after getting married ! Its very different to having a Girl Friend or being in a live-in relation ship.
Oooh. Now you've said something I don't agree with. In terms of behaviour and individual space, how does a piece of paper that declares your partner to be your partner legally change the internal attitude towards your partner within a relationship?
Do people that live together in a permanent relationship have the right to individual space and those that are married have a different equation?

Anyways, this is just a reflection of my personal frustration. I apologise.

We have this huge problem in India. Unless a relationship is solemnised into marriage, it isn't considered to be serious or permanent enough.

We are living together. You say.

Oh, they're just living together.
They say in their head or to each other.

I don't get it.

Why? Are you unsure? Serious nahi hai kya? wink wink.
Achha serious hai? Toh get married! Buss, what are you waiting for?


Indian definitions of marriage are very different from the rest of the world. In India apart from the legal license to live with your partner, it is often the only way to get to know your partner better.

With India changing fast, options opening up and divorce being more and more acceptable, this definition of marriage needs to change.

Last edited by Sam Kapasi : 8th May 2009 at 16:43.
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