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Old 18th May 2009, 12:30   #31
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Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi View Post
Would a family (not yours, in general) actually expect you to choose a partner for life without having a single private word with her? In this day and age?
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..
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And does that still work amongst some of the educated youth today?
Arranged Marriage is not what it used to be. This is what I see happening. All based on "Small Towns".

Almost everyone who is educated would not be living in that city. He/She would have relocated to a Metro.

So, mostly you would meet someone through your family. And you would start "dating/courtship". If things don't work out, you move on.

When you find someone, then Family takes over.

IMHO, this difference is due to the fact that both of them are not living with the parents. Girls are independent both in terms of life and earning power.
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Old 18th May 2009, 12:42   #32
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Originally Posted by bblost View Post
It was sometime in October 2003.

I still remember her asking me what languages I know.
I replied Pascal, C, Cobol and then said, oh you mean human languages.
Damn, did anyone make a bigger fool of themselves ever.
I thought this happens only in movies...
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Old 18th May 2009, 12:47   #33
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Bblost, that's a very funny story, but not a rare one. I think most of us can easily relate to this.

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Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi View Post
I cannot speak for the rest of the world, but the cultures I do know outside India, encourage a young couple to spend time with each other, live together as a couple before deciding to marry.
And we all live in a country where police don't think twice about arresting un-married couple if they are taking a stroll in the park or staying in a hotel, under the pretext of immoral behavior or prostitution. Some of these silly laws need to be re-written before live-in couple situation becomes reality.

I remember how one of the Kerala Team-BHP meet was rided by cops looking for immoral behavior.
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Old 18th May 2009, 12:50   #34
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Education plays an important role in defining culture and acceptability. And I fully support Sam's statement that the more you learn other cultures the better the person's thinking gets. Nobody wants to be regressive and least our parents. Its just that they dont know (am taking of parents who are not from city..but smaller towns) it is a acceptable phenomenon.

I am in for every kind of relationship, arranged or love or live in. Each has its pluses and minuses. And I dont think anyone can dis prove it. The fact is one should have broader mind in such issues and should be willing to work around.
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Old 18th May 2009, 12:53   #35
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@ Patience wins, I do not know what your views are on homosexuality, but I'm suspecting that you do not approve of it. I respect your view, either way. But imagine this situation for a moment:

Can my homosexual friends parents truly know what is best for him? I have never seen a more loving, respectful person who loves his parents immensely and would do anything for them.
He loves his family, his Indian culture and values. He is a respectable model citizen of India, decent, educated and well-behaved, not the party-animal that most people imagine gay people to be.
And yet his parents neither understand homosexuality, nor want to discuss it.

Would this boy's parents really know what is best for him?
Sam, your judgement was absolutely right. I do not approve it atall. The parents and friends should help him to be a normal human being - it is as per my beliefs and values. No offence please.

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Would a family (not yours, in general) actually expect you to choose a partner for life without having a single private word with her? In this day and age?

Then how would you discuss values, religion and beliefs with the potential partner? Or would one marry on the assumption that the beliefs of the parents will be 100% mirrored in the girl?
And how does the girl get to approve (or not) of the man in question? Does she have questions that she may ask of the man (in public, since the private conversation is not allowed)?

And does that still work amongst some of the educated youth today?
I completely agree with you. I was clear that I wanted to talk to all the girls in private. All the families were perfectly fine with me.

But I am aware of some families where they expect the man and women to talk only in families company. That does not make any sense to me.
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Old 18th May 2009, 13:04   #36
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Originally Posted by PatienceWins View Post
Sam, your judgement was absolutely right. I do not approve it atall. The parents and friends should help him to be a normal human being - it is as per my beliefs and values. No offence please.
I call for this thread to be locked now, this is only going downwards.
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Old 18th May 2009, 13:10   #37
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Of course, I speak only for those who think like me. I do not dismiss arranged marriages, they have worked for centuries in India and will work for many people even now.
Just India? Arranged marriage was practiced in almost every country in the world forever until the 20th century.
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Old 18th May 2009, 13:19   #38
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@ BBlost, you have one of the funniest marriage stories I've heard in my life. But let me think, my Dad was probably a free-rider like you and went thru the same situation by what I've heard about him. So you're not alone. :-p



@ TSK, read your following post, and I will say that this was only a situation between 700/800 - 1900 AD. Before that, when Indian culture was not so much bitten by invasions, it was all matriachial and women actually had the same or higher status than men. Kings were made by their choices and they had a say in day-to-day proceedings of social life and political scenario. Unfortunately, once the traders started coming here in hoards, the system somehow went into some sort of decline which completed its transition during the invasions from Middle Asia during early 1xxx AD. That's is what the school history books say and most of the programs made by Nat-Geo and Discovery confirm. Same thing by J.L. Nehru in his Discovery of India.

Anyway, back to the thread. Too many nice things being passed around here...

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Traditionally Indian marriages had no divorces. The reason was not good family values. The real reason was that cattle don't divorce. A farmer may beat his cow and illtreat her., but the cow may give lower quality milk, but won't divorce.
That was the status of women in Indian culture. Traditionally Indian scriptures have deemed that women can be traded, humiliated and are of lower status than men. Their only job is to be a glorified maid in the house.
Even right to property came very late and at first there was a lot of hue and cry about giving women right to property.
Such things existed in west also till the 1920s. and if you dig out historical records. before WWII, divorce etc., was rare.
Only after women became treated at par with humans, things like divorce etc., started happening.

So now in India also with education, instead of cattle, women are being treated as human beings, divorce and disagreements are also increasing.
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Old 18th May 2009, 13:51   #39
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Originally Posted by PatienceWins View Post
Sam, your judgement was absolutely right. I do not approve it atall. The parents and friends should help him to be a normal human being - it is as per my beliefs and values. No offence please.
None taken - by me. But I'm not sure if homosexual people would concur.

Patience, I have a few gay friends. They are very normal people, some confused sexually, some confident.
They are normal and nice people. While I respect your disapproval of homosexuality, at the same time I request you to speak of gay people with respect.

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I call for this thread to be locked now, this is only going downwards.
godog, I think Patiencewins does not mean to, but expresses himself in the wrong way sometimes.

Let us not lock this thread for that reason. The discussion has been healthy so far and I'd like for it to stay that way.

We are all mature adults and such statements should not be given more importance than they deserve.
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Old 18th May 2009, 13:54   #40
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I call for this thread to be locked now, this is only going downwards.
Why would anyone want to lock down a thread for comments made by some of the participants? Isn't that unfair to the person who started it?

The moderators simply need to remove matter that they feel is objectionable & is not in keeping with the decorum of the forum.
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Old 18th May 2009, 14:02   #41
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Just India? Arranged marriage was practiced in almost every country in the world forever until the 20th century.
Oh absolutely right. But citizens of those other countries do not leap up in defence if you say something that indicates that you don't agree with the concept.

Maybe we too will reach that stage someday. Maybe not. Who knows.
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Old 18th May 2009, 14:16   #42
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Oh absolutely right. But citizens of those other countries do not leap up in defence if you say something that indicates that you don't agree with the concept.

Maybe we too will reach that stage someday. Maybe not. Who knows.
They only tied them up to a stake and set it on fire.

or maybe when someone had an issue with a woman's choice on abortion, threw bombs into clinics.


People all over the world are the same.
I trust Man to do the right thing. Men however are a different story.
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Old 18th May 2009, 14:24   #43
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They only tied them up to a stake and set it on fire.
Many incredibly stupid things have been done by every nation in the past. It would be impossible to list all of those stupid things in one thread.

I am talking in the present.

Samurai said that arranged marriage existed in every country. I agreed with him.

However you can talk about it freely and declare your disagreement with that today. In any country in the world.
But only in India will people leap up to the defence of arranged marriage even today.

It was a general and slightly humourous point.
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Old 18th May 2009, 14:56   #44
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Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi View Post
Samurai said that arranged marriage existed in every country. I agreed with him.

However you can talk about it freely and declare your disagreement with that today. In any country in the world.
But only in India will people leap up to the defence of arranged marriage even today.
That is because the concept of arranged marriage still has its merits today. Just take a few steps back and look at the entire situation. Like someone mentioned earlier in this thread, many people living in metros today have moved there from small towns after getting a job. Their exposure to dating has been zero. Now they spend most of their time at work, because they have their parents, younger siblings etc to support back home. Spending money on dating is not on their list of priorities. Their upbringing does not let them feel that it will be the right thing to do. So, they let their parents find a girl for them. Then they see each other for a while before marriage. And if no red flags are raised, they get married.

I have also seen people getting married just because they are too bored and lonely with their bachelorhood. They also go for arranged marriage in the end.

If, to an individual the concept of arranged marriage looks silly, it is perfectly fine! I am also one such individual. I knew from the beginning arranged marriage will not work for me and I stuck with that. But to say that people who go for arranged marriages dont know what is good for them is a bit unfair. And to pin the blame of a failed marriage on it being arranged one, is also inaccurate.

It matters little how a relationship starts. What matters is what you are willing to put into it to keep it going.
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Old 18th May 2009, 15:00   #45
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Originally Posted by amitoj View Post

It matters little how a relationship starts. What matters is what you are willing to put into it to keep it going.
+1 to that.

Its a lot like a long ride on the bike.
Everyone sees the beautiful pictures and lovely travelogues.

They don't get to hear the incentive laden, ouch this hurts speech.
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