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Old 19th May 2009, 15:01   #61
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By the way, to all those who think all this dating-shating is not an indian thing and its aping the western world, do the following names ring a bell?
Heer - Ranjha
Sassi - Punnu
Sohni - Mahiwal
Mirza - Sahiban
Laila - Majnu
??
Btw how many of them are for real, aren't some of these just stories?

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You forgot to mention one thing. All of them died, and none of them had a happy ending.
BTW did you know why does the females name come first in all except for Mirza Sahiban?
Because Sahiban betrayed Mirza to her brothers. She was afraid Mirza will kill her brothers, and thought that by betraying Mirza they would spare his life. In the end due to her betrayel, Mirza was killed by her brothers... BTW this is way way
Wow I hadn't even heard of this pair & that's a nice history on them

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You forgot to mention one thing. All of them died, and none of them had a happy ending.
I disagree.

If they had not died. They would have gotten married.
Then had children.

Life would have become a mundane battle between doing the dishes and sweeping the floors.

Last edited by Technocrat : 19th May 2009 at 15:02.
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Old 19th May 2009, 15:07   #62
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This is one of the richest non-auto thread in the forum.

Just my few thoughts:

Sometimes having choices is not a good situation. It is not just for marraige but for many things. Too many choices = more confusion = more chance of having a wrong selection.

There are infinite women (or men) who can be your life parter. Marriage is not finding the right partner, but loving the partner whom you have found.

I do not agree that having a good education can always influence judgement. It is still a puzzle to me why even a family with PhDs belive that their son/daugher can't be happy if married to non-brahmin (or similar) or marrying without dowry is unacceptable.

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I knew from the beginning arranged marriage will not work for me and I stuck with that.
I knew from beginning that love marriage won't work for me and so never invested any effort for that.
I met my wife only once before marriage for 20 minutes and living happliy for last 7 years. Of course we do fight quite often but which couple don't?
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Old 19th May 2009, 15:12   #63
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Btw how many of them are for real, aren't some of these just stories?
These are folk tales, i think, but in my opinion, that does not take anything away from them. Its easy to remember something that has actually happened. But to keep a folktale alive in the memory of the masses from one generation to next, indicates the strength in it.
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Old 19th May 2009, 15:29   #64
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w00t, what a thread.
Just in time when I am at loggerheads with my parents over similar issues.
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Old 19th May 2009, 17:00   #65
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Sometimes having choices is not a good situation. It is not just for marraige but for many things. Too many choices = more confusion = more chance of having a wrong selection.
Couldn't agree less. If you know your needs, wants and wishes, if you listen to your heart - you will always make the right decision.

In any case, I don't think something like mistakes or wrong selections exist. Sure, sometimes you say "I should have done this instead of that... I made a mistake here... He/she was not the right one..." but if you look at it in retrospect everything in life happens for a reason. And every person you meet in life is there to teach you something and to make you learn about yourself, just by being a part of your life, in what way ever.

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If, to an individual the concept of arranged marriage looks silly, it is perfectly fine!
I would never call this concept silly. I think it all comes back to your expectations. For sbasak marriage is:
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not finding the right partner, but loving the partner whom you have found.
Correct me, if I am wrong but to me this means that if you find a person you find sympathetic and attractive (by meeting maybe once or twice) you would probably marry him/her and then commit yourself to that person and try to make this marriage a happy one.

For me this is absolutely inapplicable. On the contrary, for me marriage can only happen when I have already found the right partner. The person I love through and through. The person that has that special something that lights the spark in me (now we all can guess who that is ).
The relationship with that person, the love and emotions must have proven to be strong, true and deep - sometimes you meet people and think you are in love and in the end it was just a straw fire.
Arranged marriage would therefore never work for me. That does not mean, I find it silly. I think it is just about having different expectations and a different perspective on matters that are important to you.
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Old 19th May 2009, 17:13   #66
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Originally Posted by sbasak
Sometimes having choices is not a good situation. It is not just for marraige but for many things. Too many choices = more confusion = more chance of having a wrong selection.
Couldn't agree less. If you know your needs, wants and wishes, if you listen to your heart - you will always make the right decision.
Jenny, What Sbasak said is applicable in most arranged marriage situations. What happens is that once a guy or girl says yes for marriage, the parents line up lot of meetings with prospective partners & this is where often people get confused.
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Old 19th May 2009, 17:26   #67
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Jenny, What Sbasak said is applicable in most arranged marriage situations. What happens is that once a guy or girl says yes for marriage, the parents line up lot of meetings with prospective partners & this is where often people get confused.
Ah, I understood it that way that if you don't go for arranged marriage there are too many choices, hence too much confusion and maybe the wrong selection. So actually it would be a pro for arranged marriage that your parents present to you a well-chosen number of possible partners if you are convenient with that.

That is what my answer was based on. If this is not what was meant, sorry.
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Old 19th May 2009, 17:46   #68
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Damn after reading your response now I am confused, may be you were on the right track

I have often seen guys who after meeting 20+ girls get damn confused & hence my interpretation
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Old 19th May 2009, 17:56   #69
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I too think sbasak meant when you are open to dating, you have more choices = more confusion = more chances of ending up with the wrong choice. Correct me if I am wrong?

If you are on the same frequency levels as that of your parents maybe the choices they dish out might turn out to be the right ones for us. But what if your views are way different to your folks? For eg, if you mother completely detests girls from drinking (even socially). I for one, would not mind my spouse having a couple of drinks. So if a girl who drinks socially, she would miss out on that list your parents would be looking for. For all you know she could be the one, but she is never even on the list because of your parents?

Then you have this public poll that while getting married, most men would want their wives to be like their mothers. Its ok for them to be modern etc while dating but we men tend to marry those who are closer to our mothers in terms of lifestyle's etc. Don't know how far that is true. But remember reading it in some articles.

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Old 19th May 2009, 17:58   #70
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I think the whole concept of right/wrong person is over-rated. There is no right or wrong person to spend your life with. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. You could get married to your perfect match and still find something to complain about, and issues will eventually surface. On the other hand, you could marry the least ideal person and still find immense happiness. It'll all about perception. Sure, a little help from the marriage Gods wouldn't hurt, but by and large, it's up to you how well the marriage works and how happy you are.

Most arranged marriages in India don't end in divorce because the couple feel they don't have that option. Hence, left with no choice, they overlook each other's shortcomings and focus on the positives. And then, you'll find that the question of divorce won't even arise.

Just my two cents. But then again, I'm young and single, so some of you married guys may have a more experienced opinion.
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Old 19th May 2009, 18:22   #71
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I think the whole concept of right/wrong person is over-rated. There is no right or wrong person to spend your life with. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. You could get married to your perfect match and still find something to complain about, and issues will eventually surface. On the other hand, you could marry the least ideal person and still find immense happiness. It'll all about perception. Sure, a little help from the marriage Gods wouldn't hurt, but by and large, it's up to you how well the marriage works and how happy you are.
Read this somewhere:
There is nothing like an ideal match, its what you make of what you get.
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Old 19th May 2009, 18:51   #72
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For me this is absolutely inapplicable. On the contrary, for me marriage can only happen when I have already found the right partner. The person I love through and through. The person that has that special something that lights the spark in me (now we all can guess who that is ).
You are right in your case Jenny. Similarly, marriage by love is inapplicable to most Indians because of the prevailing Indian culture. In the western culture, the concept of dating starts right from teenage, may be even earlier these days. Parents, friends, even extended family encourage dating, offer advice on how to go about it. On the whole, dating for many years before taking the plunge is part of process of becoming an adult. It is as normal as going to school or college.

That is not the case in India. Here most parents/family will absolutely look down upon dating activity, especially in case of girls. The children are raised with no exposure to dating, and are expected to remain celibate until their wedding. Any deviation from this creates major scandal in the family. In other words, most Indians are not prepared for process of dating, other than what they pickup from movies and television serials. Therefore, they are more comfortable with arranged marriage. You can't release a cage-fed adult tiger into the wild and expect it to hunt, it doesn't know how.

The process of dating in India, happens via subterfuge, totally hidden from the eyes of parents and relatives. Few of my first cousins who married for love kept their affair hidden from most of the family (especially parents) for 5-6 years. Can you imagine the amount of stress they must undergo to maintain this kind of secrecy? And when they reveal their intention to marry, that causes a major uproar and it takes a real strong bonding between the couple to survive this. Besides, lots of relationship bridges get burnt too. It is an uphill battle all the way. Also, since the whole relationship builds in secrecy, it gives no opportunity to friends and family to review the potential partner and give feedback or advice. By the time they know, it is too late to say anything. This would rarely happen in a western setting since dating will be official and the family can constantly interact with the potential partner and give their feedback. That feedback is quite important before taking the plunge towards marriage, but that rarely happens in India because of the secrecy.
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Old 20th May 2009, 09:48   #73
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You are right ... because of the secrecy.
+5 to that. Extremely well put Samurai.
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Old 20th May 2009, 10:13   #74
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If, to an individual the concept of arranged marriage looks silly, it is perfectly fine!
I would never call this concept silly.
I chose a wrong word. "unacceptable" instead of "silly" would have been the right word, and more accurately described what i was trying to say.

Anyhoo, slightly OT, Jenny, have you attended any Indian weddings yet?
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Old 20th May 2009, 10:28   #75
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Anyhoo, slightly OT, Jenny, have you attended any Indian weddings yet?
Yes, one! And one more to come next week.

Last edited by TheOne® : 20th May 2009 at 10:36.
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