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Old 5th February 2011, 23:39   #1
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Default How does one heal the soul?

How does one learn to let go of someone who has been a childhood sweetheart, the reason you learnt to smile again & the passion which has kept you going for 11 years?

Guys, this thread is not about cars or bikes or anything on wheels, but simply an attempt at venting my feelings out & trying to feel better. And with no intention leaving any sort of suspense, this is about a guy who is suffering from the pain of a great relationship having turned bad & then worse & finally reaching an end. Itís about me failing to come out of this black hole, this void in my life that has been created ever since I was dumped.

It started about 11 years back, I had lost my mother to depression. Itís one thing seeing somebody you love dying of a medical condition, but itís very different seeing them in pain when everything on the surface looks fine. At times in our lives, there are incidents which get burnt in your memory & no matter what you do, you always have to live with that burden. One such burden is that I could never say good bye to my mother or tell her one last time that I love her.
I was shattered by her untimed & sudden death. I think I had stopped living my life after this tragedy, but I was fortunate to then find this girl. We were school students (not the same school) then & we slowly graduated to being friends & then best friends & finally a couple.

We made promises to each other, had even made plans of getting married. Her parents came to know about our relationship while we were both in college & they did not approve of us. We were still able to continue the relationship with the hopes & belief that some day, we would be able to make them understand when the right time comes. The only thing that matters is whether or not the individuals involved in the relationship are committed to each other. I believe that after a certain point, ever thing else fades away & what matters is the desire & commitment to be with each other & it is this desire that makes or breaks a relationship. Ours has been a long distance relationship for the major part but we have still been able to have a beautiful relationship for almost 9 years that she has been abroad.

However, since the past one year, things started deteriorating between us. The thoughts that were mutual till now suddenly started becoming different, not on one thing but most minor or major decisions that we had taken. America & UK became the ideal places to spend your life, when earlier she was happy to settle down in India. A bigger car & house have gained importance now, when even a scooter was good enough earlier. Our conversations started looking like an assignment to her when earlier she would die to speak with me & slowly, I was ďphasedĒ out.

I donít understand, how can such things happen? How can people change like that so drastically? I was living my life, but then if she couldnít believe in love, then why was I lied to & shown a rosy picture of a family together? There are so many questions that I have & it seems that they would always be unanswered, & even if they are answered, she is gone. I can never get her back, & I wonít even get a chance at trying to do some thing to get her back. I have been left with the same void in my life. And it hurts a lot because despite this being a long distance relationship, I know in my heart that I have been honest & loyal. I know that I have done things in my life which ensured that our relationship would not have to face any hardship. But what did I get out of it? Is this what feelings & promises are today? Just a commodity, is it? Is love measured in terms of career or our bank balance? May be it has always been this way, but the way I have grown up, I have believed otherwise. I am a person who believed that love prevails despite any thing, & one can endure all if love/family is by his side.

I have not been able to let her go, & accept the reality. And it kills me each day, so much so that the spirit of life is dying inside of me. I know most of you would feel that a girl isnít the end of the world, & all girls are not like this. All I can say is maybe, because I did consider her my entire world, my family & I dreamt of spending my life with her. We were so close, but look at where we ended.
I have my dad, but I donít know why thinking about him also is not able to make me forget her or reduce the pain. I do live on, but I am not living. I am just passing my time, with no real aim or purpose & I feel lost.

I can go on & on writing about this, but I am not sure if any body would even read this far. I am not even sure whether I am doing the right thing by posting this on TeamBHP, but TeamBHP is a part of my life & automobiles are the only thing that are still able to bring a little peace to my soul.

Please excuse the writing, if it wasnít too interesting, & thatís maybe because I have jotted down my thoughts as they are coming in my heart. And I donít have a reason to write it here, definitely not to gain sympathy. But when I started writing this, I did want to share this story with all of you thinking that it may make me feel better. But I am not sure if I am feeling better.

I will close this post now, & once again, for any of you who have read so far, thank you with all my heart. I just hope I am not judged or taken in the wrong way.

Take care.
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Old 5th February 2011, 23:54   #2
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Prakhar,i Can relate to each every word that you have written here.
Some things are really hard to Accept my friend,but you have to.
You just have to move on
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:03   #3
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

I will not make any speeches or dole out philosophical lectures. Try to pick up a new hobby or continue with the one you have. Time will heal, trust me, it does. Been there done that, and happily single

Edit: At the risk of sounding philosophical, try undertaking a spiritual course, they will help you lessen the burden.

Last edited by sachinj12 : 6th February 2011 at 00:05.
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:11   #4
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

When things never go right, you can always try changing the definition of "right"!
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:14   #5
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Take a long vacation, make it the craziest one in your life and come home afresh.

Do all the things that you enjoy as an individual, its good to be free actually.

The discomfort that you may feel being seperated is far better than the pains that's there for being together.

Enjoy yourself. Celebrate your freedom!
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:16   #6
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Sometimes these things happen. It will be a long and painful journey getting back. But think of this, what if all these had happened after you had got married. So perhaps it was good that it happened now. I strongly believe that everything happens for our good. The only thing is that we may be able to make sense of it all only in hindsight and not while looking into the future.
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:16   #7
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Look at it this way.
While she is focussed on life and career, you are wasting your life. Don't want to sound rude or cynical. But then after the initial mushy days, all women want men who are extremely focussed in life. And your not leaving the past behind is not helping.

I've told this to many of my friends and it has helped many of them. Put your heart and soul (and brains too) back on your career. Be extremely focussed and come up trumps in professional life with a vengeance. The same girl might start coming closer to you then. It is then your decision, if that happens, whether to accept her or move ahead.

Many of my friends completely ignored the girls and went ahead to become very succesful in professional life! And the girl who dumped them suddenly took a U turn, not because of the reason that their guy is now succesful. I've spoken to those girls too and they have come a full circle after chasing material things. They have finally realised that love is above all.

Some of my friends took back their old girl friend(s). Some just moved ahead stating that it will not work. Some girls never had the opportunity to come back and tied the knot with others. The permutations and combinations are huge.

I know you are hurt. But then from extreme hurt comes realisation as well. Don't let this dark period completely demotivate you. Instead fight and get back on track. When she also underwent a painful separation, she's able to regroup and get ahead with her career. So what exactly is stopping you?

Crank your engine and come blazing on all cylinders dude! All the best.
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Old 6th February 2011, 00:56   #8
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Team-BHPians to rescue.

Been there done that. And happy about it too. I do understand that first cut is deepest. But then someone has said that "Its rare that we marry our first love". And its good that it is that way. Many a people make mistake of imagining the qualities they want, to be present in their first partner.

These are what in our college days we called: Teething problems in a baby. Or how about this: First few faltering steps before you become a marathon champion?

Nothing succeeds like success. Work hard. Get rich. Be a super successful man and let things happen around you.

Will strongly recommend you to watch "Two and half men" and take a lesson or two from a certain "Uncle Charlie".
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Old 6th February 2011, 01:06   #9
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Can relate to every inch of what you are feeling. This vortex of feelings will drag you off your life bro.

Moving on, YES its very difficult but it has to be done, either with tears or with a smile, so why not with a smile ?

Being in love is a divine feeling but getting out of this nightmare is touching hell and coming back. You will see the light one day, work towards it. The harsh reality of how 'people function' has come in front of you. ACCEPT IT.

There are still people out there still who believe in the spirit of love. Don't be disheartened. I wish I could have shared one of the experiences I had over here, but its long forgotten and done with.

I am sure with proper mind diversion, a new hobby or maybe a brilliant car will get you over her in sometime.Trust me, don't lose hope. Life is very beautiful and it's not worth spoiling even a day for a girl. The mission to be happy won't be easy but atleast start it on a positive note.

Best of luck, you can do it and i am sure you will find someone who will look at 'you' and and only 'you'

Please don't get into vices to overcome the pain.
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Old 6th February 2011, 04:17   #10
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

I think most of us have been to this place at different times in our lives; of course the degree of separation and the support structure that each of us have does differ.
I can only offer what I learnt from my experience, and you/ others can consider the parts that are applicable to you. I wont go into details about my story here, but only how I bumped my way through the dark till reaching a comparatively peaceful state of mind.
I had varying degrees of denial during which I went through a varied range of emotions such as sadness, grief, anger, vacuum & IMHO the worst of all - self pity. I had also taken to chain smoking at the time - it was very difficult for anyone to communicate with me. I ended up losing touch with a lot of friends who tried as much as they could to help me, but lets face it no one is going to put their life on hold for someone who is too busy pitying himself.
It is something that one has to consider subjectively in its entirety. I tried to imagine pointing a camera at myself and looking through it. If I did not like what I saw, then why would someone else? The key was to bring myself to a state of mind in which I would be able to work on different topics with multiple objectives.
1. The first thing to do is to respect one's own emotions and not feel embarrassed for having them.
2. to accept that others may not share the same sentiment all the time - people change and they move on. When people travel their perspective becomes different and their expectations change.
3. to get ones life priorities in practical order - house/ car/ job/ travel/ hobbies/ friends/ others.
4. to eat, drink & sleep regularly & adequately.
5. to try to give up any addictions/ dependencies or at least reduce the degree.
6. to remember that one will never be this age again. for example, I realised if I spent my entire 22nd year in sorrow, I would have essentially never enjoyed being a 22year old.
I hope you are able to look at yourself with a high level 10000 ft view; it would definitely help you focus on life other than the problem that you consider all pervasive
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Old 6th February 2011, 06:32   #11
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

The fact that you can reach out and talk about this frankly, should tell you clearly that you can bring an outside-in view of what you are going through. That means it is only a matter of time before you realize that this is not a catastrophe . Your other passions, interests will make this fade away. You will find love again.
If cars are a passion, you are in the right company here for networking and taking that to the next level and getting some no nonsense but sensitive advice on other things in life as well. Keep connecting with people even if it is only online.
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Old 6th February 2011, 06:38   #12
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

My suggestion would be to drop yourself to the nearest book shop & purchase copies of " A New Earth" and "The Power of Now" both from Eckhart Tolle.
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Old 6th February 2011, 08:51   #13
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Can relate to everything you all said above. But as most of them said, have to move on. I too loved someone from last 7 years. But suddenly she changed her path as our schools changed. But i have to accept that i also had some mistakes on my part. Not giving time, being protective and over possesive. But whatever, love her a lot. I dont care if she comes back or not. Because as SRK said in RNBDJ, Love is not a conditional feeling. You loved her before and still do so now. So move on now. Hope that helps. Still my advice is nothing compared to the others as they're more experienced.
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Old 6th February 2011, 12:02   #14
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

There is a complicated way and a simple way.

The simple way, is to find 7 people born on the seventh day of the seventh month of the year at approximately seven 'o' clock. Then keep them locked up for seven nights in a dark room without food and water. On the seventh day, at exactly 7 'o' clock give them the milk of seven different cows mixed with turmeric and pepper.

And when the bless you after this the curse of venus will be broken and you will be a free man.

The complicated way.
This will be really difficult but if you are able to convince yourself for just seven days in every week that you will be happy today, its will go a long way in helping yourself.
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Old 6th February 2011, 12:27   #15
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Default Re: How does one heal the soul?

Originally Posted by bblost View Post
This will be really difficult but if you are able to convince yourself for just seven days in every week that you will be happy today, its will go a long way in helping yourself.
Exactly my thoughts, the only person that can help you is you yourself. You just have to find the will in you to look at the brighter side of the life, be positive and carry on.

Forgetting the past is easier said than done, but for a better future it has to be done.

Also I am sure your Mom whom you loved so much will be watching you and these negative thoughts would definitely sadden her the most. So think of her make her happy by staying Happy.

Good Luck

P.S. Also If I may suggest two things

1. Try to be positive, and that can only happen if you think positive. Remove "The Location" you have put in your profile. The more you see it, the more you will feel in it.

2. Psychiatrists are friends, and do a very good job in such situations. You might want them to help you to get out of this mess!!

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