Driving in India

[hvkumar]

Sunday Special: Read This and Enjoy Hilariously

Driving in India:

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.
Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.
Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts), or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds:

The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

One-way Street:

These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical; I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Ghenghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.
Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads.
During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any Signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). Only, you will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day. If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am-when the police have gone home and - The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in the constitution. Having said all this isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries!!??

[hvkumar]

That was an article written by a Dutchman who drove around in Hyderabad for afew months.

[iraghava]

Fantastic! Captures our traffic conditions to the T!!

ROFL

[vnabhi]

hvkumar, that was hillllaaaariiiouuuus!

[greatDrive]

Its really hilarious and 100% true for almost every place & road in India.
This holi, While coming back to Delhi( from Agra), saw 5 people ( yes 5 and all adults) riding on a CD100. And If some mishap would have happened, No one could have recoginsed them as they were colored from top to bottam.

At around Brindawan( Same highway), Saw a around a 150 cows walking on the middle of the highway being handled by just 1 or 2 people.

[gd1418]

That was one hell of a discourse on the traffic conditions of our country. It will be not out of place to mention, that I haven't yet stopped laughing....

[sammyboy]

ha ha ha , that was hilarious more so because all of us can completely relate to it . Thanks for sharing

[kaushik_s]

This is truly a masterpiece by the Flying Dutchman.Read it before also but it's always refreshing to read to it again.

[eclectix 1st]

Very Informative. This should be printed as flyers & kept at the arrival lounge of all the international airports.

[sanjayatarizona]

Damn. Just how is it that the whole country drives alike ... Just another matter of fact account the way i look at it.

[theMAG]

I read this now while having lunch and choked 3 times.

[prabuddhadg]

Hilarious! This person seems to have kept notes on all he has observed on the roads. I could relate to all of it. Wouldn't have recollected all the experiences to make for such an interesting read.

[Blue Thunder]

Thanks for sharing this interesting article, hvkumar !
The author has expressed beautifully his feelings of humour combined with sarcasm.
Reading this article left me with very mixed feelings :-)

[PatchyBoy]

ROFL.

Very well written. BTW, I have a doubt. On a recent trip to Kalpetta and back, we encountered an autorickshaw in some small town between Sulthan Bathery and Gudlupet. The driving style was exactly the same as any Auto in Bangalore city. My wife told me that there are only 2 possiblities:

1. Auto drivers have a secret society - a la Da Vinci - and learn driving skills there. OR
2. All children born with a mutated gene defect become Autorickshaw drivers.

I tend to agree. How else can you explain the Autorickshaw menace in all places in the country?

Cheers,

Rajan

[kpbhatt]

this is plain hilarious -- have to agree with all the observations made by the gentleman in his account