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Old 2nd September 2006, 12:13   #1486
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Mixed Bag...

Air Traffic Control Conversation
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilor responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"


Which World Leaders to Choose?
It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A: Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B: He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps untill noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C: He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extra-marital affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
And the candidates are:
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler
So...what makes a leader a good leader??


Bad Days
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?


Curse to Speak One Word per Year
Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words (this was before the time of letter writing or sign language).
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes,) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "my darling," But, at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to 5).
But, at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So, he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
And the princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

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Old 3rd September 2006, 01:09   #1487
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Santa standing on platform suddenly jumps on the railway track.
Banta: Santa u'll die.
Santa: No, u'll die b'coz haven't u heard train is coming on

************************************************** ********************
Q: A Man asked Santa, "Akal badhi ya bhains? "

A: Santa bola, "Pehle date of birth to batao."

************************************************** ********************
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?

A: Because it was an entrance exam.

************************************************** ********************
What's Ford?
Santa: Gaadi.
What's Oxford?
Santa: So simple, Bail Gaadi

************************************************** ********************

Santa: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a
lion's cage.
Banta: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Santa: I didn't say he got out.

************************************************** ********************
Santa found answer to the most difficult question ever
- What comes first - the chicken or the egg?
O yaar, jiska order pehle doge, vo ayega!

************************************************** ********************

Santa (reading from book of facts):
"Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
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Old 4th September 2006, 21:33   #1488
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[Some are] Good One-liners

* Yes, some people claim to enjoy exercise. But then, some people claim to have been abducted by aliens too.

* Stomachs are not meant to be flat, I don't care what anyone says.

* Assertiveness is useless in a relationship where people stopped listening to each other long ago. Good old-fashioned punch-ups are the only answer.

* Warm baths do not cure insomnia. A bottle of Muscadet and a large Jack Daniels cures insomnia.

* People who "put something by each week" are simply not shopping hard enough.

* People are sometimes curious enough to exchange personal telephone numbers for a clandestine look at someone else's boredom.

* I don't cook. I can't be good in every room in the house!

* What word describes the practice of being married to only one man at a time. Mono-something. Ah Monotony.

* Did you know that banging your head up against a brick walls burns 150 calories per hour?

* Other people are 'types'. One always thinks of oneself as an individual.

* The worst moment for any atheist is when he feels grateful for something and has no-one to thank.

* The least one can ask an atheist is not to make his atheism an article of faith.

* The trouble with political jokes is they usually get elected.

* Vampires are a pain in the neck.

* Feel superior - become a nun.

* Einstein rules relatively okay - well, in theory anyway.

* Do you have a drink problem? Yes, I can't afford it.

* Humpty was pushed. Mona Lisa was framed.

* Examinations - nature's laxatives.

* Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.

* Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

* Just because you think they're all out to get you, doesn't mean its not true.

* 24 hours in a day. 24 cans in a tray of beer. Coincidence?

* I didn't lose my marbles, I gave them away.

* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

* Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy!

* I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.

* Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

* I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

* OK, so what's the speed of dark?

* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* You can't have everything where would you put it all?

* What's another word for Thesaurus?

* I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?

* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.

* I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.

* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.

* A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

* I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.

* Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

* Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
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Old 5th September 2006, 13:53   #1489
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How to take care of your wife...

In the world, one single rule applies to the men:

Make the Woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do
something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any
points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game
is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

-- You make the bed (+1)
-- You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
-- You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
-- You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
-- In the rain (+8)
-- But return with Beer (-5)
-- You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
-- You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
-- You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
-- It's her pet (-10)

-- You stay by her side the entire party (0)
-- You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)
-- Named Tina (-4)
-- Tina is a dancer (-10)

-- You take her out to dinner (0)
-- You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
-- Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
-- And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
-- It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

-- You take her to a movie (+2)
-- You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
-- You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
-- You take her to a movie you like (-2)
-- It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
-- You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

-- You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
-- You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
-- You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

-- She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE> points no matter
-- You hesitate in responding (-10)
-- You reply, "Where?" (-35)
-- Any other response (-20)

-- When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned ____expression (0)
-- You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
-- You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
-- She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have??????????
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Old 5th September 2006, 17:11   #1490
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aZa's here's new avatar
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Old 5th September 2006, 18:40   #1491
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Last edited by aZa : 5th September 2006 at 18:42.
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Old 5th September 2006, 19:48   #1492
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A wealthy man is having an affair with an Italian woman and has continued the affair for a few years.

One night, over dinner at the mistress's favorite Italian restaurant, she confides in him that she's pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he offers to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. And if she stayed in Italy,
he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agrees, but asks how he would know when the baby was born. To keep everything discreet, he tells her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. Upon receiving the postcard, he would then arrange for child support.

About 9 months later, the man comes home to his extremely confused wife.

"Honey," she replies, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he says.

The wife obeys, and watches as her husband reads the card, turns white, and faints.

On the card was written, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatb@lls, one without."
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Old 5th September 2006, 19:58   #1493
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Happy Labor Day! For those of you with gainful employment, we hope you enjoy a well deserved day off! For those of you still looking for that perfect job, rest assured that many others before you have had similarly difficult job searches! Take my job history for example...

1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

5. I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.

6. Then I tried teaching but I couldn't make the grade.

7. I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone's problems drove me crazy.

8. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

9. Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.[

10. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

11. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

12. I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.

13. I worked a long time as a doctor. I gave it my best shot, but I didn't have enough patients.

14. Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.

15.The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going...

16. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

17. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.

18. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

19. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

20. So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

21. Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.

22. My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.

23. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.

24. I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though I was racking in the money.

25. My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.

26. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

27. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind

You got any other ideas? I'm open for suggestions! Maybe you have something that WORKS...cause I don't!
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Old 5th September 2006, 20:08   #1494
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Men strike back!!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me...”

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested
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Old 5th September 2006, 20:31   #1495
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Don't Try This At Home....

A formula for inner peace...please read completely:

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. On the show, Dr. Phil proclaimed:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
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Old 5th September 2006, 21:16   #1496
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Originally Posted by ajmat
Men strike back!!
OOh those were good, just hope that the wifey doesn't see this post!
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Old 6th September 2006, 13:45   #1497
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Classified AD in The Hindu dated 3/9/2006
The Auto Section

For Sale
Ford Endover 2005
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Old 6th September 2006, 13:49   #1498
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Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack The Ripper?

A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook!!
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Old 6th September 2006, 14:14   #1499
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what better than a nil on the wall ?

...................a screw on the floor
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Old 6th September 2006, 14:49   #1500
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A Californian, New Yorker and Texan are peeing in the mens room.
After that the California guys goes to the wash, takes lot of soap and water and throughly washes his hands upto the elbows. He then glances at the two and says "When I was young I was taught that it is very important to maintain personal Hygeine".

The New Yorker then takes little soap and water and vigorously washes his hands and says "When I was young I was taught the same thing, but I was also taught how not to waste"

The Texan heads for the door directly, and then looks at both of them and says "When I was young I was taught not to pee on my hands"
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