[Some are] Good One-liners
* Yes, some people claim to enjoy exercise. But then, some people claim to have been abducted by aliens too.
* Stomachs are not meant to be flat, I don't care what anyone says.
* Assertiveness is useless in a relationship where people stopped listening to each other long ago. Good old-fashioned punch-ups are the only answer.
* Warm baths do not cure insomnia. A bottle of Muscadet and a large Jack Daniels cures insomnia.
* People who "put something by each week" are simply not shopping hard enough.
* People are sometimes curious enough to exchange personal telephone numbers for a clandestine look at someone else's boredom.
* I don't cook. I can't be good in every room in the house!
* What word describes the practice of being married to only one man at a time. Mono-something. Ah … Monotony.
* Did you know that banging your head up against a brick walls burns 150 calories per hour?
* Other people are 'types'. One always thinks of oneself as an individual.
* The worst moment for any atheist is when he feels grateful for something and has no-one to thank.
* The least one can ask an atheist is not to make his atheism an article of faith.
* The trouble with political jokes is they usually get elected.
* Vampires are a pain in the neck.
* Feel superior - become a nun.
* Einstein rules relatively okay - well, in theory anyway.
* Do you have a drink problem? Yes, I can't afford it.
* Humpty was pushed. Mona Lisa was framed.
* Examinations - nature's laxatives.
* Don't let your mind wander; it's far too small to be let out on its own.
* Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
* Just because you think they're all out to get you, doesn't mean its not true.
* 24 hours in a day. 24 cans in a tray of beer. Coincidence?
* I didn't lose my marbles, I gave them away.
* My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
* Jesus is coming! Quick! Look busy!
* I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
* Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* You can't have everything … where would you put it all?
* What's another word for Thesaurus?
* I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
* Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
* He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
* I can tell that you are lying; your lips are moving.
* I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you one day.
* A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
* I wish for a world of peace, harmony, & nakedness.
* Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
* Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.