|1st February 2007, 12:48||#1726|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Oct 2005
Thanked: 242 Times
|2nd February 2007, 08:44||#1729|
Join Date: Feb 2005
Thanked: 284 Times
I saw this written as Graffitti on a Billboard a long time back in newyork,
'LADIES, Want something Red, Hot & Throbbing between your Legs??
RIDE A HONDA!
|2nd February 2007, 11:03||#1730|
Join Date: Aug 2006
Thanked: 102 Times
Funniest story ever heard of Must Read It once..will take 2mins
There was a boy in high school called Joey. One day Joey leaned over to the girl sitting next to him in class and whispered, "Red roses."
The shocked girl stood up, slapped Joey in the face and went crying to the teacher. The teacher called Joey to the desk and asked what he had said.
Red roses" was Joey's reply, at which the teacher screamed and sent poor Joey to the principal's office.
As Joey waited in the lobby to be called in, he pondered what was happening to him. His thoughts where cut short by the sound of the secretary saying he could go in. Joey walked into the office and was told to take a seat, which he did.
After telling the story of how he had been wrongly accused and how he knew there was some mistake, the principal smiled and asked, "OK, Joey, I understand. What did you say to her?" Joey was sure the principal would be a reasonable man and responded "Red roses." you could watch as the principal turned red and shouted "YOU'RE EXPELLED! GET OUT!"
Joey asked to wait for the bus to take him home, since he lived some distance away. "NO!" Then Joey was informed that if he were caught on the premises again, he would be arrested for trespassing.
Very distraught, Joey set out on his way home. He had made it about a mile down the road when Old Man Jones, the local pig farmer, stopped and offered a ride home. Joey, being very upset, of course, accepted the ride.
Not more than a mile down the road, Old Man Jones asked why Joey wasn't in school, so Joey told the story of the events that had happened that day. At the end of the story, the old man said that it sounded like Joey had quite a rough time of it "Oh, and what did you say?" Joey hesitated– should he tell the man what he said, or not? He decided to tell him. "Red roses."
The tires squealed as the truck ground to a halt.Old Man Jones reached over and opened the door and pushed Joey out on his ear.
Now very angry, Joey got up, brushed himself off, and continued on his way home. Upon arriving at home, Joey's mother, Mrs. Campbell, saw that her son wasn't looking too good, and asked why he hadn't caught the bus. Joey told her. She fixed Joey a bowl of soup and then asked, "Joey, dear, what on earth did you say to that little girl?" Joey wasn't sure what to do. He knew his mother loved him, but he didn't want her to have the same reaction everyone else had. But he told her anyway. "Red roses."
Joey waited in his room with a bruised ego and a sore bottom, wondering what would happen when his father got home. Six o'clock came around and Joey's father got home. He could hear his parents arguing outside his door and then suddenly it was quiet. Mr.. Campbell came into the room and said, "Your mother told me you had some trouble at school, but I told her you and I would figure it out.
But the first thing is you have to tell me what you said." "OK, Dad, I said red roses'," was Joey's response. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU"RE NO SON OF MINE!"
The next morning, Joey decided he needed to get a job. It was awhile before he found anyone who would hire a 15-year-old who had been expelled from high school and kicked out of the house. But Joey wasn't a quitter, and he did find a job working at a gas station in a neighboring town. After a few months, Joey had managed to get settled in his new job and had even moved into the apartment over his boss' garage.
On a particularly slow day at work Joey's boss asked what had happened that caused everything that had happened to happen. Joey went into along story of emotional stress,misunderstood youth, the pain of having lost all of his friends and family in one fateful day. The tale Joey spun was so powerful; his boss was moved to tears and, out of compassion, offered to adopt Joey.
With the firstsmile to cross his lips in months, Joey accepted. On the way to the court proceedings a few days later, Joey's boss asked him, "Exactly, what did you say to her?" Without thinking, Joey replied, "Red roses." His boss grew as white as a ghost and said, "That was my niece, you little pervert!"
Once again, Joey was without a friend in the world. The next day Joey took all the money he had managed to save and bought a bus ticket "to wherever the farthest place from here is."
As he waited for his bus, a little old lady sat down next to him on the bench. Even though he didn't want to, she started talking, and before you knew it, she had heard almost the whole story. But she interrupted and asked what he had said."Ma'am, I said 'red roses'."
Well, the words were just barely out of his mouth when she started beating him with her cane.
In order to flee the fury of the old woman, he ran across the road, but he never made it to the other side. He was hit by a speeding Mack truck and he died.
The moral of this story is,
*Always look both ways before crossing the street.*
~Please pass on the message to everyone you care for~
|3rd February 2007, 22:40||#1733|
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Navi Mumbai
Thanked: 10 Times
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two
kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart .... nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"
The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would
you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"
|6th February 2007, 11:10||#1736|
Senior - BHPian
Join Date: Feb 2004
Thanked: 487 Times
NEW OFFICE POLICY
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor; you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary; the funeral should be scheduled in The late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under The "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim - Fast.
**Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
|6th February 2007, 12:08||#1737|
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Bangalore India
Thanked: 42 Times
|6th February 2007, 16:17||#1739|
Join Date: Jan 2005
Thanked: 13 Times
A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The fornication finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No,
|6th February 2007, 22:21||#1740|
Distinguished - BHPian
Join Date: Apr 2004
Thanked: 4,850 Times
So theres this guy walking in the park on a rainy day there are some pudles around as he walks this cute litle puppy dog comes up and says "Hi my name is fluffy and i have had a fun day going in and out of puddles"
"what talking dog what the heck" he ignores the dog and continues to walk. Another dog comes up and says "hi my name is fifi and i have had a fun day going in and out of puddles!"
guy says "What the frick is up with these talking dogs can my day get any weirder??" he keeps on walking... cute dog walks up and it looks rather sad the guy says "lemme guess... your name is cutie and you have had a fun day going in and out of puddles?"
dog says "no <snif snif> my name is puddles and i have had a horible day"
Why did Cinderella get kicked out of Disneyland?
Cause she sat on Pinocchio's nose and screamed "TELL ME LIES, TELL ME LIES"
Two guys (Bob and Bill) are in a pub, pretty bored when they see a guy in a smart suit walk in, and go into the gents. Bob says to Bill 'I bet you £50 that guy is an accountant'. Bill replies 'Not a chance in hell, that guy is clearly a lawyer.' So Bob follows him into the toilets and approaches him after he's finished his business. 'Hi there, me and my mate have got this bet on, basically, he thinks you're a lawyer, but I've got 50 quid riding on you being an accountant, so could you tell me, what are you?' The man replies 'Sorry, I'm afraid I'm a statistical analyst.' Bob replies 'What the hell is a statistical analyst?'. The man says 'Well, it's pretty hard to describe, but I know a way of showing you. Do you have a dog?' 'Yeah I do actually.' Bob answers. 'Well,' the man says 'from that I can tell you have a big garden for your dog to run around, and probably a big house to go with the garden. Is that true?' Bob looks amazed and replies 'Yeah that's true.' The man continues 'Ok, from that I can tell you probably have kids to live in your big house, and a wife as well.' Bob nods and the man carries on 'And from that, I can tell you probably have a pretty active sex life, and your probably don't masturbate very often.' Bob looks astounded (knowing it was all true) and walks out the gents without saying a word. He approaches Bill and Bill says 'Ok, hand over the money, I know that guy was a lawyer.' Bob shakes his head and says 'Sorry mate he was a statist..... statistical ana..... Oh I cant remember - but I can show you what he does!' Bill looking a little perplexed says 'Alright then, off you go.' Bob looks at Bill 'Do you have a dog?' Bill replies '....No' and Bob smiles 'Right, you're a wanker.'