Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

A farmer got in his truck and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about twelve, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"?

"No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"?

"He went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment.

"You'd have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."

If a re-post, pls skip ...

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A man was in court for murder and the judge says " You have been found guilty of beating your wife to death with a hammer"

A voice in the back of the courtroom says "That liar". Then the judge continues "You have also been found guilty of beating your daughter to death with a hammer" Again, the voice in the back of the court says "That liar"

The judge says "Now, we can't have any more outbursts like that again or I will find you in contempt of court. Now, what's your problem? The man in the back of the courtroom says "For 15 years I've lived next door to this ******* and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one."

Everyday, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the
coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her
complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she
wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, 'What's
sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith, ...... The dwarf'.

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He
traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after
there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black
bear.

The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm
going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have shimmy."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative.
So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
revenge.

He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and
shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time
a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and
you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough shimmy."

Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than
be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.

Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed
to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then,
moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.

He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here
for the hunting, do you?"

A lion wakes up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean.
He goes out and corners a small monkey and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" .Lets out a big roar….ROoooaaRRRR!!!!

The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" .Roars even more…..ROoooaaRRRR….. ROoooaaRRRR!!!!

The terrified wildebeast stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?" . Starts roaring ROOaaa…… ????

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his tunk and slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feel like it's been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion until he looks like a papad and then ambles away.

The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant, "Jeez, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed off!!"

Rules Of The Road, Indian Style

Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:

ARTICLE I: The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II: Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:
- Cows,
- elephants,
- heavy trucks,
- buses,
- official cars,
- camels,
- light trucks,
- buffalo,
- jeeps,
- ox-carts,
- private cars,
- motorcycles,
- scooters,
- auto-rickshaws,
- pigs,
- pedal rickshaws,
- goats,
- bicycles (goods-carrying),
- handcarts,
- bicycles (passenger-carrying),
- dogs,
- pedestrians.
ARTICLE III: All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV: Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet): Cars:
- Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
- Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: ``I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
- Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses: All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps. Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V: All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI: In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII:
- Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
- Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
ARTICLE VIII: Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX: Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X: Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI: Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

Though composed in a lighter sense, this is as serious issue of concern :Frustrati

Sources:This article was apparently published in the Travel Section of some British newspaper and extract from The Indian Highway Code

Don't know if you have read this before, but still...

You are a true Hyderabadi if:

1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number 56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in the second house beside Zamzam cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road.

2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo, designer jewellery show, science show or an automobile convention.

3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese delicacies such as "Vegetable soft needles", "Navrotten Kurma", "Chicken Manchewurea" or "American Chompsee".

4. Your answer is 'seedha chale jao' when somebody asks you for directions,whether it is to Malakpet, Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.

5. You come across tailors sporting the board: Immidiot delivery in two days onli. !

6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish, except Telugu, fluently.

7.You ask the waiter to get you some 'Mango pickle' even if you are sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican,Italian and Lebanese cuisines.

9. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.

10. You have at least one Srinivas,Prasad, Raju or Venkatesh within six square feet. OR you have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance with these names.

11. You have at least! one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in the US in software.

12. Everytime somebody gives you a piece of good news, the first thing you ask them is 'Party kab hain?'

13. Refer to any past as 'parso', be it yesterday or long before three hundred years.

14. You call 11 AM as subah subah.

15. You label your boss as 'Dimakh Kharab'

16. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.

17. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask 'dene ka bolo'

18. You are reading this and secretly admitting that you are, after

all, a true blue Hyderabadi.

This is something I received in the mail some days back: (Sorry for the all CAPS since this was a cut and paste stuff and I dare not try writing this stuff)

THIS IS THE COW !

THE QUALITY OF PUBLIC SERVANTS IN INDIA IS LEGENDARY.THE FOLLOWING UNEDITED ESSAY IS THE COPY WRITTEN BY A SUCCESSFUL CANDIDATE FOR THE UPSC EXAMINATIONS IS EVIDENCE OF THE GREAT FUTURE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IN INDIA.

IT GOES THIS WAY............................................... ........................

THE COW IS A SUCCESSFUL ANIMAL. ALSO HE IS A QUNDRUPED AND BECAUSE HE IS A FEMALE, HE GIVES MILK, BUT WILL DO SO WHEN HE GOT CHILD. HE IS SAME LIKE GOD, SACRED TO HINDUS AND USEFUL TO MANKIND. BUT HE HAS GOT FOUR LEGS ALTOGETHER. TWO ARE FORWARD AND TWO ARE AFTERWARDS.

HIS WHOLE BODY CAN BE UTILISED FOR USE. MORE SO THE MILK. WHAT CAN ITDO ???? VARIOUS GHEES, BUTTER, CREAM, CURD. WHY AND THE CONDENSED MILK AND SO FARTH. ALSO HE IS USEFUL TO COBLER, WATERMANS AND MANKINDS GENERALLY.

HIS MOTION IS SLOW ONLY BECAUSE HE IS OF ASLITUDINICUS SPECIES. ALSO HIS OTHER MOTION IS MUCH USEFUL TO TREES, PLANTS, AS WELL AS MAKING FLAT CAKES IN HAND AND DRYING IN SUN. COW IS THE ONLY ANIMAL THAT EXTRACATES HIS FEEDING AFTER EATING. THEN, AFTERWARDS SHE CHEW WITH HIS TEETH WHOM ARE SITUATED IN THE INSIDE OF THE MOUTH. HE IS IN THE MEADOWS ON THE GRASS.

HIS ONLY ATTACKING AND DEFENDING ORGAN IS THE HORN, SPECIALLY SO WHEN HE IS GOT CHILD. THIS IS DONE BY MOVING HIS HEAD WHEREBY HE CAUSES THE WEAPONS TO BE PARALLELED TO THE GROUND OF THE EARTH AND INSTANTLY PROCEED WITH GREAT VELOCITY FORWARDS.

HE HAS GOT TAIL ALSO, BUT NOT LIKE SIMILAR ANIMALS. IT HAS HAIRS ON THE OTHER END OF THE OTHER SIDE. THIS IS DONE TO FRIGHTEN AWAY THE FLIES WHICH ALIGHT ON HIS BODY WHEREUPON HE GIVES HIT WITH IT.

THE PALMS OF HIS FET ARE SOFT UNTO THE TOUCH. SO THE GRASSES HEADS WOULD NOT GET CRUSHED. AT NIGHT TIME HAVE POSES BY GIVING DOWN ON THE GROUND AND HE SHOUTS HIS EYES LIKE HIS RELATIVES.... THE HORSE DOES NOT DO SO.

THIS IS THE COW....

( THIS IS A TRUE ESSAY WHICH WAS PUBLISHED IN THE TELEGRAPH )

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas> station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop> and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $500 0. Tux rental-$100. People never> stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. !

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

And Monkey runs into bowl to Fatass
- and
- Fatass drives…
- Gadde kaa Bachchaaa could not stop it from crossing the boundry and it’s a four….
- Monkey bowls again
- and
- Fatass knicks the ball and it lands safely into B*****D’s hands and he is gone.
- Now, B*****D comes in as number three
- and Monkey bowls again..
- B*****D sweeps and gets clean bowled..
- He returns to the pavilion with a duck…
- and
- next comes in Ulloo Kaa Patta…
- Will Ulloo kaa Patta score runs
- or
- Will Monkey get a hat-trick..

Well, well, that was the live commentary of 2010 World cup..

See the news here..
â€˜Maa kiâ€™ or 'Monkey'-India-The Times of India

If players can use slangs in their languages, why not commentators…????