The Official Joke thread

ramie2400 · 15th April 2008, 13:25

Another mail circulated in office

Mission_Safari · 15th April 2008, 17:05

From today's 'The hindu'

Graffiti : Obesity is WIDE-spread

from the Cartoon: Salary isn't important as long as i make what Bill Gates makes.

Another one from a forwarded mail.

Sam Kapasi · 15th April 2008, 17:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mission_Safari

F

Another one from a forwarded mail.

Of course that isn't a real answer paper. The questions and answers are in the same writing (font)
And Adolf is spelt wrong in the question.

vivekiny2k · 15th April 2008, 17:27

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sam Kapasi

And Adolf is spelt wrong in the question.

so the candidate is as stupid as he is pretending to be.

brraj · 15th April 2008, 17:54

A man gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre:
"Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl"

Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Nurse: Have you seen a doctor?
Patient: No, just spots.

5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US .
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.
Chu became Chuck
Bu became Buck
Hu became Huck
*
*
*
*
*
Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

kuttapan · 15th April 2008, 19:38

Tufani Barish
Aadhi raat
Ramlal Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aya
Waiter: Aap married hain?
Ramlal: Kutte, aisi tufani barish main kaunsi maa bete ko pizza lene
bhejegi ? :-(

iraghava · 15th April 2008, 20:28

ROFLMAO

Good one Kuttapan!

iraghava · 15th April 2008, 20:57

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, 'Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July.'

iraghava · 15th April 2008, 21:12

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little jerk, O'Conner,' says Sean,

'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy.

'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

****

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.

'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?'

'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..'

'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'

'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?

''It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.

'Oh my dea! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?'

'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

****

After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

iraghava · 15th April 2008, 21:22

Here are a list of new words that we could probably use in this new world...

1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.

3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating.

********

Oold words with new meanings...

1. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

********

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses." Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice
last week.

Mission_Safari · 15th April 2008, 21:25

Quote:

Originally Posted by iraghava

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, 'Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July.'

Good one iraghava

BaCkSeAtDrIVeR · 15th April 2008, 21:33

Got this in an email forward.

How to kill a Lion in banking style ?

HSBC Method :

Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his expectation, Never say with him to do any work upto six months, after six months tell him that now you have to fulfil ur yearly target within six months otherwise u will be kickout from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he loose this lazy animals jungle where he will go.

ICICI method:

Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, collegues,designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring.

HDFC method:

Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat . Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation.
.

RBI Method:

Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any fox,wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page
circular. Lion dies of boredom.

IDBI method:

Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as allrounder. Lion dies in frustation or escape to another jungle.

SBI Method:

Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results.............

bblost · 16th April 2008, 15:28

Checkout the entertainment guide in Today's (Hyderabad) Deccan Chronicle.

Movie Name: NO Entry
Starring Lara Dutta.

Picture above the tags is of Lara. Brian Lara.

autopsyche · 16th April 2008, 16:43

Thanks goodness Lara Dutta didnt marry Brian Lara, else she would have become a Lara Lara!

heavy_foot · 17th April 2008, 01:16

Quote:

Originally Posted by autopsyche

Thanks goodness Lara Dutta didnt marry Brian Lara, else she would have become a Lara Lara!

...bolo tara raa raa

!!

15th April 2008, 13:25	#2716
ramie2400 Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Mumbai Posts: 1,903 Thanked: 66 Times View My Garage	Another mail circulated in office Attached Thumbnails

15th April 2008, 17:05	#2717
Mission_Safari BHPian Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Chennai Posts: 449 Thanked: 6 Times	From today's 'The hindu' Graffiti : Obesity is WIDE-spread from the Cartoon: Salary isn't important as long as i make what Bill Gates makes. Another one from a forwarded mail. Attached Thumbnails Last edited by Mission_Safari : 15th April 2008 at 17:10. Reason: Added couple more

15th April 2008, 21:12	#2724
iraghava Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Bhaiyyaland Posts: 8,033 Thanked: 265 Times View My Garage	Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. 'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little jerk, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.' ** Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. 'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?' 'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. 'There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..' 'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim? ''It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. 'Oh my dea! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.' ** After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother" "It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me." Last edited by iraghava : 15th April 2008 at 21:15.

15th April 2008, 21:33	#2727
BaCkSeAtDrIVeR BANNED Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Kochi Posts: 2,522 Thanked: 752 Times	Killing a lion Got this in an email forward. How to kill a Lion in banking style ? HSBC Method : Hire a lion. Give him full rest & make him lazy, Pay him more than his expectation, Never say with him to do any work upto six months, after six months tell him that now you have to fulfil ur yearly target within six months otherwise u will be kickout from jungle. Lion dies due to fear, that if he loose this lazy animals jungle where he will go. ICICI method: Hire a lion. Give him hell a lot of work and pay him lower salary than his politically astute peers. Restructure his job, position, boss, collegues,designation, department, salary, location every 6 months. Remove all lions above 40 from the organisation by giving them VRS. If he kills 2 goats a day, give him target of killing 20 elephants a day, when there are just 10 elephants in the jungle. Lion dies of exhaustion, overkill and restructuring. HDFC method: Hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat . Give him lots of ESOPs and grass to eat. He will die eventually of hope and starvation. . RBI Method: Hire a lion and give him a 3000 page circular on how to kill a goat. Amend the circular atleast three times a day. Send him on inspection to the jungle, where he can threaten to cancel the hunting licence of any fox,wolf, bear, jackal etc who have violated any provision of the 3000 page circular. Lion dies of boredom. IDBI method: Recruits a lion, Give him posting among cats. People call him manager but he is actually a clerk. Expect to work as allrounder. Lion dies in frustation or escape to another jungle. SBI Method: Recruits a lion, gives him the power of mouse. Lion dies of over expectation and no results.............

15th April 2008, 17:54	#2720
brraj BHPian Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: bangalore Posts: 913 Thanked: 1,280 Times	A man gave matrimonial ad for his daughter, working at a call centre: "Wanted a suitable match for Chandigarh's highest paid call girl" Patient: Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes. Nurse: Have you seen a doctor? Patient: No, just spots. 5 Chinese, Chu, Bu, Hu, Fu and Su decided to immigrate to the US . In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards. Chu became Chuck Bu became Buck Hu became Huck * * * * * Fu and Su decided to stay in China.

15th April 2008, 19:38	#2721
kuttapan Senior - BHPian Join Date: May 2007 Location: Melbourne Posts: 1,155 Thanked: 22 Times View My Garage	Tufani Barish Aadhi raat Ramlal Pizza Hut pe pizza lene aya Waiter: Aap married hain? Ramlal: Kutte, aisi tufani barish main kaunsi maa bete ko pizza lene bhejegi ? :-(

15th April 2008, 20:28	#2722
iraghava Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Bhaiyyaland Posts: 8,033 Thanked: 265 Times View My Garage	ROFLMAO Good one Kuttapan!

15th April 2008, 20:57	#2723
iraghava Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Bhaiyyaland Posts: 8,033 Thanked: 265 Times View My Garage	All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink. So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?' Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, 'Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July.'

15th April 2008, 21:22	#2725
iraghava Senior - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Bhaiyyaland Posts: 8,033 Thanked: 265 Times View My Garage	Here are a list of new words that we could probably use in this new world... 1. Cashtration: The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *. 3 Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of having sex. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. 12. Karmageddon: It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action. 15. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 16. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web. 17. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 18. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half of a worm in the fruit you're eating. **** Oold words with new meanings... 1. Coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs. 2. Flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained. 3. Abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. 4. Esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk. 5. Willy-Nilly: (adj.) impotent. 6. Negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown. 7. Lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp. 8. Gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash. 9. Flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller. 10. Balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline. 11. Testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam. 12. Rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists. 13. Pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist. 14. Oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms. 15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there. ****** A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses." Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

16th April 2008, 15:28	#2728
bblost Team-BHP Support Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 11,000 Thanked: 15,305 Times View My Garage	Checkout the entertainment guide in Today's (Hyderabad) Deccan Chronicle. Movie Name: NO Entry Starring Lara Dutta. Picture above the tags is of Lara. Brian Lara.

16th April 2008, 16:43	#2729
autopsyche Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: New Delhi, Indi Posts: 1,519 Thanked: 33 Times View My Garage	Thanks goodness Lara Dutta didnt marry Brian Lara, else she would have become a Lara Lara!