One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jim says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a
So, Jim deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jim began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Jim hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results He deposits ten
dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." :
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will
have $49.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you will have $33.00 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman
Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased
$1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the
aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based
on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. A recent study found that the average
American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans
drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on
average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be
A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?'
The man replied, 'Well, that first coffin is for my wife.'
The inquisitive man asked, 'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second coffin?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also.'
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement 'Can I borrow the dog?'
speedzak : ^^My god! This is way too hilarious.^^
When will we understand that this is the official joke thread and not a serious thread?
Zak, looks like you did have a good laugh .
And exactly the point I would like to say ! Lets have some good jokes - not something that failed to take off. And in this case, I was not able to connect the points.
Btw, Zak, many of the jokes posted are old ones (for me), including some from you, like the recent one about "Jesus saves". I dont go after every other post here. I'm just trying to keep this thread fresh.